Unwritten

I wonder if i’m a hypocrite . . . Somedays i’m sure i am, other days i dont.

On somethings, i’m sure of tho, and a moment during a quiet drive home today helped me to remember.

To all those few tho whom i have loved, i still love you.

Kinda looking back again, pondering the life that “might have been” wondering what choices i made to bring me to where i am, and what i might have missed. Its a strange feeling.

Facebook and Myspace: definitely links to the past, bringing up memories and thoughts i have not thought about in a long time. I had dreams once… i blame it on too much TV, of having a core group of friends which would follow me through all of life’s adventures. Sam calls it the “saved by the bell syndrome” or some shit like that. Honestly, who wouldnt want something like that? friends so close that you share the rest of your lives together? meeting up all the time, spending both the good and the bad.

The major obstacle in this “dream” of mine is really me. At my core, i’m pretty much a loner. Not that  shy away from people, or avoid other human contact: but i spend much of my time lost in my own thoughts and activities. I am different; i like one on one time.. small groups. I dont really party, i dont drink often, and i like to just sit around playing games and watching TV.

I used to spend my summers laying around the house watching the entire Star Trek movie series, then watching all the james bond movies: one right after the other.

All in all, i think my dream was not totally realistic. Those people on tv were not representative of who i was inside. I DO have a core group of friends, who have share many (mis)adventures with me. We might not share EVERY adventure together in person, but in spirit they are always with me. I Dont see them every day, maybe not even every year- but i know that i could call on them almost any time and they would support me in my endevors.

ah well.. Facebook and Myspac- its nice to catch up on some ghosts of my past.

Its hard when you have to choose.
Things done always seem to work out as planned.

Anyways, looks like i will be leaving my work in a few months :/ We hit a stalemate in what i want, and what they can do- and the priorities dont match up. Its sad, i really love my job, especially the people i work with. Its actually pretty heart breaking knowing that its coming to an end very soon.

Ah well, thats life i suppose- time to move on.

I saw this while driving around ad today
-will

I like to find patterns, not the obvious ones that everyone else seems to catch on immediately (sadly, i seem to even miss a lot of these) but i look at big picture patterns, especially those in my own life.

As it goes, as August once again comes around, that this 1/3 of the year seems to be the most emotional for me. Every year in my recent history seems to revolve around the events of the next couple of months. Between the months of August and December, there are numerous events- both good and bad- which seem to shape my life in so many different ways.

Just some of the events that occur:

My birthday
Dad’s Birthday
Sam’s Birthday
Ashley’s Birthday
Mom’s Birthday
Thanksgiving
Christmas
Anniversary for Ashley and I
Anniversary of some other events, not so plesant.

Going back in my life, it seems that many things which were so profound and lifec hanging- happen during this time of the year. I dont know if its just all the energy and emotion surrounding all the holidays and family times, or just the cold weather- but it all happens during this season. Even now i can feel it coming along- things happening which are shaping my future, and bringing up my past.

I know, as my birthday comes along again, that its time to reflect on the past year. Reflect on my actions- both good and bad- and hope that the good outweighs the bad.

Its been a while since my last “real” post. I sit here, almost 3 in the morning, staring at a label for Jack Black’s Dead Red Root Beer. I’m making a new label- prepping it for my class in the morning, and finding my mind wandering towards the “future”

My future continues to surprise me, and i prepare for what continues to be “not the smoothest course”. What does dreamgiver have waiting for me just around the river bend?

School is coming to a quick conclusion- only about half a year left before i graduate once again. I’m working, after just a little over a year of so called “freedom” work is interesting- and while i thought i was just doing the daily grind- i found that i was noticed- and i actually have options for advancement. I got a promotion already, and who knows what is in store for me.

Just a few months ago- i wouldn’t have thought this would be the course my life is taking. I was worried about what i was goign to do when i graduate-but now i seem to be making more and more opportunities for myself. I’m becoming more “OK” with not really having a set direction. I am ok with wondering, with listening and learning. Its both terrifying and exciting to see what life has in store for me.

I look at this blog, i see a few drafts just waiting in the wings. They never seemed to come together, they didnt have the right message or feeling that i wanted to share.  Even now, as i write this, i’m unsure if it will even make it past the chopping block.

So many things yet for me to do, life is coming up at me fast.

-will -sent remotely

It annoys me that i know what i need to do to just live a more peaceful life, and yet i cant seem to do it.

Let it go.

I give the advice constantly, and i always think i’m listening to my own advice, but i find that its harder and harder. There seems to be so much just integrated into my psyche that its difficult to let the deamons out.

Im so competitive, and just.. angry, aggressive and bull headed. I’m always fighting being #2, trying to be #1. I need to win, i need to be ahead of the game. The more i try to just “Accept” things, it less and less motivated i am. Its not even that i’m addicted to power… i actually dislike having the fate of many people in the palms of my hands. What i’m really looking for is . . .

Having control of my own life.

So here i go again, trying to release my burdens. Trying to accept my fate, and yet understanding that my fate is in my own hands. I’m trying not to place blame, and trying not to mask envy and jealousy with rage and anger. Trying to accept that some people are just they way they are, I will never receive recogniton that i seek in their eyes, and i dont need it.