Unwritten

There once was a time where i could keep myself company, where i could have fun with a cardboard box, some markers, and some tape. A time where i was a child, and my brother was still my keeper, and my sister was a little brat. A time i like to think i was happy, but even then i was not so sure.

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I try to think on my life and the people i trust. Some people know some things here, some things there. Different people; different aspects of my life. But do i trust them? do i really truely trust them?

It seems to change; it seems to depend on time.. on defintion… on emotion. I trust many people to certain degrees, i trust some people with my life; some with my secrets, some with my dreams, some with my strange and weird tendencies. Some people it crosses over; others seem to be specalized. And all of them earned my trust in one way or another.

Some betrayed my trust, and paid; Some even regained it and made things stronger. Others, will never gain it again; and others have come in to take their place. So many different people; so many different lives; Like pieces of a puzzle that can never be put completely together. But the question remains…

Do i really truely trust them? with the exception of 2; I would have to say no. There will always be a nagging feeling; a voice in the back of my head telling me what I can and cannot say. A voice that wonders when i’ll be betrayed again; If i’m going to be manipulated… if i’m going to be used or abused. Things that ultimately hold me at bay; only releasing enough to be heard and only what needs to be let go.

Then there are the rare ones.. the rare one. A freedom of speaking that i truely miss. Thinking back i’m amazed at the speed in which i “spilled” my guts so to speak. Between late night drives to San Jose, i spoke of things that i had not even let myself think about in so many years. A feeling i so needed, without even knowing it; and a feeling that i eventually sabotagued out of fear.

And the second, a trust that has been built, tumbled, and rebuilt; and will probably continue down the path of destruction and rebuilding. A relationship that has lasted all but 3 years of my life and will continue to be a corner stone of what i am to become. a trust based on mutual respect, mutual experiences, and a lifetime of happiness and tears.

So thats what i have… i’m blessed twice; probably more than many people could say. I’m sure at another point in my life i might have said there were more; but life has taught me differently these past months. I wonder… If i’m on anyone elses list.

Edmond: I don’t believe in God.
Abbe Faria: That doesn’t matter. He believes in you.

Ah, the quote from Count de Monte Cristo; I cant remember if its an exact quote from the book (i just watched the movie so that is fresh in my mind.) But either way its something i feel strongly about. It doesnt matter what supernatural entity is out there over us, or what kind of creature.. being, life force ultimately created us. The point really (IMHO) it not what you believe in, but that you BELIEVE.

The power of faith and belief and trust is overwhelming. These three factors contribute to the most powerful force in the universe; Love. True love takes these three key elements, binds them together, and generates such energy and strength that can overcome anything that is set before us.

Faith, belief, trust… Three things i struggle with many times. Sometimes I find I have these qualities; and other times i find a serious lack. No wonder i have such difficulty sensing the love i have in my life.