Unwritten

There once was a time where i could keep myself company, where i could have fun with a cardboard box, some markers, and some tape. A time where i was a child, and my brother was still my keeper, and my sister was a little brat. A time i like to think i was happy, but even then i was not so sure.

(more…)

Now that you’re in the ambition-building phase of your yearly cycle, I figure you’re ready for a fresh set of cute aphorisms. Use the following to fuel the fire in your belly, the chutzpah in your heart, and the gleam in your eye.

Haha… I love #5: But ive never had any dreams where i gave a speech in my underwear…

I try to think on my life and the people i trust. Some people know some things here, some things there. Different people; different aspects of my life. But do i trust them? do i really truely trust them?

It seems to change; it seems to depend on time.. on defintion… on emotion. I trust many people to certain degrees, i trust some people with my life; some with my secrets, some with my dreams, some with my strange and weird tendencies. Some people it crosses over; others seem to be specalized. And all of them earned my trust in one way or another.

Some betrayed my trust, and paid; Some even regained it and made things stronger. Others, will never gain it again; and others have come in to take their place. So many different people; so many different lives; Like pieces of a puzzle that can never be put completely together. But the question remains…

Do i really truely trust them? with the exception of 2; I would have to say no. There will always be a nagging feeling; a voice in the back of my head telling me what I can and cannot say. A voice that wonders when i’ll be betrayed again; If i’m going to be manipulated… if i’m going to be used or abused. Things that ultimately hold me at bay; only releasing enough to be heard and only what needs to be let go.

Then there are the rare ones.. the rare one. A freedom of speaking that i truely miss. Thinking back i’m amazed at the speed in which i “spilled” my guts so to speak. Between late night drives to San Jose, i spoke of things that i had not even let myself think about in so many years. A feeling i so needed, without even knowing it; and a feeling that i eventually sabotagued out of fear.

And the second, a trust that has been built, tumbled, and rebuilt; and will probably continue down the path of destruction and rebuilding. A relationship that has lasted all but 3 years of my life and will continue to be a corner stone of what i am to become. a trust based on mutual respect, mutual experiences, and a lifetime of happiness and tears.

So thats what i have… i’m blessed twice; probably more than many people could say. I’m sure at another point in my life i might have said there were more; but life has taught me differently these past months. I wonder… If i’m on anyone elses list.

There are many things that I dont want; and I’ve grown up with the notion of what i dont want, who i dont want to be like, what i dont want my life to be… Unfortunately its something ive based my life on, and its an incomplete picture.

Thats it, isnt it? my life is incomplete. I’ve forced myself into such a 2 dimentional world; where in reality i should be living in a 5 dimentional world. how did it all happen? What was it that knocked my brain into such a tight enclosed space… as cliche as it seems to me to say it. My Family.

You hear on tv and movies how psychologists blame everything on your family, parental abuse.. abandonment issues, etc.. etc. For a while i was in the field of thought that it was all hogwash; that people made their own choices and they needed to be responsible; I didnt want to be like those people… I didnt want to blame people for what i thought were my own free choices.

I still dont; i dont want to point the finger at other people when my life starts to go down the shitter… but i backed myself into a corner. Even when outside influences pushed me in certain directions i refused to accept the fact that things were out of my hands. I refused to seek help.. i didnt listen to the one i should have listened to… everything backfired.

So many things that i didnt want… I didnt want to be like him; to be hung up over some girl for the rest of my life; to be greedy and self centered and selfish. I didnt want to take advantage of those who are bound to me, to use my status as only a means to advance my own position. I didnt want to complain and be disrespectful towards those who were only trying to help me. I didnt want to trick people who put trust in me, just to make a few bucks. I didnt want people to meet me, think i was a nice person; but change their mind as they learned more about me.

I didnt want to be deceitful like her, to place money and status over the general wellbeing of my children. I didnt want to hold the aura of “family” over people’s head when the real idol seemed to be “money”

I didnt want to be like Her, so strong on the outside; but a week frightened child on the inside. I didnt want to hold onto my guilt and blame others for the mistakes I made. i didnt want to blame people and get angry at them for leaving “me” when in fact i was the one leaving them. i didnt want to let pride, or family get in the way.

I didnt want to trust anyone; because life and dissapointment lead me to believe that I could not really trust anyone but myself. But in the end i could not even trust myself. Trust; it seems to be both the chains that bind my soul, as well as the key to setting it free.

Urge to kill rising… :D

I wonder if its a sign of rising maturity… of getting older; or what? I find that my tolerance for movies with idiot main characters. Gya! if people were really this stupid and pathetic in real life… I would be frustrated out of my mind!

What brought this on? 2 recent movies; which in themselves are not BAD but ugh. I’m speaking of School of Rock and Kangaroo Jack. I felt myself getting more frustrated with the actions of the idiot character than i was laughing along with the comedy. Bleh, what happened to me? or what happened to the movies? is it because in my many years now, with all my idiot hijinks; that the “lucky” things never happened to me? Bitterness? haha.. maybe. I just cant find idiots so inconsiderate.. so self centered and immature who just happend to do something lucky; or who’s selfish actions land him in such trouble; then he magically gets himself out.. funny. So what if your selfish actions accidentally did something good? big deal… it was still an accident right? And the problems would have never happened in the first place if you just took a moment to think.. right?

Ah… yeah; but deep down i think i’m just jeaolus. I truely wish i could act idiotic and just have lucky things happen to me. I wish i had the guts in me to throw it all into the air and hope for the best. I wish that i could just get that one lucky break. As it as, i see that in life; i’m just barely scraping by. Maybe a little bit better off; but just enough to keep me from being desperate. I hate feeling stuck… feeling too comfortable that i dont want to take a risk on something i really want; or even something i just THINK i want. I hate sitting here and feeling as if i should be somewhere else; doing something else.

But something along the path of life “taught” me that i need a PLAN.. i need focus.. i need a destination before i could go anywhere. I had to map everything out so precisely as to take all the chances out of it. Logically; it makes complete sense… but its my natural tendancy to battle against the common logic that begins my daily battles.

Ah.. to take an idea off a recent movie… I’m living the life of an alter ego; a costume of what i think society calls of me, of what i believe they see in me and what they want from me. But Inside; i was born something else.. i was born to be something else.. and i cannot change that… and i cannot hide in my costume forever. I’ve gotten where i am against the logic of the world. I’ve done things without perfection, without training, and without a plan… and they have turned out better than i could have imagined..

I strive to take the risks.. strive to live life illogically; and try to trust in my senses. I strive to make my dreams into a reality.

I dont know… there are many times i just really dont know. Why do i find that to be such a issue? It makes me so tight.. my chest hurts, my head starts to swim. I’ve always felt like I only had once chance at life.. one attempt at so many things. Second chances were never in my future. It doesnt help that my life, my childhood reinforced these ideas. It was as tho all my actions, my deeds had to be perfect every time.

Thinking back, i wasnt taught to learn from my mistakes; instead it was drilled into me that mistakes were not to be tolerated. I still hear the shrill voice of my aunt, “You dont know.. you dont know.. always with the you dont know” I can hear it repeating in my head. I feel myself tensing up just thinking about it… the subtle cruelty of my childhood, so barely beneight the surface that it is hardly noticible…

It began those many days ago… the lies and the deceit. The days when i stopped trying. Whenever i felt the road to failure looming ahead i would stop. Better to not have tried then to fail miserably, right? A bad road reinforced along the way; self doubt, self hatred… those words, “you should have done this…” or even the most heartbreaking words… ‘I’m sorry will, too little too late…’

those words haunted me, up to the point where i felt the desire to say the same. So much has been in conflict… the desire to be perfect. The fear of failing… the need to have everything right the first and only time.

Impossibilties… a picture perfect life for someone who never really wanted it. I’m hardly perfect, and I really dont want to be. What can you do with perfection but look at it? Can you ever really live a perfect life? Is there really any beauty in perfection? No.

Life’s beauty lies in its subtle imperfections. Its in those imperfections that i find my drive… my love. The little things that made life challenging, that made waking up in the morning Fun and exciting. All the little things that I noticed, the things that i keep to myself which still make my heart skip a beat. And in those imperfections I wish to live, I wish to love, and i wish to just be.

Life.

For someone like me who seems to be a sucker for giving people chances to redeem themselves, I continue to struggle to give myself that same amount of sympathy. I deserve chances to make up for my mistakes.. to learn from the mistakes instead of dread them. I deserve another chance…

And I fight for the day I can think of what tomorrow will bring and say, ‘I dont know” and not hear the shrill voices of my past drowning out my thoughts. I fight for the day I can say, “I dont know” and feel ok about it.

Did you know me?

And from your kingdom you’re evicted

Do you know me? Do you think you know me? What was it that you saw, or thought you saw when you looked at me? More likely than not… you were wrong. YOU do not know who i am; how can you.. when i’ve shown so little to most people, when i’m only barely discovering now many of the things at my core. All this new discovery, new meanings that you are not privy to; and wont be.

No… you were too preoccupied with your own issues, your own problems to see me there. I was just another minion; a tool moving you forward. What you saw was only what I let you see, and what you know is only a fraction of what is there. And now… now your kingdom is gone; your loyal subjects were never loyal. you are left alone.

Passion,
Winding like a flame; coursed through my body.
Igniting my senses, singing all that i had held to be truth.

Passion,
Shattered my glass cage. brought down the house and left me
Naked in the darkness of my own heart.

Passion,
Brought us together, fused tightly; hearts beating the same simple tune.
hands, bodies, souls unified.

Passion,
Created a new truth, filled my eyes with jealousy, anger..
Fear.

Fear,
Tried to extinguish the flames, and succeeded; for the time being.

Shame,
rebuilt the glass cage around me.

But passion refuses to quit.

Edmond: I don’t believe in God.
Abbe Faria: That doesn’t matter. He believes in you.

Ah, the quote from Count de Monte Cristo; I cant remember if its an exact quote from the book (i just watched the movie so that is fresh in my mind.) But either way its something i feel strongly about. It doesnt matter what supernatural entity is out there over us, or what kind of creature.. being, life force ultimately created us. The point really (IMHO) it not what you believe in, but that you BELIEVE.

The power of faith and belief and trust is overwhelming. These three factors contribute to the most powerful force in the universe; Love. True love takes these three key elements, binds them together, and generates such energy and strength that can overcome anything that is set before us.

Faith, belief, trust… Three things i struggle with many times. Sometimes I find I have these qualities; and other times i find a serious lack. No wonder i have such difficulty sensing the love i have in my life.