Unwritten

I find myself with an unusual amount of free time today. The stress and worry of school and graduating was quickly replaced with the stress and worry of bills and work (and Fanime).

Lately, however time seems to be more readily available; and i sit here in the dark living room, stretched out on the sofa- typing and chatting. This is a pasttime that used to be more the norm maybe 10 years ago. I used to spend more time in front of the computer; chatting, typing, playing games- than i did interacting with people. Now it seems that the computer and I have run into an impass; and i hardly sit down in front of it at all.

Perhaps its just the state of my life now? Things are both good and bad.. and life just is. I find that i grow tired tho. Tired of all the drama, the heartache, and the dissapointment. Its so easy to be discarded in the 1s and 0s of the internet.

I’ve come to the point that i think that is my delima. I have made so many friends online; They used to be my lifeline, my escape. Its just not enough anymore. I ahve grown accustomed to the personal interactions, i grew attached to everyones lives and their problems. However, without the face to face interaction i was once again discarded.

Lately i was wondering why i keep trying? I find myself in shadow- doing what i feel can help those that seem to need it. “heroes” complex? Maybe. I used to feel that i dont ask for anything in return; but lately i find that is incorrect. What i do want is so little tho;

Appreciation. . . is that too much to ask for? Why do i feel discarded once the “problem” i helped with is over?

*sigh* perhaps i’m overdramatic. Perhaps its just all for the best? It just sucks sometimes.

In 2006, I..

[] stayed single
[X] made out in a car
[X] kissed in the snow
[X] kissed in the rain
[] had my heart broken
[] had a stalker
[] lost a friend
[X] had a good relationship with someone

(more…)

“If you were to meet [this person] now, would they be the type of person you would want to be your friend? would you hang out with [them]?”

This is a line that my psychologist once told me in the midst of a long internal battle with myself. I felt like i wasted many years putting time and effort into a relationship that was well past the brink of destruction. I felt like i had to put more and more into it, just for the hope that a glimmer of what “used to be” would come about.

(more…)

Here is one of the first photos of the bouncing baby boy, taken courtesy of the happy father.

What child is this? that has come into the world…

Let it be known that young Nicholas Gin was born upon you this day, December 7, 2006 at 1:22 in the A-M.

Congratulations to the lucky parents, Anna and Mike!

Good luck.. i cant wait to meet him :)

My cousins sent this out, and i thought that it was a pretty neat little questionare for Christmas Presents (and presents in general) so im gonna toss it up here! Its also the “most updated” version as of 12/6/06
My clothing sizes
shoes- 13 - 14
shirts- m-XL
pants- 34 x 34

-List 5 things you want for Christmas (and more 5 things under $10)

Tivo Series 3
Powerbook
Canon 20D Macro lens
Wii
Nobel Collection Da Vinci Code Cryptex

(Under $10)
Gift Certs.
Tea (Loose Leaf)

(more…)

Hello everyone!!

HRD!

Yes indeed, HRD everyone… its been a long couple of months here. I find the desire to post is still strong! but the time given to me to do so is so limited :( I often wonder why i can help design (and practically execute) a website for Fanime in a day or two, but i still can redesign this site in 2 years… I think i’m just afraid of CSS! hahaha, i suck at it majorly.. seriously.

Anyways, the latest event has been Mantha’s 25th birthday ball extravaganza! It was great hanging out with so many old friends, showing off Ashley to the family, and just having a good time celebrating the life of Mantha. :) Mantha’s events always seem to have a way of “opening” people’s eyes and spurning events and ideas which spread on past our own lives. Hahaha, the things i learned and experienced this weekend will be with me for a long long time.

This weekend also showed me how much i do miss my life back in Davis (and at the same time, DONT miss it.. hahaha) In general, i miss the friends… the random evenings just chilling and talking and yes… gossiping! I miss heading out to Denny’s in big groups and sharing stories so hard to believe that it borders on a fantasy. I miss having so much fun that we forget what time it is. While its not necessarily totally lost to me, and i do still have some of these experiences- its some of the general players- Dave, Steve, James, Kalen, Clarissa… that i miss the most.

Ah well… it shows me that *I* need to make more of an effort to keep in touch- something i hope i can accomplish :) There are many other people who have moved to the fringes of my radar that i hope to draw back in to the center.

Anyways… back to school work-

Back to “redesigning” this blog… Perhaps i should stop trying to think so grandly, and bring it back to something clean and simple.

X-posted LJ, Blogger

Hello everyone!!

HRD!

Yes indeed, HRD everyone… its been a long couple of months here. I find the desire to post is still strong! but the time given to me to do so is so limited :( I often wonder why i can help design (and practically execute) a website for Fanime in a day or two, but i still can redesign this site in 2 years… I think i’m just afraid of CSS! hahaha, i suck at it majorly.. seriously.

Anyways, the latest event has been Mantha’s 25th birthday ball extravaganza! It was great hanging out with so many old friends, showing off Ashley to the family, and just having a good time celebrating the life of Mantha. :) Mantha’s events always seem to have a way of “opening” people’s eyes and spurning events and ideas which spread on past our own lives. Hahaha, the things i learned and experienced this weekend will be with me for a long long time.

This weekend also showed me how much i do miss my life back in Davis (and at the same time, DONT miss it.. hahaha) In general, i miss the friends… the random evenings just chilling and talking and yes… gossiping! I miss heading out to Denny’s in big groups and sharing stories so hard to believe that it borders on a fantasy. I miss having so much fun that we forget what time it is. While its not necessarily totally lost to me, and i do still have some of these experiences- its some of the general players- Dave, Steve, James, Kalen, Clarissa… that i miss the most.

Ah well… it shows me that *I* need to make more of an effort to keep in touch- something i hope i can accomplish :) There are many other people who have moved to the fringes of my radar that i hope to draw back in to the center.

Anyways… back to school work-

Back to “redesigning” this blog… Perhaps i should stop trying to think so grandly, and bring it back to something clean and simple.

X-posted LJ, Blogger

I already know that i have trust issues with most people. Thinking about the way i am, i sense that everyone that i meet begins with a level “B” in trust (going by the standard US grading scale). So while i do trust people off the bat, they have to work to gain to a level A… sounds simple right? little things throughout the life of the friendship fluctuates the grade level. That’s pretty normal right?

Ah, the people who are A’s have proven themselves over and over again.. and the two that are A++ well, they just belong there almost naturally. I think that most of my good friends stay in the B to B+ area of trust… Its a good level for me. They know all but the most intimate details and random jabberings in my head. People who dropped to the C level could be classified as “friends” while D level is acquaintance and F of course… stands for “you Fucked with me, so Fuck off” :)

Haha.. its funny that i try to simplify the who acts of friendships into neat little categories… It seems so simple; but it never really is, is it? Anyways; i digress. I take it my trust issues have to deal with people who have dropped down. In my mind its so easy to drop in scale, but its very difficult to rise up in scale. My worrying mind can make the simplest of transgressions into full scale war and conspiracy. Yeah.. its not healthy and not always true. I admit that i can be harsh and stubborn and just plain paranoid when it comes to the people i trust. There are reasons for that.

So even knowing that… and knowing the things people have done to gain up to higher levels; It still amazes me how little some of the people in level A really know/knew me. Its funny how they dont seem to realize that the littlest of things build up. how simple acts of “forgetfulness” can all chain together.

Where does this come from? I guess it comes from the feeling that people dont trust ME enough to be able to just be straight with me. It takes a lot of effort for me to ask for help, and i’d rather have someone tell me honestly “No, i cant do that” than to promise me it will be done only to have something fall to the wayside. I dont like feeling like i have to nag or prod someone to do something, and i really hate it when i get so frustrated that i end up having to take care of whatever it was myself, and at the last minute. Ooh! and I hate it even more when whatever I asked help on is ignored after the promise, and I’m the one forced to always make the first contact to see how things are going.

I feel that i do my best to help people out, to keep them informed of progress, and to cry out when things just arent moving at the pace that is asked of me. I hope that people dont feel the same frustration level with me, I hope they dont get to a point where they dont feel they can trust me to complete tasks asked of me.

Bleh, i dont know exactly where this is all coming from. Well I do, but nothing all to recent triggered it. *sigh* its the little things that always seem to count the most. I just wish that, people would do what they say they will do, or at least tell me that they cant do it anymore; stop forcing me to become the nag.. the bad guy.

Haha… I had League Bowling yesterday; and our team bowled.. well.. pretty horribly. It was like none of us were really into the game that night; and while we didnt do to bad… most of us were disgusted with the result! Dang. Well feeling pretty shitty, Felicia chilled at the house with me and we cheered ourselves up by watching… Anime Porn :D.

We sat in the living room, chillin with some hot lumpia and feasting our eyes (and laughing our asses off) while watching Dragon Pink and F3. Really, i think it was the first time i watched either DVD since i bought them… I had seen them a long time ago back home; when i was doing the ol’ rent and dub technique of expanding my Anime collection :D. They were so funny.. more comedy and entertainment then “hard core porn”

I think Dragon Pink will always be my favorite Hentai title, it brings me back to my ancient D&D days; It shows what us horny little boys wanted D&D to be like, lots of fighting, lots of random stupid meaningless sexual encounters… none of the dice rolling and levling :)