Unwritten

To one of the few important women in my life: Happy Birthday :)

Now, get some rest!

I miss my cat :(

I was able to visit my cat recently and it seems a little harder and harder to leave him back in Davis every time. Its funny to think that when he started coming around, i wasnt all that interested in him (he seemed more interested in Matt and Jill, my housemates at the time).

But like the little black shadow he is, he snuck into my life and remains a pretty big part of it. Sadly, age is starting to get to him, and it makes me sad every time Antonio calls to tell me that he lost another fight, and he just seems lethargic.

Boo :( hopefully things will change.

Many people prolly dont realize, but one of the most frustrating things about myself is my lack of ability to draw. :( I’ve been drawing off and on for almost as long as i can remember, and my talent for drawing is severly lacking. It gets most frustrating when i see other people’s drawings :-P (even more so when i see how old some of these people are)

My imagination doesnt suffer from a lack of images, but i can never seem to get my ideas onto paper and draw them as i see them. Its probably one of the most disheartening experiences i have, and it happens almost every day.

There once was a time where i could keep myself company, where i could have fun with a cardboard box, some markers, and some tape. A time where i was a child, and my brother was still my keeper, and my sister was a little brat. A time i like to think i was happy, but even then i was not so sure.

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Fox river in the suburbs of chicago.

In 2006, I..

[] stayed single
[X] made out in a car
[X] kissed in the snow
[X] kissed in the rain
[] had my heart broken
[] had a stalker
[] lost a friend
[X] had a good relationship with someone

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Welp, i survived another christmas eve with the family. As many people probably thought, it wasnt as bad as it could have been. The evening started on a pretty sour note, and while that note carried through the entire night/morning; we were able to pull through.

In my discussions with Mantha tho, i discovered that perhaps why i seem to dislike Christmas with the family so much; is the possibility of “change” Christmas comes and with it brings the appearance of joy, togetherness, and family. However, in my experience the bubble seems to burst quite quickly. I find the year after year, the high ends with a huge crash- and my bitterness towards my family grows by leaps and bounds. I find i avoid some family interaction; just so that i can possibly hold onto whatever respect and tenderness i still have for the group as a whole (individually is another matter entirely…)

So it begins again, the evening was nice- and everyone (for the most part) had smiles and shared some laughter. Can this hope of real change in peoples minds hold clear? I know that i tend to change a lot with each passing experience with this family; maybe this time will be different? eh?

Well, here we go, only 4ish hours left till Christmas!
Ah, the things we put up with for the sake of family right? So much the drama and angst flowing around me, while i’m just entering a phase of “I dont care” I really dont at this point- I dont want to goto the standard christmas gathering, i dont want to do much of anything but wait till i can leave and make my way back home.

I’m already making plans to have a much different christmas next year, hopefully things will be able to work out. I know it will be difficult to pull off, but anything will be better than the bland, vanilla- standard Christmas of these past 10+ years.

Here is the Christmas Schedule (based off last year, and the year before, and the year before, and the year before. . . )

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As usual, sitting around here at “home” leads to some curiosity on my part. you see, this house leads to a treasure hunt each day. There are boxes upon boxes upon piles of random doohikies and thingamabobs. Some are older than me, others as new as a day. They just lay about, waiting to be discovered by some random passerby.

through the past week, i’ve been randomly poking my nose into a box or two; finding some bits of treasure i never knew existed, or have forgotten about a long long time ago. Like hidden snippets of time and space, memories are unlocked.

Sitting around bored part of the time doesnt help much either; there isnt much for me to do but sit in the cave of what was once the “play room”, watch some tv and surf the interweb. Strangely, this is very similar to my daily life when i used to call this address, my home.

“If you were to meet [this person] now, would they be the type of person you would want to be your friend? would you hang out with [them]?”

This is a line that my psychologist once told me in the midst of a long internal battle with myself. I felt like i wasted many years putting time and effort into a relationship that was well past the brink of destruction. I felt like i had to put more and more into it, just for the hope that a glimmer of what “used to be” would come about.

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