Unwritten

I cant sleep… its fuckin 2am and i cant sleep; Funny– a couple years ago 2am would be when i’m just starting to get to sleep, oh wait.. that was just a couple of months ago that 2am would be a good time to sleep. Perhaps im just really begining to feel my age.. I sleep at 10.. I dunno, im just frustrated. I went to sleep 2 hours ago and all i did was toss and turn and yeah… Think.

My brain is so full of just.. thoughts. Its all surrounding things i cannot control- things that i know are up coming and just out of my hands. I have tried and tried to help lead things in the right directions, but somethings are just too far gone. How do you really tell someone who is your friend that they are doing a bad job? Especially when they are such worrysome persons in the first place? Bah; i know i can do it, and i know that “its all for the best” but it still sucks either way.

Then there are the other thoughts… classes, money, life, love… so much running through my head now that the worries of last quarter are gone. I’m ‘Free’ or so they say. Classes are over for now and i’m on a week’s vacay; Then its off for some R&R and spending time with those I care about.

Also time to try to check off more things in that every growing To-Do pile.. Update Blog, Check. Update Blog Layout, Hmmm… Clean Room, Hmmm…… Ah well.. lots to do, little time to do it?

It feels lonely in here tonight. My room seems so much darker tonight, the world seems like such a big place tonight. My bedroom feels like a planet all onto itself; apart from all that is around me. Here I am, me and my bedroom; floating in the empty abyss of space and time. Life catches up to me– and zips on by just as quickly as it came. Maybe im just out of touch with the ones i care about, maybe i just pulled myself away so that i can accomplish this school thing. Maybe lots of things…

“But who Mark are you?”

Im actually a little sad that i wont be taking onsite classes next quarter. Im afraid that the friendships that i’ve been forming will fade away somewhat. I feel like i’m going to end up falling behind. Perhaps? I dunno; Each end only prompts a new begining; and new beginings are still somewhat frightening for me. I both love and lothe routine and familiarity.

Perhaps im just bipolar?

Or perhaps there is really nothing wrong with me and this is just the way life is to be at this moment.

No day but today…

After some contemplation, my life is filled with an exceptional amount of very extraordinary people. I’m definatly blessed by knowing a lot of very talented, very smart, very dedicated and loyal people. I seem to attract the people who are beyond “normal” beyond the dull and plain.

Unfortunately there is a thin line between brillance and insanity, between intelligence and wisdom, between maturity and childish. On the surface, these people are the same; they show the same quirks; the same distance from the norm– the same rebellion against the status quo. As time goes on tho, the difference is drawn to the surface.

I suppose this means i’m both blessed and cursed; However, time and distance continues to grow, and the bad seeds will continue to be sorted out. All in all, i’m thankful for the blessings i have been given.

Ah.. well quickly; i decided to put off the design of the new layout. Well i have the layout sketched out, and i have most of the images for the design; but i havent had much time to do the actual photo manip and coding; ah well- 2 more weeks of school then ill have a bunch of free time to play around.

Currently im taking a ‘wonderful’ class called ‘Magic and Ritual’ which in of itself is a pretty interesting topic. Unfortunately the teacher leaves something to be desired. Her teaching style just isnt something i can connect with, and thus i have no real connection to the actual class. The reading material is at best mediocre; but it does have its moments. I just wish someone would go through both of our books, pick out the good parts, and make a small printout or something– so i wouldnt feel like most of this is just a waste of time.

However, like i said before, it does have its moments; and the teacher does have some interesting pull quotes/one liners that can stick out. Her most recent one is “what is trying to come to the surface” and this is in reference to our topic of Tattoos and body manipulation. We briefly talked about how Tattoos are a way to bring something within someone’s psyche out onto the surface of their body. How it is used as a signifier of what is there, and what has happened to the person.

It links somewhat to a way ive been feeling lately. I feel as if i’m missing some potential point; as if there is something rising up… something bubbling.. but just cant quite break through the surface of my skin. It is annoying really, feeling like i’m doing something to hold myself back– feeling like i’m just about to crest over the beach but only to fizzle out into a little pool of nothingness. Maybe it gets a little bit closer each time.. maybe.

I wonder what it could be a lot. I wonder if i’m just still scared of what is to become of me, scared of letting go completely. No doubt i still have a lot of fear in me, a lot of anger to be released. How, when, where… I know there is something inside dying to get out– good… bad… who knows; but there is a living entity inside me that is trying dilligently to bust out; to illustrate itself onto the surface of my body.

I think i want another tattoo- but what will it be.