I find that even now, at the ripe ol age of 27, i continue to have an assortment of unnatural… or just seemingly idiotic fears. I know that there are many things in life to fear, and that fear is not necessarily bad; but i find that my bigger fears, lead to really weird fears.
For example; i find that i’m afraid to change this blog. I’m still somehow afraid to learn CSS and do the big conversion.
I’m afraid to be back in school (even tho i definately survived the last 4 year stint in school.) I’m afraid to work again, afraid to get stuck in another dead end job and waste away all my energy.
I also look back and see how much the fears have slowed me down. I’ve been afraid of working before too; afraid of the dead end scene; so much that i’m sure i didnt put all my efforts into finding a job after graduation. I was comfortable in my house, in my small easy job… The comfortable atmosphere placed me exactly where i didnt want to be; in a dead end job- with no real future.
Change.. fear of change fuels it all. Even now, after so much change in my life; i’m afraid of even the smallest bit of uncertanty. Whats gonna happen to me? what will it take to finally overcome that which holds me back and take hold of whats in store for me?
Mmm.. Css…
posted by Grey at 7:34 pm
Sometimes the world looks perfect
Nothin’ to rearrange
Sometimes you just
Get a feelin’ like you need some kind of change
Standin’ tall
On the wings of my dream
Rise and fall
On the wings of my dream
Rain and thunder, the wind and haze
I’m bound for better days
It’s my life
It’s my dream
Nothin’s gonna stop me now.
It bugs me how much i worry about things i have no control over. It sometimes feels like i waste a lot of energy trying to change the things that i cannot, or just worry about a doom that seems to be lurking just around the corner. Do i really have control over the upcoming dark times? can i really predict what will or will not happen? I struggle to maintain a focus, to see what is right in front of me.. to live by my own words “worry about today, and tomorrow till take care of itself”
I’m glad that i’m feeling a little bit more certain.. more in control. That motto i try to preach to others is becoming more and more common place in my own life. The more i teach myself to focus on today, the more the rest of my life seems to be taking care of itself. I really cant say that things are perfect right now; i still have a lot of doubt and fears for the future; but happily the loose ends of my past seem to be tying themselves up.
Perhaps i’m begining to come full circle once again, the repeating pattern of my life leads me down back to where it all began, so that this latest repition may finally end, and a newer bolder chapter can begin.
posted by Grey at 12:00 am
Now that i have no job, and no school; i seem to have less time for the things i used to do on a daily basis! whats up with that? I dont have time to blog, nor do i have time to catch up on all the forums i read.
This “morning” i think i realized why. Since my “morning” consists of waking up at 1-2pm, half the freeking day is gone! WTF… i need to get myself back on my work schedule of waking up at 6-7a. I woke up early yesterday and go so much accomplished; i spent the day in SF and finished up all the paperwork i needed for school. But today, i feel frustrated that half the day is gone already.
Ah well, i want to go and redesign this blog; trying to reflect the new state of my life here in the Baay, and the new things going on in my life.
posted by Grey at 2:12 pm