Unwritten

Silenced?… Muted?…voiceless?… gutless… cowardess… pittiful… pathetic.

So when adversary and truth blinds you in the face, what should you do? Stay silent… act injured and hurt so that her merciful will look down with you with pitty and sorrow? Cower like an injured dog, wimpering like a sad pathetic waste of a life. Biding your time in hopes that the pitty will be the only thing rememberd, and you can continue on with your normal deeds, waiting for the next blow to strike so that you can cower once again.

Me.. i’m tired; tired of all the hiding, the pretending and all the things in between. Tired of waiting for events and respect that i deserve from those that refuse to recognise that i deserve it. I’m tired of waiting, hurt and sad; wondering what it was that *I* did wrong, when in fact it was you who were the wrongdoer. I’m tired of living in the shadow of a “legend” which is only a web of darkeness and lies.

I am me… Will, Skuld, Skuldi, Rimururu, Eeyore, Fish, Roach, Sweetie, Neko-sama, Devil, Evil, Pain bringer, Lie Smasher, Truth deliver, Deciever, Manipulator. I am my fathers son, fathers last great hope, fathers mental mirror image. I’m my mothers son, misunderstood son, talented son, smart, handsome, funny. I am my sisters brother, tormenter, hero, protector and protectee.

I am my brother’s sibling. I am not the mental or physical mirror image of him. I am not the product of his nurturing by the result of his greed. I did not learn by following his actions, but learned by listening to the lies of what he pretended to be. I am the product of the sum of his torments, his deceit, and paperthin value of his words. Where once he was a mentor, teaching us to follow his words and not his actions. I looked up to him once, but now i stare down at him, watching what to me remains to be a child.. and i wonder what happened.

Hes not an evil person… he cannot know evil without feeling the pure hatred that has festered within me for many years. He is not totally self centered, untill you become so close to him that he no longer feels the need to impress you and focuses his energies on someone else “more deserving”. Hes not a stupid person either, smart enough to graduate with two degrees; but still wary in the ways of knowing those around him. Hes not a bum, he has worked “hard” for much of his life; cutting corners and saving money wherever he can, taking advantage of whomever he could in the process. Hes not ugly, he has the ability to charm many people; charm them into believing in him, and following him till he has no use any longer.

Where am i to go now; the desire for redemption and acknowledgement has festerd in me for many years. Penance for even more years of torment and neglect, and false promises. What else is there but to raise my eyes up. To look past the destruction he leaves in his wake, to see past the grey haze that surrounds him. Look past to the beauty in the world that he cannot touch; the solidarity of those survivors. To stand in prayer with the ones who understand, and wait for those who will come in time.

Silent? Muted?… not me…

The cold war begins… and my army grows by the minute.

MilkandCookies - Baby Got Book

Yo! Christian Rappers unite! haha.. this is a funny parody off of Sir Mix a lot’s “Baby God Back” Whats with all the christian Remakes of songs?

MilkandCookies - Baby Got Book

Yo! Christian Rappers unite! haha.. this is a funny parody off of Sir Mix a lot’s “Baby God Back” Whats with all the christian Remakes of songs?

Something Awful Photoshop Friday this week was awesome :) here is my favorite.

http://www.somethingawful.com/articles.php?a=2770

http://www.livejournal.com/community/absolute_jesus/175929.html

Im imposing a once a week creative writing exercise for myself, in the hopes that it will bring more of my creative juices back up to par… This first installment will be a short story that i will write entirely in this post..

It was three days since he first caught sight of her through the window. Silently, eyes pressed against the rubber of his binoculars, he watched her every move. Catching every glance, every subtle movement of her muscles; willing, as if by willpower alone, that he was there with her, learning all there was to learn about her nightly activity.

It was by chance that she first came into his life. While searching for some work to help pay for school, he came across her picture on the internet, followed by some contact information. He was scared, it would be a new experience for him; completely not his style. It took him almost a week to call the number, the voice on the other end could sense his nervousness…”

“Ive never done anything like this before…”

“Its ok, ive done this a few times already, it will be fine… A new experience that could change your life forever!”

“That sounds like quite a sales pitch…”

“I think it would be easier on you if we met in person…”

He met the voice on the phone the next day after class. Seated in a loud dark coffe club he felt panicky. His heart was racing and his brow broke out in a cold sweat. He looked across the table and thought, “I cant belive that i’m actually doing this…” The voice broke the silence.

“Still nervous?”

“Yeah, like i said, i’ve never done this before…”

“Dont worry about it, the first time is always the hardest. Here, take this…”

The voice slided a plain white envelope across the table, and with a wink stood up and made its way out of the shop.

He stared down at the envelope for what seemed like an eternity. Gathering up his courage, he opened it up and found a neatly printed address in the middle of a small scrap of paper.

He made his way into the dark of the night and somehow found himself working his way towards the address. Before he knew it, he caught his first glimpse of her through the window.

Hes been there every night since, and he decided that tonight was the night. After closing his history book, he gathered up his gear and walked out into the cool night air. he moved almost on instinct, his courage building up with every step towards this final destination. he found his way back to his normal spot, a small alcove of a building and peered through his scope across the street.

There she was, in all her glory and beauty. She was exactly where he thought she would be, sitting quietly at a table reading the evening paper. He closed his eyes a moment and let the sound of the wind wash over him. he let his mind go numb, opened his eyes, and squeezed.

The soft twinkling of glass giving way to hot metal was all that shattered the peacefullness of the neighborhood. He packed up his gear and silently made his way down the street. A few blocks away he took out his phone…

“Its done….”

“Good good, i was begining to think you were going to back out on me.

“so did i…”

“twenty thousand will be deposited into your account in an hour… i have more jobs for you if you want.”

“let me sleep on it.”

With that, he wandered his way back home to finish his homework and to face himself in the mirror in the morning.

… Hmm.. well its rough; but its done. -will

April is here, and the tradition of April Fools Day continues. I personally dont like this day, i have enough trouble trusting people; a whole day dedicated to deception and trickery doesnt necessarily appeal to me. I think i’ve gotten better and i’m able to look at actions today with a more light hearted nature and laughter; but dont be surprised if i dont totally believe anything anyone tells me today.

Right now im just sitting. I’ve gotten into my classes at AI, and my online classes begin on monday. My new place is under renovation, and i found out that my rent will cover the utilities and such.

Its weird to see my house is such a mess (well more of a mess than the normal lived in mess that traditionally occupies the space.) So much stuff gonna get ripped up, so much going to just be covered up. Kinda similar to my life i suppose, ripping out the old decaying items that seem to just infect the other areas, while at the same time covering up those things that cannot be removed.

Like i said before, i’ve been tired; life has been a drain on every ounce of strength remaining in me. So much happening, School, life, Love, money, power, responsiblity. I feel so drained of all thought and substance the moment i get home from work… and its not like i’m really “working” at work; i’m sitting around here blogging about my sad sad sad life?

Seriously, $900 a month rent plus food is a lot; especially for someone with no job prospects and no savings and 30K debt on his head. I pay probably 1K a month just on my debt alone… so i will need 19k to live, plus another couple hundred for food… scratch that.. i pay almost 1.5k a month on my debt (sigh)

I know its my own hole, i’m an idiot for digging myself into it. I struggle to pull myself out and i feel angry.. mostly at myself; but partially at the other people i see whom i’m jealous of. I see them moseying along; selfish and lazy and yet still secure. I cant count the number of people i’ve helped out.. emotionally, financially… and here i am; up to debt well past the drowning mark; and i still continue.

So many things seem to keep trying to pull me down, to force me to give up completely. I feel it, i feel it every day; the drive to fail- to give in, to give up, to stop trying. More days than not, i feel me leaing just a littlebit more towards giving in; and yet i dont. Why?

I really dont know; i just have the feeling that it will be alright in the end; but that doesnt make the here and now any easier to bear.
.. maybe if i just tried a different appproach.