Still of the night.

Silenced?… Muted?…voiceless?… gutless… cowardess… pittiful… pathetic.

So when adversary and truth blinds you in the face, what should you do? Stay silent… act injured and hurt so that her merciful will look down with you with pitty and sorrow? Cower like an injured dog, wimpering like a sad pathetic waste of a life. Biding your time in hopes that the pitty will be the only thing rememberd, and you can continue on with your normal deeds, waiting for the next blow to strike so that you can cower once again.

Me.. i’m tired; tired of all the hiding, the pretending and all the things in between. Tired of waiting for events and respect that i deserve from those that refuse to recognise that i deserve it. I’m tired of waiting, hurt and sad; wondering what it was that *I* did wrong, when in fact it was you who were the wrongdoer. I’m tired of living in the shadow of a “legend” which is only a web of darkeness and lies.

I am me… Will, Skuld, Skuldi, Rimururu, Eeyore, Fish, Roach, Sweetie, Neko-sama, Devil, Evil, Pain bringer, Lie Smasher, Truth deliver, Deciever, Manipulator. I am my fathers son, fathers last great hope, fathers mental mirror image. I’m my mothers son, misunderstood son, talented son, smart, handsome, funny. I am my sisters brother, tormenter, hero, protector and protectee.

I am my brother’s sibling. I am not the mental or physical mirror image of him. I am not the product of his nurturing by the result of his greed. I did not learn by following his actions, but learned by listening to the lies of what he pretended to be. I am the product of the sum of his torments, his deceit, and paperthin value of his words. Where once he was a mentor, teaching us to follow his words and not his actions. I looked up to him once, but now i stare down at him, watching what to me remains to be a child.. and i wonder what happened.

Hes not an evil person… he cannot know evil without feeling the pure hatred that has festered within me for many years. He is not totally self centered, untill you become so close to him that he no longer feels the need to impress you and focuses his energies on someone else “more deserving”. Hes not a stupid person either, smart enough to graduate with two degrees; but still wary in the ways of knowing those around him. Hes not a bum, he has worked “hard” for much of his life; cutting corners and saving money wherever he can, taking advantage of whomever he could in the process. Hes not ugly, he has the ability to charm many people; charm them into believing in him, and following him till he has no use any longer.

Where am i to go now; the desire for redemption and acknowledgement has festerd in me for many years. Penance for even more years of torment and neglect, and false promises. What else is there but to raise my eyes up. To look past the destruction he leaves in his wake, to see past the grey haze that surrounds him. Look past to the beauty in the world that he cannot touch; the solidarity of those survivors. To stand in prayer with the ones who understand, and wait for those who will come in time.

Silent? Muted?… not me…

The cold war begins… and my army grows by the minute.