April Fool…

April is here, and the tradition of April Fools Day continues. I personally dont like this day, i have enough trouble trusting people; a whole day dedicated to deception and trickery doesnt necessarily appeal to me. I think i’ve gotten better and i’m able to look at actions today with a more light hearted nature and laughter; but dont be surprised if i dont totally believe anything anyone tells me today.

Right now im just sitting. I’ve gotten into my classes at AI, and my online classes begin on monday. My new place is under renovation, and i found out that my rent will cover the utilities and such.

Its weird to see my house is such a mess (well more of a mess than the normal lived in mess that traditionally occupies the space.) So much stuff gonna get ripped up, so much going to just be covered up. Kinda similar to my life i suppose, ripping out the old decaying items that seem to just infect the other areas, while at the same time covering up those things that cannot be removed.

Like i said before, i’ve been tired; life has been a drain on every ounce of strength remaining in me. So much happening, School, life, Love, money, power, responsiblity. I feel so drained of all thought and substance the moment i get home from work… and its not like i’m really “working” at work; i’m sitting around here blogging about my sad sad sad life?

Seriously, $900 a month rent plus food is a lot; especially for someone with no job prospects and no savings and 30K debt on his head. I pay probably 1K a month just on my debt alone… so i will need 19k to live, plus another couple hundred for food… scratch that.. i pay almost 1.5k a month on my debt (sigh)

I know its my own hole, i’m an idiot for digging myself into it. I struggle to pull myself out and i feel angry.. mostly at myself; but partially at the other people i see whom i’m jealous of. I see them moseying along; selfish and lazy and yet still secure. I cant count the number of people i’ve helped out.. emotionally, financially… and here i am; up to debt well past the drowning mark; and i still continue.

So many things seem to keep trying to pull me down, to force me to give up completely. I feel it, i feel it every day; the drive to fail- to give in, to give up, to stop trying. More days than not, i feel me leaing just a littlebit more towards giving in; and yet i dont. Why?

I really dont know; i just have the feeling that it will be alright in the end; but that doesnt make the here and now any easier to bear.
.. maybe if i just tried a different appproach.