Ramblings…

At the end of the day, whether or not those people are comfortable with how you’re living your life doesn’t matter. What matters is whether you’re comfortable with it.-Phillip C. McGraw

Life is changing around me and i wonder what is happening in the world. I’ve always tried to be objective when it comes to approaching an issue. I try to see both sides of the argument and maybe find what the balance is. I know i have not always been successful; and i find that looking back i seem to lean more towards giving ground to an opposing argument. I have for a long time, lived my life in the eyes of those around me. I’ve bottled up many emotions and thoughts in fear that they might be revealed to those all knowing eyes of my friends and family.

I have spent over a year in therapy trying to rediscover those feelings. They had been bottled away so long that their labels were so worn and tattered that you couldnt tell what was in it on a mere glance. I had to pop the cork on every bottle and let it breathe… I had to make them all a part of me just to see what was there. Not all of it was bad; but not all of it was good either.

Still the ever present question arises; “Who am I?” Recently, as i lay at night coughing and praying to God to grant me a good nights sleep, i pondered what the heck was going on with me. This persistant cough which i call a blessing and a curse; The cough which i’ve considered “punishment” for the wrongs i have brought upon the earth. The cough which keeps me up late at night, gasping for breath and a moments peace.

I’ve considered my concept of God and my own life. Do i feel guilty of something? is that why i seem to wish upon myself divine punishment? Perhaps… I know that there are definate instances of where i have brought hurt on those i love… Especially the ones i love the most. I do wish upon myself some sort of divine retrubution, in hopes that it could wipe clean this dirty slate of mine and bring me the peace that i wish for.

But i know it will not happen. I know that much of the suffering is brought on by myself, and that the best course of action is to learn from my mistakes and try to be a better person because of it. I know that there is nothing i can do to force forgiveness from others; i know that the forgiveness must begin with me.

I know that there are many things i wish i could do, many pains that i wish i could lift off those i love. I also know that they but need ask and i will do what i can.

I know that i am but one man. A speck in the timeline of existance. I cannot heal the pains of the world in mass; but i can try… one person at a time. I know that my life is mine to live, and the prying eyes of those around me will pry no matter what paths i pick.

And i know, that in time all will be made clear.