Unwritten

The office sucks today… They lay down rules and laws that make no sense.. and whats so funny is they are rules that govern computer usage and distribution.. and yet they know nothing about the computers.

Far be it for me to try to make my own work more efficient and productive, and far be it from me to know who needs the more powerful computers and who really doesnt. Geez, its sad how things continue to be..

i really want out.

It has been an interesting last week. Many surprises to say the least… haha. My life is taking some weird turns now; and i’m really scared of where im heading. Some parts feel as if i’m moving on, otheres feel like im falling behind. i know that some goals in life require you to take a step or two backwards in order to really move forward, but these steps seem like admiting failure.. (something i have much trouble with)

What is up with all that? i cant even seem to take my own advice; or perhaps its because i dont seem to have a “me” in my life… someone like me who is able to get me to see things in a different light. Or maybe i’m just a Stuborn little punk who refuses to really listen to the advice that is given him.

I dont know, but i can tell for sure that im scared; scared of making more mistakes, scared of committing myself to things that i wont be able to change, scared to have the best years falling behind me.

Its like as i try to leave things behind, they come back to me, trying to hold onto me… Maybe im just not ready to let go… maybe i just cant see things for what they are today as opposed to what they were yesterday. So much learning still to go on in my head.. so much acceptance of change. change from the outside and from the inside.

Who the fuck am i now?

i got this from Ayacchi.

1. Grab the nearest book.
2. Open the book to page 123
3. Find the fifth full sentence.
4. Post the text of the sentence in your journal along with these instructions.
5. Don’t search around for the coolest book you can find. Do what’s actually nearest to you (We already know you, no use trying to be pretentious)

book 1: (No page 123)
book 2: (No page 123)
book 3: (Operators on the same line have the same level of precedence.) -MySQL the complete reference, McGrawHill

Life for me right now is all about opening the doors. i’ve hidden behind some pretty heavy iron clad vault doors for quite a while now, and it was only suffocating me as i used up all the available air. So somewhere along the line this past month i found myself pushing it open, little by little, till next thing i knew i was standing clear out in the open.

And then it all just came rushing in. Its funny how when you hide behind a door, you are waiting for someone to come and knock, or even open it for you; You wait and wait, losing hope and running out of resources for that one moment that you think will free you from your personal prison.

But when you realize that the one with the key to your fate is you; you open the door and waltz out only to find the most unexpected of things. Whatever it was you were waiting for is there… and you find that you didnt need it afterall.

Life continues to move me in interesting directions, and the new revelations of this past month will keep me thinking for some time to come.

The world looks so much different out in the open.

Ok, i stole this test off of Amanda, who in turn took it from others :-P

Your Brain Usage Profile:

Auditory : 55%

Visual : 44%

Left : 25%

Right : 75%

William, you show a slight right-hemisphere dominance with a moderate preference for auditory processing, an unusual and somewhat paradoxical combination of characteristics.

You are drawn to a random and sometimes nonchalant synthesis of material. You learn as it seems important to a specific situation, and might even develop a resentment of others who attempt to direct your learning down a specific channel.

Your right-hemispheric dominance provides a structure that is only loosely organized and one which processes entire swatches of reality, overlooking details. You are emotional in your reactions and perceptual more than logical in your approach, although you can impose structure and a language base when necessary.

Your auditory preference, on the other hand, implies that you process information sequentially and unidimensionally. This combination of right-brain and auditory modes creates conflict, as you want to process data more rapidly than your natural processes allow.

Your tendency to be creative and free-flowing is accompanied by sufficient ability to organize and be logical, allowing you a reasonable degree of success in a number of different endeavors. You take in information methodically and systematically which can then be synthesized rapidly. In this manner, you manage to function consistently well, although certainly less efficiently than you desire.

You prefer the abstract and are a theoretician at heart while retaining the ability to be practical. You find the symbolism in a great deal of what you encounter and are something of a “mystic.”

With regards to your lifestyle, you have the mentality which would be good as a philosopher, writer, journalist, or instructor, or possibly as a systems designer or social worker. Perhaps most important is your ability to “listen to your inner voice” as a mode of skipping over unnecessary steps to achieve your goals.

Ok, i stole this test off of Amanda, who in turn took it from others :-P

Your Brain Usage Profile:

Auditory : 55%

Visual : 44%

Left : 25%

Right : 75%

William, you show a slight right-hemisphere dominance with a moderate preference for auditory processing, an unusual and somewhat paradoxical combination of characteristics.

You are drawn to a random and sometimes nonchalant synthesis of material. You learn as it seems important to a specific situation, and might even develop a resentment of others who attempt to direct your learning down a specific channel.

Your right-hemispheric dominance provides a structure that is only loosely organized and one which processes entire swatches of reality, overlooking details. You are emotional in your reactions and perceptual more than logical in your approach, although you can impose structure and a language base when necessary.

Your auditory preference, on the other hand, implies that you process information sequentially and unidimensionally. This combination of right-brain and auditory modes creates conflict, as you want to process data more rapidly than your natural processes allow.

Your tendency to be creative and free-flowing is accompanied by sufficient ability to organize and be logical, allowing you a reasonable degree of success in a number of different endeavors. You take in information methodically and systematically which can then be synthesized rapidly. In this manner, you manage to function consistently well, although certainly less efficiently than you desire.

You prefer the abstract and are a theoretician at heart while retaining the ability to be practical. You find the symbolism in a great deal of what you encounter and are something of a “mystic.”

With regards to your lifestyle, you have the mentality which would be good as a philosopher, writer, journalist, or instructor, or possibly as a systems designer or social worker. Perhaps most important is your ability to “listen to your inner voice” as a mode of skipping over unnecessary steps to achieve your goals.

Life is interesting in how much of it is a big circle. You go round and round and round, finding yourself in similar situations in your past and your near future. Its great how life leads you down somewhat familuar paths, giving you chances to say that thing you wish you had said, or do that think you wish you had done; Maybe some of the scenery or some of the actors have changed; but the star… you; remains the constant.

Hopefully we learn from the last revoluion and change… make more mistakes and remember them the next time around.

There have been quite a number of times i wanted to post last week, and i never found that last ounce of time of ambition to get my words down. I eventually got something down, but it didnt have the energy or message that i was hoping for… And now it feels like whatever it was last week is gone forever, i can only catch vague glimpses of it in my memory. Maybe thats for the best, perhaps it was a subconscious decision to keep certain aspects of life to myself.. maybe as much as i long for public appreciation and concern, there is still a major part of me that will remain the shy quiet boy who got through much of school as only a shadow in the minds of former classmates.

Ive been thinking a lot of things.. Identity.. identity theft.. this blog; myself and my future. I know major things are coming down the line, i cannot avoid it anymore. The house will be run by another, my room occupied by another. I will uproot what i felt was my “place” in order to search for another place that better fits who i am now. I am forced to flee this shell of a former life that i continue to cling to.. for the obscure and false security and comfort it offers… my life of laziness.. my life of loathing and private comfort. Its a life that i once adored, the ability to just goto work and come home.. to put my feet up; eat, watch TV and do it all over agian the next day. But inside of me is a growing force.. restless, cruel, hungry. It touches the primal force within me and seeks to not only rip open this facade of a life that ive been living, but to smash it to bits till there is nothing left but a wisper in my mind.

Everything begins to feel different. My traditional ride down to Dave and Busters in Miliptas for “Black Monday” wasnt fueled by random chatter and bashing of ones “exes” but instead was filled with the same banter and random fun that me and my roomates have had for the past 2 years. WE laughed, we drank and we ate; then we complained a lot and went home.. Haha. But i didnt feel sorry for myself, it was good to be alive, and i enjoyed the brief time we got to spend over in a world apart from our norm.

Work still sucks, but i still love the people. I am still both saddened and relieved at my pending move out of this dismal go nowhere job into a life of uncertanity and doom. And while i know almost as if it were fact, that i will be in dire straights and maybe even regret what im about to do; i still welcome the darkness to come with open arms. (well maybe not so open arms, i am fighting and kicking with every step; but i continue to move forward none the less).

I have even considered moving back home…

What is there in the bay for me? my friends that i have hardly seen thse past 4 years or so? My Convention which leaves me more unmotivated the more i run into more and more obsticals?

Once or twice as I stood waiting there for things to accomplish themselves, I could not resist an impulse to laugh at my miserable quandary. The Island of Doctor Moreau by Wells, H.G.

I am both perplex and excited by this situation which i have created for myself. The tension of spirt and soul and mind rip holes and open ideas which once were but a twinkle in the light of my life.

I feel like i’m living in the Outer Limits..

There is nothing wrong with your television. Do not attempt to adjust the picture. We are now controlling the transmission. We control the horizontal and the vertical. We can deluge you with a thousand channels or expand one single image to crystal clarity and beyond. We can shape your vision to anything our imagination can conceive. For the next hour we will control all that you see and hear. You are about to experience the awe and mystery which reaches from the deepest inner mind to the outer limits.

Its so hard to be a nice person nowadays.. everyone seems to be looking at you closely, examining your every move.. always have to “check up” on things for themselves. I find it more and more difficult to put other people first, to think of the little guy.. to try to find what is fair for all parties.

People always looking out for themselves and only themselves, hiding the the guise of sweetness and concern, but when the dollars and cents are in, all they care about is themselves.

*sigh* I’ll be so glad when i am done with this… this time around definately has been the worse experience so far.