Unwritten

Fate has turned my head in a different direction. Now i feel myself wandering down a different road. A similar road, but different in a good way?

It began a week or 2 ago, i received a postcard for a “information session” which is held this weekend at the Doubletree in Sac. Now upon first reading it (and many many other reads) i thought it was from the acadamy of art San Francisco, the school i had been planning on attending for the past year or so.

Upon arrivval at the doubletree, i discover that i was wrong! the postcard was actually from the Art Institute of San Francisco! OMG! I had been avoiding them for so long and there i was in the heart of it all; and i couldnt figure out why. Immediately i was in there talking with an admissions officer, asking lots of questions and.. surprisingly enough, getting some straight honest answers!

Im now honestly considering going to AI instead of AA. Its always felt weird to me to go BACK to school just to get a second degree, i keep feeling that i need to go get a masters or something; but overall i feel that education here would be so much better. Can i fight off the fears that i’ll be an old fish in a young pond? I will definately be the oldest one in the undergraduate program there; but will it really matter? I hope not.. i know i have so many fears of both locations… Maybe ill buy my fellow classmates a few beers to introduce myself ^_^;

I got this from miss purple_orchid ;)

WRITE THE FIRST THING THAT COMES INTO YOUR HEAD…

I WANT: A million Dollars
I NEED: to finish my portfolio
I HAVE: a nervous twitch
I REGRET: nothing
I WISH: I didnt have so many secrets
I LOVE: :)
I HATE: stupid drivers
I MUST: Work on my portfolio
I CANT: wait till im out of here
I LEARNT: im very weird
I MISS: coming home to someone
I FEAR: im going to make a mistake
I HEAR: the low rumbling of the heater
I SEARCH: for happiness

LAST TIME YOU…

SMILED? Last Night
CRIED? Last night, watched “Phantom of the Opera”
BOUGHT SOMETHING? Sunday, Bought some computer stuff
GOT HAMMERED? A few years ago
WERE SARCASTIC? a few minutes ago
KISSED SOMEONE? Depends…
HAD SEX? A few months
HAD A DREAM? A couple days ago
LAST THING YOU READ: Divinci Code
LAST MOVIE YOU SAW ON THE BIG SCREEN: last night “Phantom of the Opera”
LAST PHONE YOU CALLED: Mantha
LAST SONG YOU HEARD: “Lose yourself”
LAST THING YOU ATE: chocolate Crossaunt

DO YOU…

SMOKE? no
DO DRUGS? No
HAVE A BOYFRIEND/GIRLFRIEND? no
HAVE A DREAM THAT KEEPS COMING BACK? no
REMEMBER YOUR FIRST LOVE? yes
HAVE YOU ANY GAY BISEXUAL OR LESBIAN FRIENDS? yes
BELIEVE IN MIRACLES? Yes
BELIEVE IT’S POSSIBLE TO REMAIN FAITHFUL FOREVER? Yes
LIKE THE TASTE OF ALCOHOL? No, but i like the effects
BELIEVE IN ALLAH? no
HAVE ANY SECRETS? Yes, more than you will ever know
HAVE ANY PETS? yes, Guido La Bounty
GO TO OR PLAN TO GO TO UNIVERSITY? Finished already
HAVE ANY BAD HABITS? Definately
PIERCING? One
HAVE ANY TATTOOS? Two
HAVE A BEST FRIEND? Not anymore
CARE ABOUT LOOKS? Kinda
TRUST OTHERS EASILY? To a degree, the rest must be earned
LIKE SARCASM? yes
TAKE WALKS IN THE RAIN? Sometimes
KISS WITH YOUR EYES CLOSED? yes
SING IN THE SHOWER? Yep
OWN HANDCUFFS? Ues
HAVE ANY SCARS? Lots of them, mostly caused by loved ones.

I have just realized really how much i resist change.. or maybe its just a matter of how far away from the “new” i am. I have just RECENTLY started trying out FireFox. Im also finally starting to accept alternate forms of AIM and entertaining the idea that my webserver might have to change to a web hosting account and bring myself away from hosting my own email and such. I have tried to be so self reliant… I also like the fact that i could say, “oh.. my email? its about 5 feet from my bedroom door” but for what? its such a pain today to even try to learn to maintain it.. and with my pending move out of Davis, alternate methods need to be taken into account.

As to the whole leaving davis thing.. dont even get me started there.. I can feel myself fighting tooth and nail..

I find myself standing at the very bottom of a beautiful valley. Its a wonderous place, and yet ive been looking at it for years. My eyes have been glancing more and more over the mountain tops, wondering whats on the other side.. and still dreading that dangerous climb to the top. I have watched many a friend and family gather their gear and make that climb, some of which i have lost over the horizon. I know my trip is coming soon.. my bags are packed; my gear is set… and yet i still sit here, only looking over the peeks and dreaming of what wonders await.

Im Moody again.. which goes to add to yet another “theres a male PMS” theory. It does seem to get me at least once a month, but every few months theres a big influx of randomness and foggyness in my brain.

But sitting here at this moment.. maybe its not a foggyness; perhaps its a clarity of thought that rides through the darkness of my mind. I can feel it always building.. these long drawn out times of moodyness. I feel the primal rages building within my heart and soul. I feel the bloodlust, the anger, the will to do harm upon those who oppose me. I feel the eyes of those around me, staring; judging me. I feel the eyes of the world taking a second glance at me, watching for my failure to shine through. Im reminded of all that has gone wrong..

I sence the stench of betrayal wafting to my nose till i cannot take much more. Perhaps its the betrayal of others to me.. or even the stench of my own betrayal yet to come. I sense the dirty and the grime all around me, I feel the need to shower over and over, trying to rid myself of the dirt of human nature. At these times i see the darkness of the souls of those around me, and in doing so they taint my black heart even more.

Maybe im afraid.. ok; no maybes about it. There comes a time when one must question those things he holds dear. A time when they must re-evaluate those things that have become familuar… routine. I have come to hold the following quote as a reflection of my life..:

In all affairs it’s a healthy thing now and then to hang a question mark on the things you have long taken for granted.-Bertrand Russell (1872 - 1970)

Maybe it be better if i just shut myself away when i feel this way… it would probably be for the best.

Hmm, i know i dont have many private entries.. but this will be pretty personal.

Once upon a time i felt i knew who the one was…
Then came along someone else..
then someone else..

Young love is so fickle.. i suppose. I try to compare how i feel now to how i felt when i was younger and i cant seem to find much difference. Sure, how i act is different; but what i feel inside.. doesnt change.

I still love those who have come before.. Their names echo in my thoughts.
Carmelyn Mamaril… The first i felt i really connected to. We spent many long hours online chatting and just talking. My average sleep time in HS was 3-4am.. We’d talk for hours… Now i cant seem to remember what we talked about.. except that it was good. I remember the first time we spoke on the phone; i waited anxiously by my phone in my single dorm room. We talked for a long time too..

I cant remember her voice.. nor can i picture her face in my head (we never met face to face..)

Then there was Milly Shiu. She brought me out of a funk and “taught” me how to be a man. As much a mistake this was, it was right for me at the time. She tried to teach me her way, and in accepting her way as law, i lost track of myself. There was NOTHING she could teach me that i hadnt the ability to learn on my own, but my laziness was my downfall. She did help me break out of my routine tho, and through my mistakes i learned a lot. She wasnt intentionally a bad person for me, but our match-up was forced at best.

But her betrayal was unexpected.

Along came Rosina, unfortunately in the middle of the above debacle. She didnt know, and I didnt know the effect my life with Milly had on me. I thought it was over, but her grasp was far reaching and soon i felt her fingers at my throat. Things i could have prevented happened, and in the end Rosina and I fell.

More her than me, and my betrayal was.. unexpected.

I still love all three, and their role in my life is only vaguely defined with these words of black. I woudnt be who i am without their influences. And as the last hope of recovery with Rosina trickles down the drain of my life, i look forward to possibilities of the future.. and one hope springs eternal.

This one, will be the one.

I sit here awake.. thoughts triggered by another LJ i just read. Wanting to let loose and yet scared because of the small world that exists around my journals, my life. I’m no longer anonymous… or maybe i just dont perceive myself as anonymous anymore. The words of my journals come back to me somehow; but only the ones that i dont want to come back to me.. Haha.

But here i continue, one of the hopeless cases; seeming ready to spew the daily rants of their mundane and useless lives. and still here I am, one of the free thinkers of the internet, disgusted with society and government.. Tired of war and manipulation… ranting to our hearts content, and sometimes even doing something about it.

I came here alone and forgotten, a small fish in a big pond. And Now i find myself among other small fish. fish of different sizes, different races, different thoughts and different values. I’m not so alone after all am I?

With that peace of mind comes fear, fear of judgment… fear of not fitting in. Fear that my opinion will not be respected, but bashed across the digital relm.

So as my current favorite character in KOTOR II says (paraphrased since i cant remember the exact quote) “Distrust is a powerful shield against manipulation” (or something like that.. i should go play that section again to find out.. but basically, My time of blind faith in humanity and my “friends” is coming to a close… i will fall back into the era where trust must be gain and held.

This is my current favorite quote:
“In all affairs it’s a healthy thing now and then to hang a question mark on the things you have long taken for granted.”
Bertrand Russell (1872 - 1970)

Originally Posted, January 29, 2001.

“December twenty-fourth–ten PM eastern standard time. I can’t believe a year went by so fast. Time to see–What we have–time to see…..”

Location: Davis California. A Home in East Davis, 6:45AM

The early morning light filters through the fabric covered vertical venician blinds. Outside the air is crisp, but inside the room fills with the heat from the furnace. Underneight the blankets I’m warm. I’m dreaming of someone special, dreaming of….. The alarm goes off.

“Uggggghhh……..”

I hit the snooze button and mutter to myself

“Damn…. It was such a nice dream too..”

7:00AM

“BEEEEP…BEEEEEP….BEEEEEE…….” *Snooze*

7:15AM

“BEEEEP…BEEEEEP….BEEEEEEP…..”*Click* I turn off the alarm and sit up. I yawn, my mouth stretching out so much that i could probably fit my whole fist into it. Morning is here and its time to start another day. I get to my feet and head to the bathroom: Time to shower, brush, and make myself presentable.

7:40AM

All is ready, I need to get to Campus early if i want to get myself a parking space. Its amazing how things change. A couple years ago parking was pretty easy to find (especially since i didnt drive and i biked everywhere) but now i have to be on campus by 8am or i’ll be stuck with attendant assistant parking. What is that? its cheep valet parking =) where they drive your car around all day while other people come in and out. Waste of gas, milage, and you have to put all your valuables in the trunk!

I get into my car, yes MY car. I got it a year ago from my Aunt. Its the first “major” thing that i’ve owned completely on my own =) I back out of the driveway, groaning at all the junior high school kids who hang around my street. I curse to myself as yet another IDIOT parent decides that that empty spot in front of my house (and driveway) is perfect for dropping their kid off. I show them, i keep on backing out until they finally realize whats going on and move on to a better location. I get my butt into the street and wait for an opening.

7:49AM

Finally got on the road! Its a pretty tame ride. I head down one street, turn right onto fifth then head on down till i get to campus. I pull into the campus parking structure and find a parking spot. Work starts at eight, i gotta get my butt into gear!

8:00AM

WORK! =) well I work at the University of California, Davis, Counseling Center. Most people seem to think that i’m a counselor or something and they are partially right. I currently counsel all the counselors on how to use their computers! =) Its amazing how many people with their PH.D’s dont know how to use a simple program like Microsoft Word. Its even more amazing how many of these people dont know how to use a printer! How the heck did they get their Doctorate with this lack of knowledge in simple technology? How did they write their disertation without knowing how to print?! Howcome i feel like i have so much more common sense than them and yet i get paid so much less! haha, well thats how life goes i guess.

I like working here. Its not the GREATEST place in the world, but the people are friendly, they have lots of parties, and i get a decent wage. It is weird for me however, because i am the youngest person here. The only person closest to my age is probably a good 10 years older than me. Even more of them have children or grandchildren who are close to my age. Sometimes i feel lonely here, but when lunch time comes and we all sit around playing dominoes… age ceses to matter and we’re just a bunch of friends hanging out. =)

10:00AM

Time for my break. I’ve been working for two hours and here’s a brief list of things i’ve done.

1. Got to work and turned on my computers (3)
2. I checked my e-mail and updated myself on Ernie’s Blog
3. Updated myself on Milly’s Blog
4. I cheked my internal mail “QuickMail” to find out what things needed to be done today
5. Screamed to myself at all the problems that developed over the weekend….. Ugh
6. Installed microsoft work 2001 on about 5 computers (still have 40+ more to do)
7. Went to the big boss (The center director) and added little fox icons to her Microsoft Word toolbar. Why you ask? because she works late night and it keeps her company. Yeah, its a little childish, but as my supervisor says “A Happy Boss is a Good Boss”. I added a little extra touches myself =) I made it so that when she puts her mouse over the icon it pops up “Hi Judy!”
8. Pulled a G4 from storage to reformat and setup for another user. After this computer is in place, there will be 2 Macintosh 5400s left… one belonging to a counselor and the other belonging to me… How sad.
9. Called into apple to check up on a repair order. You know you have a good job when you can drop a $3000 powerbook computer and have your job pay for its repair. But not only that! you have your support team (me) spend a whole day trying to get the broken machine to work just long enough so you can get all the data off the hard drive.
10. checked out some web pages to see if any of our software has updates or new releases available

12:00

Well its lunchtime now, and work is over. I usually only work mornings or whenever i can fit it into my schedule. Sometimes the day goes by fast like today, mainly because i have a lot of things i need to do. Other days it feels like the day will never end (thats when i have NOTHING to do). Its a good fluxuation so that things are never too boring or too exciting. It keeps me interested =) and out of any rigid routine.

Today i’m going to head over to the Coffee House to hang out with my Alpha Phi Omega Buddies. This year we are celebrating Fifty years of service to the Davis campus and community. I’m psyched! Ive been with Iota Phi for what? five years now and i’ve held an office almost EVERY term. I’ve been everything from the Corresponding Secretary, to Fellowship Vice President, to Pledge Parent, to President. This is probably my last really active term and i’ve been elected to the office of Pledge Parent for the second time!

Who would have guessed that Alpha Phi Omega would mean so much to me? It has brought me so many friendships and opportunities that i would have never gotten on my own. Its shown me how to be a leader, a friend, and how to perform service to others in a way that makes it fun and rewarding. Today at the Coffee House we all talk about the upcoming term and the upcoming 50th Anniversary Banquet.

I chill with my friends and spend the time eatting and catching up with some minor homework assignments…

2:00

Damn, time went by so fast that its time to get back into the groove of things. Its 2:00 and i have to head over to class. Today’s class is “History of Costume Design” a class that in itself seems interesting, but watching slides fly by my face on two screens for two hours isnt my idea of a good time. To top it all off the text book for this class cost me a whopping $120! and thats just for the main text book, there was a secondary book that cost me $40. Man! being a design major is an expensive field of work.

4:00

two hours and a couple of catnaps later, class is over. I have a good page of notes to go along with the good two or three pages of notes my classmates have. But luckily for me they are my friends and theres no shame in sharing notes with the design community. I head back over to the Coffee house to see if there is anyone around. Of course there are =) when isnt there someone i know hanging out at the Coffee House? I grab a seat and we shoot the breeze for a while.

4:30

Well i should be heading home now, there is an Alpha Phi Omega general meeting today at six, so i should head home and get some things i need (and some food). I get home and change into more APO clothing and get ready for the meeting. After a quick snack I call to check if people need rides then head off to the meeting. Today’s meeting is in Chem 174.

6:15

Meeting is supposed to start right now, but we’re a few minutes off. This is much better than the half hour or even the one hour late starts that used to happen back in the days. Today’s meeting goes by pretty quickly and efficently (i think this is mainly because this term is prettymuch done with, and most of the offices have nothing new to report).

7:00

The meeting ends gracefully =). The Muggings at the end of the meeting last longer than the meeting itself! For those of you who dont know, mugs are when you either praise or repremand members for things that happened the last week. Its not ment to humiliate anyone, just some good fun. An example would be to mug someone for giving you a ride to a the meeting =) (thats a good mug). Another example is mugging someone for giving you a ride to a project, but getting lost and ending up missing the project all togehter (thats a bad mug). After muggings end we sang our Toast Song. After all is said and done, the few really hard core people seem to hang around catching eachother up on the weekend’s events. Its really quite fun, just hanging out with actual people and talking. It reminds me of my days Mucking except i know these people personally. They know who i really am and can see my face.

Its a different feeling having face to face friends. People that I can watch movies with, or just go someplace to talk. It feels real good going to parties, planing parties, and just having lots of fun. I dont really see what was so fascinating with the online life. Its so much better talking online to people that i have an chance of seeing in person. It seems so much more real and more genuine. I dont have to secondguess their words, or wonder what they are really trying to do online. Ah, but i can talk for hours on this, right now its time to talk with my friends.

8:00

Eight o’clock allready?! damn… i just got home and i’m starving. I get some dinner together and turn on my computer. Its time to check my e-mail and see if there is anything new. I spend the rest of the evening relaxing in front of my TV and idly doing some projects.

10:00

Well its time to goto sleep. I have most of my work done and i have an early day tomorrow. I get on the floor and do some exercises. Nothing big =) just some crunches, and some pushups, and leg lifts, and whatever else i feel up to doing.

11:00

Ok i lied, i didnt head off to bed, but i did do a good fifteen minutes of exercises, then sat up and watched a little TV. But now i swear! i’m going to goto bed, just as soon as i see whos online and tell them goodnight….

Midnight

Ok, so it took me a little longer to say goodnight. But its hard! i love talking with my friends. but now its midnight and i HAVE to goto sleep. I spend a couple minutes figuring out things that i have to finish up in the next couple days and write it down (sometimes =P). I finally get around to shutting down my computer and turn off the light. I cuddle up in my bed pull the covers over me and slowly fall asleep. Tomorrow’s another day.

The day is over…

I slept the whole day away…

It feels good.

Sci-fi network is going to kill me.. Friday Night Sci-Fi is the best.. Stargate, Stagrate: Atlantis, and BattleStar.. They will be getting me into watching tv more focused again.

Yesterday was a pain.. Meeting in San Jose early in the morning. Didnt get food (like i thought we were going to) Driving back to Davis.. then alternately working on portfolio and playing KOTOR II. This portfolio business is hard, harder than my personal statement (which is also in flux). how do i brand myself? How do i make something out of 20 pieces that reflect who i am and my skills?

I never feel that my work accurately reflects what im capable of.. i always think i can do better…

A while back (January 2001) I ran 2 posts which compared a day in the life of me.. 1 when i was a college student.. then the other when i was working.. I think i’ll continue that and post a day in the life of me.. today.. well modern times.. haha. But first i will repost the original days..

Original Post Date: January 26, 2001

SO here i am: Over a week without any e-mail and how do i feel? I feel… GREAT. Not that i didnt miss it, but its good to realize that my life doesnt have to revolve around my computer. Its nice to know there is life outside of the technology that so infuses most of our lives. so for you’re reading enjoyment: I will be presenting two short narratives. The first narrative will be a typical day in my life when i was a freshman here at good ol UC Davis. The second will be a typical day in my life in the present (as in as a almost graduating super senior) I have to say i’m surprised at all the differences. Well Enjoy =)

“December twenty-fourth–nine P M, eastern standard time. From here on in i shoot without a script. See if anything comes of it–instead of my old Shit…”

Location: University of California, Davis. Leech Hall room 129, 8:00am

The gentle fluttering of vertical venician blinds are the only thing breaking the cold silence of this morning. The blinds bump and shuffle togehter, as if someone was preparing to play a round of pasoy dos. The sun has yet to peek out over the horizon, leaving the room pitch black. The alarm goes off–but the ruffling of blankets and a soft THUD puts an end to that annoyance.

9:30am

The gentle fluttering of the vertical blinds begin to let in the light of the early morning. In the haze his figure stirs, moving about on his lofted bed. The furniture is wooden, matching the countless other dorm rooms strewn around leech hall. The air is stale-recycled air flowing through the dorm’s central cooling system. One would think that opening the window would solve this simple delima. However, the dank air is much better than the putrid smell of bovine which envelops Tercero like a fog.

Like a fog horn the alarm goes off again. He sits up almost immediately and THUD, a little to fast this sleepy morning. He curls up and curses to himself while rubbing the tender spot on his forehead- the same spot hit on the low celing almost every morning. He rolls out of bed and to his feet, slaps the alarm off, the hops back up into his bed and under the covers.

9:59

The gentle fluttering of the vertical blinds begin to annoy him. He looks down at his alarm.

“OH FUCK!”.

He hops out of bed and grabs the first pair of pants within arm’s reach. He tosses on a shirt (over the one hes allready wearing) pulls on a sweater then pauses to find where a clean pair of socks might be hiding. The minifridge opens and closes, filling the room with soft yellow light for only an instant. Backpack in hand he slams the door shut.

10:13

Hes in Japanese class. Why is he here? he loves anime, and he thinks Japanese girls are cute. Who knows, if he learns Japanese he can impress them at the anime showings. Its all he really has at the moment: Anime and this service fraternity hes pledging: Alpha Phi Omega. His brother got him interested in it and it seems cool enough so far. Damn it, Uchida sensei is picking on him again. Just because all he knows how to say is “Wakarimasen” (transulation: I dont know). He thinks he should study more but he really doesnt want to. He’d much rather be sitting back at the dorm mucking around. Mucking is something he has been doing for the last 3 years. An offset of his old BBS (Bulliten Board System) days. Online he found people who were just like him, weird. He felt comfortable telling them all about his troubles. Most of all he felt comfortable because in this world, he could be whomever he wanted- and nobody would know who the real him was. He could escape from his pathetic life. Before he knows it Uchida sensei calls on him again, he blinks out of his daze and answers, “Wakarimasen”

11:00

Amazing how it took him a good ten minutes or so to get to class, and yet it only took him maybe three to get back to the dorm. Following his routine he tosses his backpack under the bed and starts up the computer. The power usage is pretty precarious here- there are extension cords everywhere. After the computer starts up he reaches to the top of his dresser and flips on the tv. He can barely get one channel but he leaves it on anyways- it makes it seem like hes not alone in the room. He takes off his sweater and sits down, the intoxicating glow of his seventeen inch monitor pulls him in. Within minutes hes logged into the campus internet server. Seconds later hes in his second home, his mucks.

By now hes not only just a he, hes a she. He takes on the role of four female characters: each ranging from ages twelve to threehundred and twelve. He is a goddess, a Chinese Amazon, A female human and cat halfbreed, and a young female alien. As for male characters, he plays an ancient kung fu artist, who also happens to be a pervert. He plays a male who turns into a female when splashed with cold water, and he plays an alien who can change his appearance and dissapear into the shadows. He meets up with his friends. Male? Female? He doesnt really know half the time, and they dont really know what he is. Here is is just a person. There is no color, no race, no sex. He is engulfed into it and soon loses track of time.

3:00

He missed his Calculus class again. He doesnt care. Next class comming up is Comparative Literature. The teacher, Mr Sharky, is an asshole so he has to get going yo class. He grabs his backpack and heads back off into the world. He leaves everything on, he’ll be back soon enough.

5:05

Class went by as if it were a dream. He got to the classroom, listened to Sharky ramble then fell asleep. Before he knew it it was five and class was over. He returns to his room and finds his comfortable seat. He looks up at the tv and chuckles a bit at some rerun. He tries to log into the school internet but theres an error. Damn, theres a message on his phone. He picks it up and dials into the message center. Hmm… its someone from Alpha Phi Omega reminding him about a service project he signed up to attend in two days. Cool, if he didnt get the call he would have completely forgotten. He sets the phone down and logs his computer in. He returns to all his virtual worlds, never noticing the light outside begining to fade.

10:00

He looks up at his clock. Hmmm… its ten: The DC is closed. Why did he ever sign up for an unlimited meal plan when he never seems to go to the DC to eat anyways? Luckily for him he has Munch money. Munch Money is cash that is stored on his reg card which allows him to get some food from Trudy’s East. He heads off to the dorm recreation area and into the food store. He orders his usual: Hamburger with everything on it, Large soda, and some chips. He swipes his card and returns to his dorm and his computer.

Midnight

Its midnight, Star Trek DS9 is starting. He pauses a bit from his computer “work” and looks up at the TV. Its a lovely fantasy: a world with no money, purely devoted to exploration and adventure (and hot chicks in tight fitting uniforms). For the next hour he splits his attetion between his mucks and the TV.

2:00

the mucks empty out, most of the people have gone to sleep. He remains until he is almost the last person to leave. Sadly he shuts down his computer and slips out of his clothes. His pajamas are still on (under the layer of clothes he put on in the morning.) He sets the alarms and crawls up into his bed and into sleep.

The day is over.