Looking Back

Ha, i notice that i (like many other bloggers it seems) write a significantly higher amount of “looking back->looking forward” posts as the year is coming to a close. I guess its natural for everyone to take a step back and try to see what shaped them during the last year or so.

Funny tho is that most of my posts are reflection. its like my whole blog is a continuation of this reflection journal i used to have for one of my english classes back in High School. I guess its good to take a gander at the past and see where you’ve come from; but i get frustrated sometimes when i feel i’m lingering too much in the past. I’m all hyped up to jet into the future, and yet i also know i cant go to fast or the world will continue to be a blur.

One of my biggest fears is forgetting. I fear that i’ll be forgotten and i fear that i will forget. Recently while transfering some old home videos to DVD i realized that i could not remember a single moment from those tapes. I watched in awe as i stood in front of a crowd of people and sang, or recited a poem, or just attended a mass. Now you might thing, “oh.. thats ok, you tend to forget things” but these events were all surrounding my grandmother’s funeral. I couldnt even believe that i couldnt remember what year it happened.

James told me it was ok that i forgot it; but to me.. i’m still anxious. What other significant events have i forgotten? what will i forget? So i cling; i try to cling to things i dont want to forget.

haha, its complicated i suppose. trying to hold onto certain things while not lingering to long. Life is such a tightrope walk, just trying to keep your balance and avoiding falling into an abyss.

Hmm, even as i talk about forgetting things, i look back on my life and see that there are a few things that i could never forget, even if i wanted to.