Unwritten

I have a right to my anger, and I don’t want anybody telling me I shouldn’t be, that it’s not nice to be, and that something’s wrong with me because I get angry. Maxine Waters

So here it is, the standard closing to the year is arriving. 3 hours to go and i sit here in the house i grew up in. Some things never change do they? Mantha and i sit around doing “work” waiting around for the aunties and cousins to arrive. We will all be seperated; everyone doing their own little thing till someone starts to yell, “Come on.. its almost here..” We will all run to the TV room, peer at the TV as the time begins to count down. About 30 seconds to midnight we will all scatter; each to their pre assigned rooms. At midnight all the doors and windows will fly open, and hopefully fling from these walls the stale air of the past. We will scream at the top of our lungs out into the night air and all run back together. We will hug; we will kiss.. and for a brief moment we will be a family.

Night will wain on, we will gather around the table and eat, we will talk and slowly go off to bed. In the morning it will all begin again; New Years is more a symbolic thing anyways… a moment when the family pretends all is fine. A split second of forgetfulness. Really the begining of 2005 will be the same. Everything will be remembered, and people will return to the way things were.

I know i will be the same. The addition of 1 to the year doesnt change how people treated me last year. It will not wipe clean the slate that has been tarnished after years of abuse and neglect. I will still love the ones i love, i will still hate the ones i hate; and that split moment in time will be nothing but an act i have put on for many years.

I look forward to the coming year. Another year closer to my ultimate goal; another year passing in which to change and discover. A Year to take changes, a year to stay the same. So much seems to be riding on the coming 365 days.

As for resolutions… i have a few. I promise to forgive those who seek forgiveness and mean it; i promise to change where i need to change; I promise to learn from the mistakes of my past and present; I promise to love where my heart tells me to love.

Happy New Year everyone.

I think i always have to chuckle a littlebit when i read about all the life’s struggles that people are going through. All the discovery, the change, the “rebirths” Its funny because i remember how things were when i went through the same things.

Sure, everyone’s story is different; but the overall plotline remains the same. Life brings us experience and change; and as we experience new things… we find that some of our changes were not necessarily for the best and we wish to change back…

But as the saying goes, “you can never go home again” No matter what we try (and we keep on trying) things will never go back the same as before. We struggle and struggle to return to the security of our past; the comfort of what has been… and yet we forget that during those times we struggled as well… trying to change because we were not really satisfied with it. As Mantha tells me, “we tend to glaze over the troubles of our past and see it as such a perfect world” (ok, those arent her exact words but you get the idea) what is “past” is always seemingly more comforting because we know what happened. It has already happened and we cannot change it; so there is stability in it. We fear what is unknown, and a life of change is full of… unknowns.

Human life will continue to be filled with a return to the past, and a grasp of the future. People will always long for the good ol days, even when those good ol’ days were days they longed for different… good ol’ days. slowly piece by piece, we will discover more about who we are; and will eventually find that today is as good as it gets, and there will always be a tomorrow.

time is here… :)

Christmas is a time of peace and forgiveness and rebirth.. blah blah blah. Unfortunately not enough people take the change to shed off the burdens of their past and keep a tight leash on the anchors that pull them to the bottom of the dark abyss. I find myself hanging off a cliff of change and new life. If i continue to climb, what waits for me at the top may not be what it seems to be, but if i start to climb down i know what waits for me there is a life i do not wish to lead anymore.

so i find myself struggling to climb. I know that i wish to take the chances and find my new life; but so many obsticales keep appearing, some real… some imaginary.

One of my biggest character flaws is the fear of success; when things seem to be going good i find that i need to locate some fault, some detail that i was missing. I’m so afraid that something is waiting in the shadows to pounce that i try to flood everything with deep burning lights. I try to find fault in all that there is, when in reality there is nothing amiss.

Fear still holds me at bay, its strength continues to waine; but i know there is still a fierce battle to come. I pray that the risks i have the chance to take in the coming year will teach me much about myself.

Once again its just about time to go home. Tomorrow is the last day of the season and i get some time off to drive back home and visit the family. I can say thats its totally mixed feeling. I really wanna get out of here; but at the same time i know im not really in much of a christmas Mood.

Sad to say, its all about the cash.. the green. I dont have much.. and this year i have even less of it. I cant afford to get the people i care about the things i wanna get them, and its dissapointing. Really, any other year i’d plunge even more into debt to try to get what i feel my loved ones deserve; but this year i’m too much aware of my own future and futility. I need to take more control; i need to face the beast that i really want to get away from.. Money.

I’ve never really liked “money” its caused so many problems in my family growing up that i never aquired the same taste for it that some other family members have. I cant see myself “hording” cash for a rainy day. I just want to spend whatever i have and share it with those around me. But the carefree days have been gone, and its catching up with me. Haha..

So this year i really have nothing to give. and its sad; because i feel that the ones i love deserve the world on a platter.

Man, What the fuck is wrong with me x.x im awake. Its 4:00 in the morn. I woke up about 2 hours ago. I fell asleep around 10ish? My whole sleeping schedule is all fucked up lately. I sleep the same time most nights and wake up at random times. I wake up at 6, 630, 7, 4.. whatever x.x Ugh.

So as usual, the silence of the dead of night forces me to deal with the deamons in my head. Its lonely here in the dead of night, and i feel the usual longings for more. More that what i have, more than what i am.

Unfortunately it all seems to boil down to the bain of my existance. The thing i hate the most and yet are forced to “love” Money. Cash, moola, scrilla, clams, bones.. money makes the world go round, and I have very little.

I find that when i have money, it flows quickly. I feel like i try to get it out of my hands as fast as it can. I dispise the feeling of hording the money, i dispise the people i see who are so fuckin cheep that they make excuses up in their head so that they can save a buck on “gifts” for people. (come on.. buying shit for people just cuz its cheep? since really.. its the thought that counts; the little thought put into a gift is really reflected..)

For me, some people say im too nice. I spend a lot of money i dont have on friends. I make a lot of “Loans” that never get paid back. Really.. do i regret it? No.. i feel that the fact that some people have never paid back what they promised is more a reflection of themselves than of me.

Hmm.. lost my train of thought.. or maybe its really that simple.

I want to goto MacWorld this year… anyone out there have a free ticket? :-D

I am most definitely out of my element living in California (only in the political aspect mind you).

I still consider myself republican, not because i believe 100% behind the republican ideals, but because my values and governmental ideas are more reflected in the republican stance.

However, living in California is a tough road. Most people believe i’m Democrat, but really none of the democratic candidates nor the democratic agendas seem to reach out to me. Also, the Democratic machine to me is full of holes, full of random miss communication as well as very pushy attitudes (course that could just be my experience).

Democrats seem to be all about negative reinforcement… and i’m very anti negative reinforcement. I’m the kinda guy who only gets more angry with it. The more you tell me i cannot do something, the more likely i will find some way to do it. you tell me not to eat meat and that i’m stupid, i will roast a pig in front of your house and eat it with its blood still dripping off the meat.

I dont know where im going here, but i just sat through a 20 minute spiel from a coworker on the evils of McDonalds, the evils of shopping at any place that gave money to the republican party, the evils of anything that goes against what she stands for. What ever happened to acceptance of all? What kind of bullshit doubletalk is that to push your right to a lifestyle choice, when you bash others for a different lifestyle choice?

So i sit here in silence, letting her get her narrow views out into the open. My views are my own, unlike her i dont need to seek out random statistics, one sided movies, and skewed research to feel good about my views.

Shes free to be who she wishes, and if she wishes to believe that “people like me” need to be saved.. then so be it. Hmm.. Religion, Politics.. is there really a difference?

This definately goes into the What The fuck were you thinking category..

I think the designer of this ride was a little perverse.. Althought i have to admit, Donald seems to be enjoying himself.

Oh yeah! so Happy Birthday to my mom! She stopped counting how old she was a number of years ago, but this Sunday Mantha threw her a surprise party to end all surprise parties (at least for my family.) A year in planning and lots of near broken nerves, She pulled off one kick ass party! haha.

But for me it was a revelation in a different tone. I met up with some aunts and uncles that i havent seen in ages, along with some cousins that had dropped off my radar screen. I was bombarded with many questions like, “Why dont you Call? howcome you dont visit?” While i was a little saddened to know that i contributed to losing some touch; i also realized a very important fact.

I never called nor visited when i lived down there.

So i began to wonder why… why these relatives felt like i’m specifically not calling or visiting them, when even as a teenager living at home i rarely saw them. Did they expect i would change and suddenly start calling home and sending out emails to all my cousins wondering what was going on?

I know i’ve changed a lot in the number of years since i left, but unfortunately staying in contact with the people of my past seems to not have been one of those changes. Not that i dont think of them, but i can either 1) never get up the nerve to call/write or 2) Have no idea what to say to them in the first place.

Really, i’ve never been much of a phone person. I find myself using text messaging more often thatn i use the minutes on my cell phone. My primary means of communication remains AIM. Why? i dont know.. phone phobia? I really dispise having to ask someone to repeat themselves because of poor quality phone line. I also dont seem to like the sound of my voice; so thats a reason too.

But all in all, i’m a computer geek. I type better and faster than i speak. The pathway from my brain to my fingers is more efficent than the pathway from brain to mouth. The pathway from brain to mouth is full of so much doubt and worry and second guessing that it becomes more of a challenge to say anything correctly.

Anyways, i digress.. I dont know really what to do. Calling people out of the blue just to call isnt in my personality. It doesnt mean i dont think of you or care.