Unwritten

Today I look back and i look forward, praying that mistakes of the past dont somehow reappear in differnt form as i stride forward.

Yesterday (0.00273790926 years ago) before falling asleep i smiled, I was happy.

Last week (.0191653649 years ago) i had just returned from snowboarding, my back hurt like a motherfucker.. and i was grumpy, but i was glad i had gone out. The fresh air was good and the mountains were beautiful.

2 weeks ago (.0383307297 years ago) i was in the middle of a warm ocean snorkling. I was watching schools of fish swish by. I was coming to the end of a great vacation i didnt want to end; I was in good company, in a beautiful place.

1 year ago i was afraid. I stepped out of my long time prison into a world that was the same and yet so different. I felt out of place, out of date, and out of touch with reality.

3 years ago I was happy and lost it; i learned that i must cherish the things in my life before it becomes too late. I crushed my own spirit and somehow cracked the hardened metal shell that was my protection, and my prison.

5 Years ago I was miserable, but thought i was fine. little did i know that much was about to crumble. I sat comfortable, neither happy nor sad awaiting what i convinced myself was “fate” and was “destiny” I lived life on pause, waiting for something to push the button.

8 years ago i ran way from my problems. Dealings with home and family and relationships. I tried to be independant in the eyes of myself, but instead locked myself up in a stone cavern. The same cavern i used to hide in when the going got rough; but eventually emerged from. This time i locked the door and tossed the key out into the blackness that was quickly coming to surround me. I smiled to the world and no one was the wiser.

10 years ago I hated my family, but i tolerated them. I hid in my room most of the time, friendships sprung from the purple on black text of my telnet screen. I drew, i wrote, i went to school but didnt learn. I was a Hackor, a Pirate, i was l33t. I reveled in the power i thought i had over the world, and shared my dark dreams and fantasies with anyone who would listen. I was grumpy to the world but smiled on the inside; i didnt want anyone to know i was actually content.

13 years ago I left the sanity of my junior high and seperated from friends whom i knew for 6 years. 6 years seemed like a long time back then.

16 years ago I was ten, barely in school; already playing on the computer. I had a large family that seemed to be such a cohesive unit. I reveled in the fun with my cousins and my brother. We watched movies, we played games, we went to Disneyland. We took trips across the big land called the United States. I had a pool.. what could be better than that? Little did i know what was happening around me. How could i have guessed the things that were set in motion at that time would change my life so far down the line. little did i know how different things would be 16 years later.

Slowly but surely i’m finding ways to shed the skin of the past and emerge as something new. I find so much solice in small symbols of my progress, and in a few days i take yet another step towards my goal.

Something that has been a part of me for many years.. irritating; werid, wrinkly. Its been there for as long as i can remember and even tho i had opportunity to remove it, i never did.. thanks to a certain someone always saying, “Prick… SLICE” *shudder* but i made an appointment with my doctor to have the large mole on my neck removed.

Why? technically it does me no harm; but mentally it still itches… i rub my neck and its there.. occasionally sprouting a hair or two. I’ve wanted it gone for a long time but was always too afraid; but here i go… ready to take another small step towards a better self image.

I guess in some small way i can identify with the people who so desperately want plastic surgery. Even to me this small surgery is technically cosmetic. Mayhaps it symbolizes something deeper within me, maybe it is just the begining of my personal mental issues… but none the less; its something physical i can release.

I guess its hard to explain in words; like its hard to explain how branding my legs with tattoos makes me feel more empowered and more in touch with who i am. I guess everyone of us has an image of who we are and we do what we feel is necessary to bring it out to the surface.

Hmm, my last couple of posts have shown me that i have a lot of bitterness still welling up within me. Some of it stemming from years past, from childhood… from incidents long forgotten but who’s negative energy still remains.

I know i have a lot of things i still need to get over, and i also know that a lifetime of keeping everything inside wont be solved in just a few years.. Hell, it will probably take longer than the amount of time it took to bottle everything up in the first place.

I keep reminding myself, one step at a time… one inch at a time, and before i know it i will be there. In this world of instant gratification; instant food; instant knowledge; instant responses… it still remains that all that is important in life will still take time and patience.

It will be hard, but i can wait.

Today is the first day of the rest of my life…

I guess, even being home for just a few days doesnt let me escape the self centeredness and inconsiderateness of some people. But at least when i am at home i’m not alone in my frustrations.

Once again im awake.. why? not because i was engrosed in TV, not because i was too busy, not even because i wasnt sleepy. But because some people believe they live in a world of themselves and dont consider the consequences of taking a shower and having a conversation in the central room of the house at midnight.

I swear, if i knew then what i know now; life would be very different.

Silence finally greets me tonight so that i may attempt to slumber; But i have to get a few words down here so that they can be remembered.

I remember a very lengthily conversation with Rosina once about saying im sorry. I was very stubborn and refused to say it unless i knew exactly what i was going to be sorry for. it was difficult to convey how i was feeling about it, and in the end we did come up with a decent compromise.

However, my core views on the matter still remain, and tonight im reminded why. I her people say “im sorry” so many times now that the meaning alltogeher is tossed out the window. The words themselves are meaningless to me; just a jumble of sounds uttered from the mouth of people who have no real remorse for the consequences of their actions. They say it as a matter of habit; something they need to say to get out of whatever trouble and avoid any real change or responsibility.

To me the real “sorry” comes with the change, with the change of attitude and behavior that reflects that they really understood what they did wrong. Without that change and the understanding; the words remain just a satirical reminder of their adolescent behavior.

10 Reasons Why God Created Eve

10. God worried that Adam would be lost in the Garden  
of Eden, because he wouldn’t ask for directions.

9.  God knew that, someday, Adam would need
 someone to hand him the TV remote.
 (Parenthetically, it has been noted that men don’t
 want to see what’s ON TV. They want to see WHAT
 ELSE is on TV.)

8. God knew that Adam would never make a doctor’s  
appointment.

7. God knew that, when Adam’s fig leaf wore out, he
would never buy a new one for himself.

6. God knew that Adam would not remember to take
out the garbage.

5. God wanted man to be fruitful and multiply. But, He
knew Adam would never be able to handle labor
pains and childbirth.

4. As “keeper of the garden,” Adam would need help in
finding his tools.

3. Adam needed someone to blame for the Apple  
Incident and for anything else that was really his  
fault.

2. As the Bible says, “It is not good for man to be
alone.”

1. And the No. 1 reason of all .

 (Tada … drum roll … fanfare , etc.)

God stepped back, looked at Adam, and declared …

“I can do better than that.”

Sometimes you just have to laugh. Its just not worth it in my life to be so upset over these things that keep happening. I mean really, what can i do if someone just seems to leech off my energy, off my activity; off my life? What does it prove to me other than they are just a pale imitation of something that is genuiniuely unique. I know not everything thing in my life is original; but man; at least i try to put my own spin on how i perceive life.

Its just sad really, to think that i pondered cutting back posting because i didnt want to see my words rehashed. Its sad really… sadder that all that i thought i knew is confirmed day in and day out; and that the small glimmer of hope continues to die. Over ten years… ten years ive waited for something to prove me wrong.

Truth just sucks sometimes… I think its time to just bury some of those hopes, paste that smile back on my face and reserve the truth and respect for those who deserve it.