Unwritten

Happy Birthday To Mantha! Yay! WE had a blast celebrating on saturday (yeah, a day early) but it was all good.

Well the weekend really began on friday when Mantha got back to davis. Soon after i arrived home we headed out to our old hang out.. Ludy’s!. It was a blast, and i was so stuffed. When that was over we got back home and hung out, watching random movies. Rosina came over for a bit to visit… and next thing we knew it was 4 in the morning! I felt the pang of sleepyness wearing over me, so i hit the sack.

The next day Mantha took ed for a little tour of davis (ok, they went to eat) and i slept in a lot. After a while i got my ass out of bed and got up. After a quick breakfast/lunch (my ludy’s leftovers) I got myself ready for the night’s festivities. Soon people began to arrive, and before i knew it i piled Sam and Ed, James and dave, along with Antonio and Jenn into the van, and we were off; heading out towards San Francisco!

Ah! we battled much traffic, and talked much smack; but we eventually got over to Pier 39 and Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. so wonderfully themed after the Bubba Gump company in Forrest Gump! There we met up with Rosina, Anna, Lily, Clarissa, Gordon, Milly and Jason. Unfortunately, with such a large group we had to wait another hour for out table; but it was nice to just hang out and catch up with some of the people! :) Yay!

Dinner was yummy, I had some steak and shrimp.. and looking around the table; there was lots of shrimp! Unfortunately we had to split into 2 seperate tables, luckily i got to sit with Mantha! heehee. a little after we sat down, Denise was able to show up; and soon our two tables were a roar of laughter and random chatter.

But like all good things, it had to come to an end sometime; and we were forced from the resturant. So we all gathered out on the street in front of the pier and found a seal statue to take a group photo in front of. A nice couple who were “professional photographers” took the photo for us!

Soon, a few members short, the group took a walk down the road to Ghirridelli. It was a nice night for a stroll, and it was sprinkling just a touch. I liked the walk; it was the most exercise i got in a long time. When we got there, the group shared an earthquake! a humngo sized ice-cream sundae :)

All in all it was a great night :) i had a blast.

So i finally got the guts up to go and see the doctor again. Its been over a year since my last failed attempts to find some reason/cure for my coughing. however, encouraged by my therapist i made an appointment to get another check.

I was definately more.. forceful this time; and it helped that the doctor had a good bedside manner. We chatted a bit and he ordered some tests. I had a chest X-ray and a CT scan is scheduled for later. He also got me on some drugs. A Nasal inhailer as well as a normal inhailer. Both Steroids ment to stop my throat and sinuses from inflaming. We shall see how it progresses. I’m supposed to see him in 4-6 weeks to check on my progress. I hope this works out this time!

The Sun was blood red today, it basked the ground with an eerie orangy/red light. The atmosphere around town was quiet and reflective.

“In the film, Angels in America, the character named Belize describes his vision of heaven. It’s not a spotlessly clean gated community where everyone wears white gowns and nothing ever changes. Rather, it’s a ‘big city, overgrown with weeds, but flowering weeds. On every corner a wrecking crew, and something new and crooked going up catty-cornered to that. Gusts of gritty wind, and a gray, high sky alive with ravens. Piles of trash, but lapidary like rubies and obsidian. Diamond-colored streamers. Voting booths. Dance palaces full of music and lights and racial impurity and gender confusion. All the deities are creole, mulatto, brown as the mouths of rivers.’ While that’s not necessarily how I envision my ideal home, I love its implication that we should imagine paradise to be mysterious, intriguing, and in flux. Let Belize inspire you to be soulful and poetic, Leo, as you update your own vision of perfection-your conception of the good life.”

The good life; What really is perfection? For the most part i have scoffed at the traditional idea of perfection. I remember my aunt’s house always looking so ‘perfect” that we could never really play inside of it. We would have to hide out in the other rooms, away from the seeing eyes of guests. Her house felt like a museum, and i was always afraid of ruining the careful placement of any object.

i liked my hosue much better, and i find so much more beauty in the lack of perfection. Each person’s oddities, each person’s unique personality traits; there is where the beauty lies. The mysteriousness of their eyes, the funny way they laugh; even the way they throw a temper tantrum or the way they cry; there is so much more beauty in appreciating all these little “flaws”

Damn, but no matter how much i can say these words and believe them; its still a hard road to stick to. So much influence on me has pushed me to find “perfection” so many things have illustrated that i’m just not good enough, im not strong enough, im just not smart enough. I find myself seeking the perfection of life, not because i want it; but because i dont want to dissapoint those around me.. and to just shut them the fuck up. Sometimes i seek the perfection of someone else’s vision just to spite them, to show them that *I* could do it while they could not… Not exactly the best of reasons is it?

Life continues to be a struggle; to life the life that i believe in my heart but dont practice in my head.

Im such a hypocrite sometimes…

As you can see, i have updated my layout.. after two days of work its up. Ive been playing too many Star Wars games lately; haha :)

But i couldnt resist, this blog has returned to its dark roots, and thats probably where it will stay. Who can resist the temptation of the dark side? The eternal struggle between light and dark; it happens every day!

Honestly tho, this blog has shown a side of me that gets out mostly only in the 1s and 0s that make up this page. Random thoughts and desires that never come to pass in “reality”

So thats that; i hope you enjoy this new chapter in the book of Will.

Its lovely over at the Med school. Its the kinda atmosphere i want; and strangely i have it here on campus. But its not as.. secluded? The Med school office has little students; the ones who are there are casually talking with one another, sitting under trees and at benches.

Its very peaceful. While i have that here the streets are chock full of busy quick students, running back and forth while spewing their political and personal agendas. Bleh; It was nice out there..

And at the same time it was sad. unfortunately for me i choose the Med school to play out some drama in life that make me sad. It was the local we ended up at when my ex and I broke up. it wasnt pretty; and i stupidly listened to logic instead of my heart. Alas; i know logically i should be all over and done with that now; but the ripples from those mistakes continue to flow through me; even tho i have learned much and changed much because of them.

I took a moment to myself and retraced some steps. New construction changed the look of some of it; but i could see the events of that night unfolding before my eyes as if it had happened last night.

the parking lot, running around the buildings; chasing after her… looking for her. It still stings. Maybe not as much as before; but the pain is not something i will forget.

I really cant wait to get out of this place. The memories attached to this whole town are both sweet and bitter. I want to leave holding onto my happy memories; while leaving the bitterness and sadness buried in the ground of the place i’ve called home for many years now.

This area has been kinda blah lately; so i’ll spice it up with something else..

So today i spent the morning out at the UCD Medical School. Part of my job is to maintian our sattelight office down there. So i was installing some software; getting a headache from the squeeky door to a classroom next door; so i decided to take a walk.

somehow i found myself walking into the Vet Med area of the school and something struck me as odd. There was a scent; very familuar to me… but i couldnt place it right away. As I got deeper into the building the scent grew stronger and stronger. Suddenly it hit me! and I couldnt help but laugh.

The scent? Fried Chicken.

On my way out i found the discarded Buckets of KFC Fried chicken.

You’re a “Red Angel” and just because
it’s red doesn’t mean blood or anger.
Actually, it stands for an angel in love.
You’re obsessed with one person and can’t get
your mind off them and it’s eating you away a
little. You’d do anything for them and wait
patiently for the day they return the feelings.
You’re a hopeless romantic and little things
like roses and hugs charm you. You’re very
affectionate but you’re shy. You’re afraid of
getting rejected. Think if it this way, the
brave may not live forever but the catious
never live at all. Don’t be afraid to show your
feelings. (If you can’t see tje pics, go to my
homepage and look near the bottom and find your
result)

What Color Angel are You? (PICTURES)
brought to you by Quizilla

Subconsciously, i had a lot to write here; but i just forgot what it was. There are times i wish i could take something that would just stop me from thinking for a moment and give me some peace… well in reality there are DRUGS i could take; but thats not an aspect of life that i wish to delve into. So for now i will continue to drown in the sea of my own thoughts.

Ive said it once, and i feel i cannot say it enough; I think way to much. No wonder i’m so thin, all my energy goes into my brain and the flood of thoughts that race through my mind. From what i’m doing now, to what i did 10 years ago; my brain seems to be constantly on overdrive. Its hard to focus, to narrow down my thoughs to a single subject.. to a single task.

When did it all start? I dont really know… maybe its a product of my upbringing. my multitasking and constant feeling of running out of time. I did things as quick as possible, then switch to something else… I can hardly be doing one single thing at a time.

Honestly, there have been periods in my life where i seemed to be at peace; or at least MORE at peace than what would be considerd normal…

Those moments were probably the happiest in my life; and i struggle to maintain the happiness associated with them. thoughts of loss and sadness try to taint these happy memories; and i must consciously fight my unconscious habbits of anger and bitterness.

What makese these thoughts so special? Whats so special about visting “The Tech” or taking a train ride in Old Towne Sac? Nothing other than the feeling that i want to keep these memories. Maybe the tasks themselves dont seem to amount to much, but they mark huge milestones in my life. A stone that pierced the somewhat calm surface of my life and rippled through my past, present and future.

Makes me think once again of a quote from… yes.. Xena.

Xena: “Ready to go?”

Gabrielle: “For your first stab at wisdom, you did all right.”

Haha, obscure quotes from somewhat obscure tv shows always seem to stick with me. You never know where you will find words of wisdom will you?

Well, playing off this whole lake theme, i see that there are many people who notice the calmess and the ripples in my life. Many people seen across the lake, watching the reflection of the lights and darkness on my life. They skim the surface, see the rising and the falling of the water and generally have a good idea of who I am.

But the ones who really know me, take the added effort to look down. They can see all the stones that have been cast into the lake. They can see the things that have had their influence on me, they see the rugged and random shape of the lake bottom, and find the deep crevaces as well as the shallow beds that form who i am.

The more adventurious ones take a swim, and find that there is a whole different world under the surface.

My shattered dreams and broken heart
Are mending on the shelf
I saw you holding hands, standing close to someone else
Now I sit all alone wishing all my feeling was gone
I gave my best to you, nothing for me to do
But have one last cry

Chorus:
One last cry, before I leave it all behind
I’ve gotta put you outta my mind this time
Stop living a lie
I guess I’m down to my last cry

Cry……

I was here, you were there
Guess we never could agree
While the sun shines on you
I need some love to rain on me
Still I sit all alone, wishing all my feeling was gone
Gotta get over you, nothing for me to do
But have one last cry

Chorus:
One last cry, before I leave it all behind
I’ve gotta put you outta my mind this time
Stop living a lie
I know I gotta be strong
Cause round me life goes on and on and on
And on…..

I’m gonna dry my eyes
Right after I had my
One last cry

Chorus:
One last cry, before I leave it all behind
I’ve gotta put you outta my mind for the very last time
Been living a lie
I guess I’m down
I guess I’m down
I guess I’m down…
To my last cry…