Self Reminders…
Haha.. trying to name this post seems to have been a difficult task… How does one aply name a post about masochism? Oh.. that got your attetion didnt it.
Considering the simple definitions of sadism and masochism.. i find that i have been a masochist most of my life. For a long time i subjected myself to sheer amounts of physical pain and torture for the simple reason that it was the only way i could feel… anything. I had locked my emotions away in a tight vault which could only be cracked by a sheer volume of force. I played sports till i was so exausted i could throw up. i would pick fights with my siblings, i would pick at scabs and do anything dangerous that had a high probability of me getting injured (injured not killed mind you…) I tempted fate; calling myself an extreemist.. when in reality i was doing anything i could to “feel” seeing that my normal “reality” was locked away.
As i found my way out of the vault, some of my old habits remained; but they serve a different purpose now. I still seek out some dangerous situations; but i now dont wait for the pain, as i can also feel the thrill and excitement of the activity itself. However, one aspect has changed quite a bit. I now tend to torture myself every once in a while by seeking out some emotional pain; usually simple reminders of mistakes ive made and things that have passed me by. A little nudge now and then to help me keep my eyes open, and my head clear; so that i do my best not to repeat mistakes of the past.