Subconsciously…

Posted by Grey on October 6th, 2004 filed in Chapters

Subconsciously, i had a lot to write here; but i just forgot what it was. There are times i wish i could take something that would just stop me from thinking for a moment and give me some peace… well in reality there are DRUGS i could take; but thats not an aspect of life that i wish to delve into. So for now i will continue to drown in the sea of my own thoughts.

Ive said it once, and i feel i cannot say it enough; I think way to much. No wonder i’m so thin, all my energy goes into my brain and the flood of thoughts that race through my mind. From what i’m doing now, to what i did 10 years ago; my brain seems to be constantly on overdrive. Its hard to focus, to narrow down my thoughs to a single subject.. to a single task.

When did it all start? I dont really know… maybe its a product of my upbringing. my multitasking and constant feeling of running out of time. I did things as quick as possible, then switch to something else… I can hardly be doing one single thing at a time.

Honestly, there have been periods in my life where i seemed to be at peace; or at least MORE at peace than what would be considerd normal…

Those moments were probably the happiest in my life; and i struggle to maintain the happiness associated with them. thoughts of loss and sadness try to taint these happy memories; and i must consciously fight my unconscious habbits of anger and bitterness.

What makese these thoughts so special? Whats so special about visting “The Tech” or taking a train ride in Old Towne Sac? Nothing other than the feeling that i want to keep these memories. Maybe the tasks themselves dont seem to amount to much, but they mark huge milestones in my life. A stone that pierced the somewhat calm surface of my life and rippled through my past, present and future.

Makes me think once again of a quote from… yes.. Xena.

Xena: “Ready to go?”

Gabrielle: “Xena, I could have killed someone. I mean, I was capable of it.”

Xena: “We’re all capable of it. The point is, you didn’t cross that line.”

Gabrielle: “But I got close enough to peek over, and what I saw scared me.”

Xena: “See how calm the surface of the water is? That was me once. And then…” [tosses a stone in the lake] “…the water ripples and churns. That’s what I became.”

Gabrielle: “But if we sit here long enough, it will go back to being still again. You can go back to being calm.”

Xena: “But the stone’s still under there. It may look as it did before, but it’s forever changed…”

Gabrielle: “For your first stab at wisdom, you did all right.”

Haha, obscure quotes from somewhat obscure tv shows always seem to stick with me. You never know where you will find words of wisdom will you?

Well, playing off this whole lake theme, i see that there are many people who notice the calmess and the ripples in my life. Many people seen across the lake, watching the reflection of the lights and darkness on my life. They skim the surface, see the rising and the falling of the water and generally have a good idea of who I am.

But the ones who really know me, take the added effort to look down. They can see all the stones that have been cast into the lake. They can see the things that have had their influence on me, they see the rugged and random shape of the lake bottom, and find the deep crevaces as well as the shallow beds that form who i am.

The more adventurious ones take a swim, and find that there is a whole different world under the surface.