Unwritten

I’ve gone in here multiple times to post about NaNoWriMo and found myself reflecting on other things. I suppose all this thinking about my book keeps me in a thoughtful mood.

Well, its only a couple more days till the offical start of National Novel Writing Month, and i’ve created a seperate blog entirely dedicated to the novel, the writing process, and to keeping track of how far i’ve gone (or not gone, as the case may be). The blog can be accessed Here or by clicking on the NaNoWriMo icon closer to the bottom of the page. I’m also going to toss a link on my blog posts for the next month for easy reference! it will look like this:

Haha.. trying to name this post seems to have been a difficult task… How does one aply name a post about masochism? Oh.. that got your attetion didnt it.

Considering the simple definitions of sadism and masochism.. i find that i have been a masochist most of my life. For a long time i subjected myself to sheer amounts of physical pain and torture for the simple reason that it was the only way i could feel… anything. I had locked my emotions away in a tight vault which could only be cracked by a sheer volume of force. I played sports till i was so exausted i could throw up. i would pick fights with my siblings, i would pick at scabs and do anything dangerous that had a high probability of me getting injured (injured not killed mind you…) I tempted fate; calling myself an extreemist.. when in reality i was doing anything i could to “feel” seeing that my normal “reality” was locked away.

As i found my way out of the vault, some of my old habits remained; but they serve a different purpose now. I still seek out some dangerous situations; but i now dont wait for the pain, as i can also feel the thrill and excitement of the activity itself. However, one aspect has changed quite a bit. I now tend to torture myself every once in a while by seeking out some emotional pain; usually simple reminders of mistakes ive made and things that have passed me by. A little nudge now and then to help me keep my eyes open, and my head clear; so that i do my best not to repeat mistakes of the past.

One of the hardest lessons that life (and therapy) has taught me is to keep to myself. Well not in a complete hermit atmosphere; but in the sense that i cannot force my company or my help on others. Oftentimes pushing advice or continually seeking to “help” someone can lead to worse situations.. For one thing; your help will somewhere along the line become the expected; and you end up being taken advantage of. you also make someone reliant on you, when in fact they need to learn to help themselves and ask for help when they really need it. Right now im at a point where there are people whom i care about, that i wish i could help; but i dont feel right doing it without them asking. I get sick of hearing my own voice constantly saying, “is there anything i can do?” wishing they could answer me. Maybe they just dont know what i can do…

Bleh, that explination seems so bad; maybe thats why its still a difficult area of change im working on. There can be so many exceptions and varying cases that it really deals with a case by case basis. When should i help? when should i intervene? Which brings me to another topic that has been settling in my mind.

Life can really be broken down into two intertwined things. all things in life are based on timing and location. Good things happen if you are in the right place at the right time, and bad things happen when you are in the wrong place, at the wrong time. Life experience is all a school teaching you when to recognize the right places and when to get there. Life teaches you when to speak up and when to be quiet, life tells you when to speak your mind or let go and go with the group. What in life isnt based on those two things? Everything from finding love, to getting the right job, getting discovered, saving a life.. everything is based on timing and location…

Sadly i seem to be lacking drastically in the timing department. I continue to struggle in knowing when the right time to act or the right time to speak is. I find i can either rush something, or i can slack so much that i miss the exact pivital moment which changes everything. this only leads to a viscious cycle of buildup.. buildup.. buildup… then reflection as i missed it.

I hope my timing is improving tho; i mean with all the misses and near misses ive had i just have to had learned a thing or two.

Life continues to roll on as if its some chick-flick action drama.

Destiny has decided to give me a taste of life, as it could have been had i made different decisions. Like some scene from The Family Man or maybe even from Its a wonderful life i found myself in the midst of friends which seemd long gone. As i spent the evening among these friends who were almost strangers; i wondered… how did it end up this way?

I remember a time once gone where i would be sitting at Quail house; i remember the squeals of laughter and smack talking while we watched movies, played majong, or just hung out in general. I remember the parties, the movie nights; the trips to wherever. i remember the service projects, the fellowships.

When did it all change? where did it begin… or end?

Then i remembered… the lies, and her. I remember as i slowly became more secluded and more of a homebody as i tried to keep my “secret”. I remember not wanting to face them, so that i didnt have to hear the questions that were so obvious. I hated having to say, “we’re just friends” over and over and over; knowing in my head that it was not the truth at all.

I remember the fear i had that we would run into people whenever we went out, i remember avoiding more and more events so that i didnt have to explain, or try to hide how i felt. I remember as the masks i wore changed from something i wore on occasion to something i couldnt face the day without.

I remember the shame i felt at facing these people whom i considered my friends; and whom i was hiding myself from.

And as time progressed, people drift away; somewhat “happily” for me as i didnt have to face them anymore, i didnt have to worry about the questions, the knowing looks, the smirks. The only one left that i had to keep pretending to was myself, and i seemed to be pretty convincing. But then, when the secrets; the truth was finally revealed… and the convincing storyline’s plot finally collapsed; I found myself all alone.

And now destiny determines that i should face the future that could have been. To see the consequences of my fateful decisions. To face my “crimes” eye to eye and see… that it didnt matter in the first place. The guilt and shame was brewed at home, within my own heart and mind. I took myself away because of the shame for myself, and the guilt i imposed on myself.

And so now i ponder; how much like the movies is this… i can see all that i have already missed. I see the mistakes ive made, and read the postcards from the journeys i choose not to be a part of. But what now? Is destiny holding this ring out before my eyes and keeping it beyond my reach? or Is she lifting me up so that i can grab it and return to where i belong?

no, not the group lead by the hot Beyonce but the reality of it all. Destiny likes to do its best and put me in my place, and maybe point me in the right direction. Its funny how she likes to twist things around and how a single moment in life can change so much of the future. The last few days have been no different, many things just turning topsy turvey;

the best laid plans are made to be broken…

I hope that all this new change will help push me towards a more solid future; i’m tired of feeling like my houses are built on quicksand.

I have once again decided to attept to participate in NaNoWriMo, National Novel Writing Month. Last years attempt was pittiful, i believe i accomplished writing three or four paragraphs of crap. Haha; i dont even think i kept it. This year, however, i feel more inspired to write. I havent fully decided on what to write about; but i’m going to start some character sketches and basic plot outlines. I have a good week or so of prep time open here.

Reading up on other people’s websites have shown that many write stories that stretch their real lives, They take certain events and exagerate, or twist them into something rooted in relatiy, but living in fiction. I used to write like that, then for a while i tried writing things so extraordinary; that i couldnt even belive it…haha; So for this attempt i’m going to try to go back to my roots.

Ive been pondering if I should write my novel in one of my journals, or if i should keep it offline. Im still considering; It would be easier online for me so that i can write it wherever i feel the inspiration… but offline i would have less distractions.. Hahaha.

Which File Extension are You?

Its amazing.. how many times i say “Its amazing..” but i guess i’m just learning to be amazed by the world around me; and i’m noticing just how unique everyones life experience really is.

For this ‘Its amazing’ post i touch on the subject of fear. For as long as i’ve had this journal i’ve touched on how much fear controls and continues to control some of my actions. Thankfully the hold this tricky mistress has on me is not as strong as it once was, and this transition for me gives me a different perspective on how i see other people. I’m awed by how much fear there is in the world, and how much people cower to its bluff.

Bluff.. how can fear be a bluff you say? well i guess my current viewpoint on the world situation can be illustrated in a series of shows done by penn and teller, “Bullshit” here is the topic of one of the episodes

”
Hucksters are tapping into our hysteria over our personal safety to make big bucks. We’re being told that, in order to keep us safe, we need everything from anti-terrorism gas masks to paper toilet seat covers. Crime rates are going down, not up. You’re four times more likely to get struck by lightning than to be violently killed at school. And, once and for all, cell phones don’t give you cancer!”

We are letting fear take over much more than our lives, its taking away our freedom. Not to say that there arent things out there to be afraid of; but thats just a part of life. You really could die any minute and you should take precautions; but there is a limit to the extent you need to go to protect yourself and your children. I see so many young adults who have grown up with the generation of overprotective, overzelious, and overly anxious parents. honestly, its a sad sad state. They get to college unprepared for what the world really is, and their viewpoints on the world are so skewed that they sometimes just cease to function. Many of them, because of the sheltered life they lead, rebell completely and toss caution to the wind; What happened to balance in parenting? what happened to letting a child learn the consequences of their actions, what happened to learning to fend for themselves, to gain a sense of real danger versus an overall fear of all that is around them.

People seem so bent on protecting themselves from “The man” from ‘Terrorists” from “Gangs” and just about everyone else who populates the world. They spend all their time trying to learn to prevent anything and everything from happening that they forget the one thing that will help them the most; what to do when the shit DOES hit the fan; cuz no matter how much prep you do, or how much you lock yourself away.. bad things will happen. Those are the moments that make great men and women, those are the moments when people should shine the most; Instead, i’m afraid that these will be the moments when these up and coming generations will; cower in the shadows..

Here are links to some photo’s of Mantha’s Bday Adventures.

Will’s Ofoto page

James’ Ofoto page

Ive been more than my fair share of moody this past week. And by moody i mean very girly and giggly. I’ve long held the belief that somewhere within me lies the soul of a very young and jealous 12 year old little girl. (typically gone by the name of skuld, just because the anime personality seemed to match it so well).

I blame her for my fits of moodiness and girlishness. Not to say that i dont have many natural estrogen based tendencies. But there are time, like right now where i feel especially vulnerable to just about anything. Its like certain times i just need to let down all the defenses, give the guards a coffee break, and allow all the shield and weapon batteries to recharge.

And its these times, when i see the world with a different set of eyes; that seem to make or break who i am. The next long stretch of time is all dependent on what happens during this time of peace. All dependent on what supplies i store away, who i find to replace lost forces, and what weapon and shield upgrades im able to find. These small things will define how i see the world till all my resources are drained once again.

So here i am again, looking through the eyes of my inner child; the demigoddess Skuld; Jealous, aggressive, thoughtful, angry, loving, scared, and alone.