Its time…

Posted by Grey on August 7th, 2004 filed in Chapters

Speaking with Rosina on a ride home, she brought up something. She spoke about my birthday, and how much i should talk about it. In particular she said, “You really hate it..” and honestly its true. At the moment, when i thought of my birthday; i normally feel the pains in my stomach, and remember all the pain that my birhtday has caused me. I really did hate it. But why?

There are so many reasons.. So many years past.. what comes to mind?

Begining, there are very few “birthdays” that i remember as feeling good. My best day has to have been the one year i was actually in a relationship with someone during my birthday. which of course leaves many many times where my birthday wasnt so good.

My childhood is filled with so many memories of the summer. In particular i note how The begining of August seems to typically be prime vacation time. I remember so many times where the majority of my family and friends were absent when my birthday came around. I remember getting phonecalls and cards from people, maybe a month after the fact.. lots of promises for outings and presents that were never fufilled.

Basically i felt neglected. Every year i had high hopes, and they were usually dashed. All i had to look forward to was a dinner with the immediate family, but that didnt always happen either. Business trips frequently took my father away.. It hurt, it hurt a lot to feel so dissapointed year after year. I still remember many years where my birthday was spent cleaning the house, or working in the yard. Where was the celebration? what was there for me to celebrate? Somewhere along the line i became jadded.. and upset. Can you really blame me?

That feeling just kind of stuck. nothing really changed when i hit college. I’d go home only to be left to my own devices for most of August. My mom and/or dad would be off during the day. everyone had something to do or someone to visit. i still had my family dinners, but with things between me and Ray prettymuch severed, my dinners were together time spent in silence. So I left that, and decided to spend my summers in Davis.

At least being alone i had nobody to dissapoint me, and thats how things just stayed. I got used to the idea of hating my birthday, and never bothered to ponder over it anymore.

But..

But why?

With only an hour left before my birthday, Rosina’s voice rings in my head, “You really hate it..” and i cant really find reasons to hate it anymore. I’ve been thinking about it since she said it, and really; the reasons that were there are all in the past. All the things my aunts did, my cousins.. all the dissapointment. There is no reason to hang onto it anylonger. Fuckit, i’m turing twenty six… its my fuckin birthday damn it.

So many things in my life are just, there. The reasons behind why i am the way i am, and why i think certain ways.. they are all in the past. And one again all it took was a simple statement from someone I care about, to open my eyes.

So thanks again Rosina :)

Fuck yeah, its my birthday…. now what am i goign to do to celebrate?

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!!!!