The eternal question is why. Really, the meaning of life is to ask why. Why do birds sing, why did we do that stupid thing, why did we eat that, why did so many people have to die…..

So today, after seeing her there, sitting as cute and beautiful as ever.. we had a friendly yet brief conversation; I wandered off, her voice ringing in my ears while her smile became a faded image imprinted behind my eyelids…

And so, after another brief encounter, i once again wonder why.. why i broke up with her. Yeah, the most “obvious” reason remains how much my former best friend hoodwinked me and twisted my mind into such a state that she could convince me that it was for the “best”. And maybe it was really, the shock of the loss of the love of my life certainly slammed me headfirst into the concrete floor of reality. I mean, had we stayed together it would have been a constant battle between best friend and lover; could i have survived being torn in 2 places? obviously i couldnt..

so why didnt i choose to break it off with my best friend and choose her? I know that was out of fear, fear of a loss of a “friendship” that had lasted me 5 years; a record for one who had nobody but his dysfunctional family to turn to. My best friend was a foundation, something i felt that i needed in order to maintain my sense of self and my sanity. “Where could i go without a foundation…” Sadly, all to late i realized that my foundation was built upon my own deeds and my own changes.. But would I have realized that if things hadnt changed? could i have discovered it in some other way?
So why did i choose this path… more fear. I feared hurting either of them, but i feared hurting her the most. I could not stand the tears in her eyes, or the sound of her voice when i disappointed her again. I had not felt such pain in a long time… I had not had any reason to cry before her… or since.

We cried so much, and i was afraid. To me it felt that all i did was cause pain in her life, and i focused on that. No wonder i took the “easy” route out of there. I could take the pain of feeling my heart being ripped from my heaving chest. I could take the loss, the depression and the emptiness i now feel with her gone… I didnt feel i could be what she needed me to be; i didnt think i was strong enough to fight off the deamons on my back while battling the deamon who was right in front of my face, disguised as a friend.

I could take any amount of pain and suffering, as long as she didnt have to suffer anymore.

And so i did it, I felt my head ache and my heart fighting to change my mind and yet i still did it. I felt as if i was outside my body, hanging over the both of us as we talked. I still can remember it, and my perspective remains as someone flying above the scene. I remember driving.. i remember watching her running and me chasing her, i remember the emptiness inside me.. the coldness that followed..

And that was it.. I was alone again and the concrete of reality crushed my skull and my spirit till i was forced to be reborn. And from the flames of my heartache i burned those that have long tried to keep me down. now my fire still burns, The passion re-ignited… the yearning returning..

and i wonder why… why this didnt happen sooner..
why? why didnt i know before i had met her..
and why.. why cant we be together again.

eXpressive: 4/10
Practical: 5/10
Physical: 5/10
Giver: 4/10

You are a RPYT–Reserved Practical Physical Taker. This makes you a Stoic.

You are intelligent, rugged, disciplined and profound. Even if you’re saddled with a desk job, you are starving for the outdoors. You are very slow to warm up to people, and people are slow to warm up to you, but once they know you they never forget you.

You do not get much attention from your target sex, and this means you can feel unloved or unwanted. This is not the case! You are just a hard nut to crack, and your social anxiety leaves you overlooked or outside the frame altogether. What is good for you is increments of low-interaction group activity, like sports or outdoor work. The person who can chop wood with you will melt your heart.

In a long term relationship, you are loving and devoted. You are calm in a conflict until your partner presses your buttons — it’s never the problem at hand that gets under your skin, but how your partner handles it. Don’t take offense! Sometimes it’s just the only way your partner knows how to express things.

You would never cheat, and your approach to sex is conventional and almost prudish. But sex for you is a release and a necessity of life, and you have a sense of entitlement about it that can be trouble. Make sure your partner is comfortable and satisfied — by communicating both in and out of the bedroom — and you will be more satisfied yourself.

You may take a lot of what your partner does for granted. Make a special effort to reward and validate him/her, and you will be repaid in spades.

You have nice legs.

Of the 33083 people who have taken this quiz, 4.1 % are this type.

Take the quiz here

eXpressive: 4/10

Practical: 5/10

Physical: 5/10

Giver: 4/10

You are a RPYT–Reserved Practical Physical Taker. This makes you a Stoic.

You are intelligent, rugged, disciplined and profound. Even if you’re saddled with a desk job, you are starving for the outdoors. You are very slow to warm up to people, and people are slow to warm up to you, but once they know you they never forget you.

You do not get much attention from your target sex, and this means you can feel unloved or unwanted. This is not the case! You are just a hard nut to crack, and your social anxiety leaves you overlooked or outside the frame altogether. What is good for you is increments of low-interaction group activity, like sports or outdoor work. The person who can chop wood with you will melt your heart.

In a long term relationship, you are loving and devoted. You are calm in a conflict until your partner presses your buttons — it’s never the problem at hand that gets under your skin, but how your partner handles it. Don’t take offense! Sometimes it’s just the only way your partner knows how to express things.

You would never cheat, and your approach to sex is conventional and almost prudish. But sex for you is a release and a necessity of life, and you have a sense of entitlement about it that can be trouble. Make sure your partner is comfortable and satisfied — by communicating both in and out of the bedroom — and you will be more satisfied yourself.

You may take a lot of what your partner does for granted. Make a special effort to reward and validate him/her, and you will be repaid in spades.

You have nice legs.

Take the quiz Here

Sometimes i sit and read sites online. journals, blogs, essays.. whatever; and i begin to feel how much i have changed. My patience for some things wears thin, and i just cant seem to get into the “adolescent mind” or just whatever.

I read about the problems some people are having, and wonder how they can put so much emphasis on such little things. I mean, in the grand scheme of things all this energy they are using is wasted. Its hard to imagine a time when i was the same.. when i put so much energy into vengance, so much energy into grades and keeping some image…

Its hard to imagine, but at the same time… i know that i was once like that. I remember a time when i thought up the most elaborate revenge schemes. I remember being so angry at the world, for no reason than just to be angry. Lost.. confused… hopeless. Not that i am not those things now; but my focus has changed over the years, and the grand scheme of things, have left some of the trivial problems behind.

I never knew how big my pocket was, till i stuffed a fullsized keyboard into it.

Its been one busy weekend for me. I took friday and Monday off and spent most of it either driving or Sleeping. Friday was spent driving down with a friend to LA to see a play, “Messiah Complex”. The long 6+ hour drive was interesting, especially since i havent seen the 5 in the daylight in a long time. Showing it to someone who has never driven down before was fun, especially when she kept being awed by the amount of cows and flat land.

Anyways, we arrived in La just in time for the play, which started at 9. We met up with Mantha and my father and sat in a tiny theatre with 4 other people. The play itself was funny and interesting; It did present some interesting things to think about, but nothing that hasnt flowed through my mind at some point already. All in all it was a good way to spend the evening. Afterwards the 4 of us drove closer to home and to Carrows where we grabbed a bite to eat.

Unexpectedely, this conversation held at a small carrows in Cerritos caught me by surprise. The topic, for the most part, focused on a subject Mantha can never seem to get enough about. our “beloved” brother. It was enlightening to hear other opinions on the subject, and of course to hear some updates on things that being 400+ miles away leaves me out of. All in all, my general opinion didnt change much; but it was the begining of a very thoughtprovoking weekend.

Afterwards we trotted off to Edwards Cinema to meet with Mila and chill and hang out a littlebit. It was fun while we wittled away the time, catching up a bit and just having a laugh or two. It all had to come to an end however, as closing time finally came and we headed back home. It seems however, that everyone believed the night was still young as i spent a few hours sitting with my mom, then sitting in the bonus room watching some anime and reading with Mantha, Mila, and my friend.

After a restful sleep which ran into the early afternoon, Mantha, my friend, and I headed out to run some errands. First we hit up a 1st birthday party for one of Mantha’s old schoolmates daughters. It was cute :) and the party reminded of my family gatherings of the past.. one of the many things i miss of my childhood. After being prodded into starting the food line, the three of us had a nice light snack before we rushed back home to pick up dad and take a trip down to Curry house. After a great lunch, we ran more errands around town before heading back home to get ready for the nights main event.

You see, It was my father’s birthday that day; and Mantha had made reservations for Lawry’s Prime Rib that night. A most excelent place to eat prime rib; as thats practically the only thing they serve. Haha :)

Oops; work calls.. so To Be Continued…

V ybir ureV fgvyy ybir ure, vgf fb rnfl gb nqzvg, naq lrg v fgvyy srry nf vs v pnag “eryrnfr vg gb gur trareny choyvp” jul? v gryy zlfrys bhg bs erfcrpg sbe ure naq ure eryngvbafuvc… ohg vz fher gurer ner zber ernfbaf v’z abg jvyyvat gb nqzvg evtug abj. Fb v pbagvahr gb uvqr oruvaq n jnyy bs nabavzvgl naq rapelcgvba, nalguvat v pna svaq gb yrg gur srryvatf bhg sbe fbzr nve rirel bapr va n juvyr, gb yrg vg oerngur naq pbagvahr gb yvir.

Harry Potter Personality Quiz by Pirate Monkeys Inc.

When it began.. I had nothing to say, it really was a fairly new feeling to be looking forward to my birthday (even tho it was only a day or so in advance.. it was weird.) I kept wondering why i had held onto it for so long.. and a possible answer came to me in a conversation with Rosina the other day.

Validation… something my therapist and I touch on during many sessions. It didnt really matter that my reasons for dislinking my birthday were well.. silly and outdated; But the fact that manypeople shrugged it off or just laughed and humored me didnt help my self image at all. It felt too much like the times when i was growing up, and my aunts and cousins filled me with excuse after excuse as to why they couldnt be around during my birthday… Simply put, i felt unimportant.

So while back then, my anger and frustration was fresh. Those same feelings remained through my College days because i was treated the same. Only one of my friends ever really listened to me rant about it, and only one person respected my foolish wishes to be left alone; And it was weird, finally feeling like i was heard, finally being able to move past this roadblock that was holding me in place… Finally able to look past the frustration and see what it really was.

I wonder what other blockages still need to be cleared.

Speaking with Rosina on a ride home, she brought up something. She spoke about my birthday, and how much i should talk about it. In particular she said, “You really hate it..” and honestly its true. At the moment, when i thought of my birthday; i normally feel the pains in my stomach, and remember all the pain that my birhtday has caused me. I really did hate it. But why?

There are so many reasons.. So many years past.. what comes to mind?

Begining, there are very few “birthdays” that i remember as feeling good. My best day has to have been the one year i was actually in a relationship with someone during my birthday. which of course leaves many many times where my birthday wasnt so good.

My childhood is filled with so many memories of the summer. In particular i note how The begining of August seems to typically be prime vacation time. I remember so many times where the majority of my family and friends were absent when my birthday came around. I remember getting phonecalls and cards from people, maybe a month after the fact.. lots of promises for outings and presents that were never fufilled.

Basically i felt neglected. Every year i had high hopes, and they were usually dashed. All i had to look forward to was a dinner with the immediate family, but that didnt always happen either. Business trips frequently took my father away.. It hurt, it hurt a lot to feel so dissapointed year after year. I still remember many years where my birthday was spent cleaning the house, or working in the yard. Where was the celebration? what was there for me to celebrate? Somewhere along the line i became jadded.. and upset. Can you really blame me?

That feeling just kind of stuck. nothing really changed when i hit college. I’d go home only to be left to my own devices for most of August. My mom and/or dad would be off during the day. everyone had something to do or someone to visit. i still had my family dinners, but with things between me and Ray prettymuch severed, my dinners were together time spent in silence. So I left that, and decided to spend my summers in Davis.

At least being alone i had nobody to dissapoint me, and thats how things just stayed. I got used to the idea of hating my birthday, and never bothered to ponder over it anymore.

But..

But why?

With only an hour left before my birthday, Rosina’s voice rings in my head, “You really hate it..” and i cant really find reasons to hate it anymore. I’ve been thinking about it since she said it, and really; the reasons that were there are all in the past. All the things my aunts did, my cousins.. all the dissapointment. There is no reason to hang onto it anylonger. Fuckit, i’m turing twenty six… its my fuckin birthday damn it.

So many things in my life are just, there. The reasons behind why i am the way i am, and why i think certain ways.. they are all in the past. And one again all it took was a simple statement from someone I care about, to open my eyes.

So thanks again Rosina :)

Fuck yeah, its my birthday…. now what am i goign to do to celebrate?

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!!!!