Unwritten

Perception is really the key to understanding the universe. Einstein and his Theory of Relativity transcendes so many levels that i doubt even Einstein thought of. Life, in general, revolves around YOU.. yes you. How you see life entirely depends on your perception of it, and what you believe to be reality.

This weekend has once again illustrated how varied some of these perceptions can be.

Its hard for me to understand how deluded one person cam become, and how engrosed into themselves… how far up their own ass their head needs to be for them to see reality in such a twisted self absorbed way. Such blatant disreguard for those he claims are so close to him… it actually makes me sick to my stomach to think of it. And now, to hear such delusions that he tells other people…

Unfortunately, He would not be the only person currently in my life that is the same way. These influences seem to take more and more of a toll on my psyche than i care to let on. I just wish i could surround myself with more happier times, and happier people.

Luckily this weekend did once again bring that about. I got to spend time with a great group of people, which allowed me to take my mind off my troubles lately. Friday night was spent at a John Mayer concert down in the bay :). Karena invited me along, and i hung out with her, James, Anna, Judy, and a new group of people. The concert was pretty cool, it was actually my first real Concert experience. Oddly, it still wasnt a full concert experience; seeing as we had lawn tickets and we spent the entire time sprawled out on some blankets. John Mayer was opened by Maroon 5, but i spent much of their set standing in line to get some Garlic Fries… haha.

Soon saturday came around, and i spent much of the day wandering the The Great Mall and hanging out at Dave and Busters. I played some mean games :) and upped my ticket count by another 3k or so. I was there hanging out, waiting for Karena and Vivian to return from a bridal shower. And when they were done, i rode along to go attend one of Karena’s friend’s house warming parties.

Haha, the party was great; and i got to spend some time catching up with Vivian, whom i havent actually sat and talked with in.. woah.. way to long! I also got to meet an array of new and interesting people; and i spent the majority of the night doing what i do best. People watching :)

But all good things must come to an end, and the evening wained. Soon i found myself back at Karena’s place, passing out on her floor. Morning arose hours later and i found myself back in the car, heading to Davis to relax and prep myself for the coming week. Ah.. it was a wonderful weekend.. there are only a few things i can think of that could have made it any better..

Anyways; i hope everyone had a good weekend too.

I continue to show myself that i have a long road to travel yet. I realize that there are still many mysteries about myself that i have yet to uncover, and certain things that i am unsure about, are more solid that i had imagined.

I think its kinda cool how “outside” events have bearing and can help clarify things happening in my own life. When i give people advice on certain things, i take into account my own thoughts and experiences, and unfortunatley, my own fears as well. On the other hand tho, no matter how much i try to let my fears influence some people, my secret hopes and dreams for them find a way to win out, and in the end they help strenghten my own hopes and dreams for myself.

Patience, Endurance, and Love… I pray that my secret dreams will come true soon.

I began this post lamenting on the sorrows of what i have decided to call “The Next Day” the day after certain events in my life. For example, i was going to comment on how much more alone it felt after spending the weekend with so many good people. Comparing today with yesterday leads to no other conclusion… today i’m surrounded by myself hence i’m all alone.

However, just as i was looking up quotes that could back up my conclusions, i came across a quote that i had nearly forgotten.

“We will act consistently with our view of who we truly are, whether that view is accurate or not.”-Tony Robbins

Which brings up to another idea of “The Next Day” that i had not before considered. While I can remember all my “The Next Day”s as sad, i can also see that they mark the begining of some new thoughts, the development of new ideas.. They are the generators of many of the changes that are everyday living in my current life. This brings to light another quote.

“All personal breakthroughs being with a change in beliefs. So how do we change? The most effective way is to get your brain to associate massive pain to the old belief. You must feel deep in your gut that not only has this belief cost you pain in the past, but it’s costing you in the present and, ultimately, can only bring you pain in the future. Then you must associate tremendous pleasure to the idea of adopting a new, empowering belief.” -tony Robbins

Its funny how easily i forget these things… i already know it takes some great things to infuse some ideas into my head. Each day is a new challenge to get my mind and body to go into the direction i wish to go, instead of going to the places they are just used to going. Hopefully soon these ideas too will become everyday living for me, and some of the pains of my past will be just that.. my past.

I had one of the most kick ass weekends ive had in a while, and i got to spend time with some good friends, what more could i have asked for?

Friday was spent chillin out with Erin, who graciously came over to make me some soup and dinner. It was a good nice relaxing night; which helped me regain some of my strength for the weekend. I ended up sleeping way early, but still fielded some Text messages and phone calls from people who wanted to talk :)

Saturday was awesome. I hit up a BBQ/picnic down in foster city hosted by Janet Wong. haha, I dragged Ann along with me and ended up meeting up with Kalen, Keith, Ray, Eric, and Roland; as well as Christina Chin :). it was fun, i got some good food and was able to play around with a frisbee i won at my co workers baby shower. haha :) Afterwards Ann decided to drive me around SF!

So we drove around and tried to watch the sunset on Crissie Fields; but unfortunately the “walk for breast cancer” was camped out on the prime spot! so we rushed away and drove to the beach :) It was nice; the sun was already gone.. but we got to watch some bonfires and walk around on the dark beach for a little bit. Afterwards we went to Gordon Birsch for dinner and met up with Anna and Mike for Desert. It was great! It was getting late, so after driving back to Foster City to pick up my car, Ann and i drove to her house where i crashed for the night.. *Yawn*

I woke up around 9ish, but the house was so still and quiet. I finally got out of bed atound 1030 only to find out that they were keeping quiet to not wake me.. haha. so funny. After a yummy breakfast/lunch Ann and I drove out to Santa Cruz beach boardwalk where we once again met up with Anna and Mike. haha.. We spent the whole day there, riding the carnival rides and telling lame jokes *sorry Anna* I even got to have a delicious Deep Fried Twinkie! Mmm (i highly suggest it to everyone…) The highlight however, was wandering the darkness with Ann in the “fright walk’ haha.. it was so funny and scary at the same time. Ann Held my arm out like a battering ram, and ran my arm into walls and mirrors as we meandered our way through the attraction. But the time we found our way out, we were laughing so hard that we could barely breathe.. It was great!

Ah, night came.. legs hurting and cold returning we found it hard to finally leave. After wandering through the arcades for another half hour or so, we all finally decided it was time to leave. We parted ways and Ann and I headed back to her house. After a quick dinner of Pancit and some chicken, i drove the long road back to Davis.. and some sleep! :)

G’night.

Wackiness: 60/100

Rationality: 40/100

Constructiveness: 68/100

Leadership: 52/100

You are a WECF–Wacky Emotional Constructive Follower. This makes you a candle burning at both ends. You work until you drop, and you play until you can stand to work again. You have so much enthusiasm that you can find it hard to control on your own, and you appreciate the guidance that channels your energy and lets you be your best.

In a relationship, you require lots of attention and support. You often over-contribute and end up feeling depleted and cheated. You may benefit from more time alone than you grant yourself.

Your driving force is the emotional support of others–especially affection. You can run on empty for miles if you have positive energy behind you. Without it–as it occasionally must run dry–you are depressive, listless, and difficult to motivate.

You need a lot of affection. Get it any way you can, but never at the cost of your self-respect or well-being.

Sometimes i feel like I never get a break. Right when i let my guard down and just try to live life, try to help people i care about.. something seems to come back and bite me. Someone sees something, takes it the wrong way and goes off… Sometimes i feel like living life is such a big risk.. like i could never really just let myself be me, because there will always be people out there who are offended, who do not understand, who dont want to listen to me or even take the time to figure out what is going on?

For a time, each incident would push me futher and futher into my hermitdom. Such a sad place to be, all alone. I would peek out every once in a while just to get myself swiped at.. But not anymore.

I’m scared, oh yeah.. definately scared of what being myself can bring about. I shudder to think how close to the brink of disaster i’ve come, how many times i seem to be hanging on by a thread. Its been so hard to trust.. to trust myself and to trust others. I find is so difficult; even knowing fully that i did nothing wrong… to believe in myself and my right to do the things i want to.

Its hard.. i cannot blame them sometimes. I know i’m not what you would call “typical” I seem to follow my own road in many things. how could they understand? especially when they dont take the time to know me, or when i just dont care to know them?

Bleh, i could go on.. but right now i feel very closed off and alone. I need to gather my strength back and let current events blow over. I need a vacation.

Half asleep this morning/last night i had thoughts i wanted to put down; but the computers were off and i said i’d do it when i got to work. So here i am at work and i cant seem to remember what i wanted to say, except for a single thought.

“All in all, last night was a good night.. ^_^”