Unwritten

Hmm
Well here i am.
I havent posted here in a while, i guess there really isnt much to say. I said on my other blog that ive been moody… Yeah; its still there. Whatever it is i need to mellow out and normalize still needs to be found.

Ive been looking for something.. maybe someone.. and i think its time i stopped. Like my coworker said, “they are never around when you are looking, and when you arent.. suddenly everything is there..” I look to hard, i dont look hard enough. I need to pull everything back and be selfish for a littlebit. Even when i thought i was being selfish, i really wasnt…

But this is about me now, I need to get my shit together and get organized. I need to pull myself out of the ruts, out of the depression, the sadness and the bipolarity. I need to take my responsibilities seriously..

I am not a kid anymore; no matter how much i wish it was so. Babies.. i’m surrounded by babies; defined not by their age but by their mind.

I do not belong where i am right now, I belong somewhere else; and i’m not going to get there by standing around.

Blessed are the poor in spirit: for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.

Blessed are the meek: for they shall posses the land.

Blessed are they who mourn: for they shall be comforted.

Blessed are they that hunger and thirst after justice: for they shall have their fill.

Blessed are the merciful: for they shall obtain mercy.

Blessed are the clean of heart: for they shall see God.

Blessed are the peacemakers: for they shall be called the children of God.

Blessed are they that suffer persecution for justice’ sake, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.

“Who do you think you are?.. Someone Special?…” - Rex Navarrete

August is just around the corner. historically it has been the month with the biggest amount of change. Not necessarily imediate change; but it marks when i seem to open myself up and am the most vulnerable. I make many rash decisions that lead to some great things (not necessarily good things.. but great things.)

That is a delima tho. I know im destined for great things, but as if now i dont know if they will be good or bad. I could be destined to invent something that could save the world.. or destroy it (if even that much). haha, i seem to put a lot of unneeded weight on my already overloaded shoulders.

Anyways, i can feel that this August is not going to be much different than the rest; but its feeling that its going to be a very draining and eye opening month.

Pause…

I was thinking of last year, and all the things that came out of that. I can still feel the effects of the thoughts that ran through my head; the images that were burned into my mind. Last august was such a powerful experience for me… and to think i spent much of it alone.

hmm.. only time will know what will be hapening from here on out.

Im sleepy. I didnt sleep very much or very well last night. all my fault. However, i find it was worth it. I see myself falling back into some old cycles, and i honestly believe that i’m handling them much better this time around. My head isnt as fogged up as it used to be, and i’m considering much about the choices i make and the ultimate outcome that i want to happen, and what i need to do (and not do) to make it happen.

I hope that this means that what i want is really what i want, and not just another illustion that i’ve presented myself.

Mm.. i need a nap.

Happy Birthday.

Come fly with me come fly, lets… fly away… :)

A while back, Rosina gave me a gift certificate for my birthday. The Certificate was for a 1 hour balloon ride! Unfortunately, due to many life events, i was unable to use it right away; then i just dint really feel like using it for a while. Luckily, I kept running across the certificate from time to time and kept note that it would expire in 2004. Time passed…

I really didnt want to go all alone, but really there was only 1 person i would have liked to gone with. however, as time grew slim i decided that going by myself wasnt so bad. So i booked my flight for July and somewhat forgot about it. Haha, as the date came closer tho, i grew more and more excited. I always wanted to go on a real balloon ride.. and this was going to be a great trip.

So this morning, at around 4am i left my house to drive down to Napa and to Balloons above the Valley. Sadly, the weather around Napa wasnt the best, so they ended up driving the group out to Winters, where we hopped into Balloons and soared into the air. It was beautiful! and i ended up taking over 90 photos of just the sights. It was great, and even tho i ended up being surrounded by 15 other people, i felt like it was just me up there, the ground far below, the sky bright blue.. the sun shining over the horizon, it was awesome. I think i could have taken hundreds of photos! haha, but there were many times where i just put my camera down, watched the horizon, and felt the wind and warmth of the sun on my face.

Ah, there are very few things that could have made it a better morning. :) Thanks again Rosina.

I think ive been moodly lately. Yeah.

Mantha told me a couple days ago..”btw, you are in an odd mood lately” and i didnt really understand; but i think i do now. I feel weird… I get like this sometimes; my head swims while i try to figure out the path that i’m walking on. I think yesterday was a good highlight of my current mindset. I was making a sign and i kept staring at the word “STOP” why? because even tho i knew that i spelled it right, i just couldnt help but stare and think it was spelled wrong. Paranoid? or what, i dont know, either way i was secondguessing myself on something that was so obviously correct.

So what else am i second guessing myself on? I think i’m doubting some of the decisions i’ve made and i just need to get through and build myself up… Its like i used to do with my legos. I spent so much time building something… that i just had to take it apart and do it all over again; and while i was doing it i always found some little things to improve on; However, i would have never found those things without taking all the pieces apart and risking losing it. And really, i did lose what i built; it was never the same again… it was better.

so right now its a dismantling stage of my life; i think its been going on for a while; and i’m finding some pieces that fit better, and other pieces that i no longer need.

Here is something to open your eyes to the possiblities of the future.

http://www.jengajam.com/r/mini-cooper-robot

real.. not real. Who knows, its certainly possible at this point.. :) Either way, its an interesting read and a fun way to pass the time.

but come on! its my name… I deserve the rights to my own name

Edit:

I had a vague explination of the quote here.. but it was just confusing. It took away from the meaning… in Context, out of Context.. this quote is just funny :) Of course you deserve the right to your own name! no matter where it is.. Hahaha..

Elrond: That future is almost gone.

Arwen: But it is not lost.

Elrond: Nothing is certain.

Arwen: Some things are certain…

Leo: The Cart is about to turn around. So dont upset it. Stay the Course.

Even the smallest thread can keep things together. The next few months threaten to be the hardest… Pray for me if you believe.. :)