Unwritten

Modern Dance is the same no matter who performs it. I watched a disabled dance troup perform some modern dance.. and it still made no sense.. Man o.o. The performance was wonderful, i’m sure.. but my personal bias towards Modern dance made the opening act painful to watch. haha. But no more painful than watching able bodied people doing modern dance..

However, the rest of the evening was wonderful. I watched a performance of My Dream an evening of theatre by the China Disabled People’s Performing Arts Troupe. I got the tickets for free on Friday, through the Cal Aggie Alumni Association Mailing list. It was a fun night spent with Rosary and James :)

The acts themselves were wonderful. A night filled with dance and song :) Except for the more visually obvious imparements (such as the dancer with no arms, the wheelchair bound singers, and the downsyndrom conductor) you could not tell that these performers were special at all. It seems the majority of the performers were either visually or hearing impared, and they found their own ways to feel and hear the music.

I’m glad i made the performance, and the feeling i got from the performers far outweighed the annoyance from the chatty people behind us, or the fucking stupid light operator who kept turing the house lights up at random times.. Sheesh. Idiot.

Any community’s arm of force - military, police, security - needs people in it who can do neccesary evil, and yet not be made evil by it. To do only the necessary and no more. To constantly question the assumptions, to stop the slide into atrocity.

Lois McMaster Bujold

There is one thing i’m extremely good at that i’m afraid of. I’m afraid of succeeding in this area and losing my values and myself. Growing up in my house has made me capable of extreme manipulation, extreme deceit, and extreme sneakyness.
In some senses its good. i can keep secrets forever, I can find out things that others cant seem find. I can make things happen, when nobody else has the underhandedness to do so. And all of this happens under the noses of so many people, they never even realise what happens. Most people only see that things are running smoothly, they dont pay attetion to the various amounts of greese that i had to apply to the parts to get them to work.

Sounds cool? it really is, I made and break deals.. i bend the rules and tiptoe the fine lines of the law and morality.

What i’m afraid of tho, is slipping up and crossing that line… Well more like crossing the line and staying there (Im farily certain that i’ve crossed the line quite a few times already, but always came back over…)

I really believe i would have been a successful criminal.. hmm.. let me take a look at how that might have been?

What might have been?

Blogging from Japan. The flight out was quiet, came out with the rest of the crew. The Feds are still on us for our latest phone scam; I dont know why they are so worried.. those people are old. they would be dead in little bit anyways. Oh! ha, i understand now. of course the Feds are upset, They would be the one to get all that money if I didnt swoop in to get it in the first place.
Well we lost one of the crew, he couldnt get out of LA in time. We had to leave without him, too bad.. hes been with me for ten years now. He should have been better prepared. Sucka! Well bigger cut for the rest of us.

I hear the family is under investigation again… when will the feds learn that i dont talk to them anymore? oh well, serves them right for giving me grief when i was growing up. I should send some men there to stir things up and have the feds keep a closer eye on them. Hahaha.

Hmm, well the other less criminal activity i would have excelled at is.. spycraft.

What else might have been?

Blogging from… well you know i cant tell you. Its been a rough day, its nice to be in a nice room for a change with internet access. Spent the day in “the heat of it all” so to speak. Suffice it to say that my mission was accomplished.. not that anyone would ever know the things i’ve done. I did lose a man to “training accident” tho. Those parts are the roughest, when i cant tell someone’s family what they were doing that ended their life. Always the training accident… i wonder why people keep believing that hogwash story.

I have so much more i wish i could say… But i dont want to lose my job.. or moreso, i dont want to get killed. So i’m signing off for now.

Haha.. weird imagination i got here. I think i had a point when i started this post.. but its gone.. oh well :)

Ah, yes… as usual my posts are all disjointed and random. They come in clumps, much like my thought process. I take huge amounts of data, proccess them; then multitask to process more. So i suppose this blog can be considered my stack.. I offload data for certain things so that i can come back to it later and do more processing.. (Oh god.. i just alluded to my brain being part of a programing stack.. i’m such a fuckin geek.)

Anyways, as is the norm for me, when it rains it fuckin pours. My therapy continues to illustrate to me how so many issues i have been dealing with are all interconnected. No part of my psyche is isolated from the rest, and its unrealistic for me to even consider otherwise. All my issues with trust, recognition, and love find their roots in my past; a past i have yet to gain full control over.

I have tried so many things. Ignoring my past, forgiving my past, running away from my past, trying to just accept my past as it is. none of them seem to be a worthwhile solution. There are always some problems, or issues that arise from my chosen path that cause me to stop and reevaluate the road I am on.

I cannot chamge my past, and as time passes i realize more that i need to look at my past with a new light. I will not be able to go back in time and make people appreciate me more, I cannot go back and force people to acknowledge the accomplishments i did, or how i contributed to their successes. I cannot persuade them to give me their approval. I need to look at the world as it is today.

Im no longer a little boy who looks up to his parents and older sibling. I was fooled, used and abused. They took advantage of me and i lost out in the end. I cannot keep trying to look at them with the same innocent eyes. I must accept the fact that the people i most admired and wanted to be like, are the ones who dissapoint me the most now.

Wow.. writing that last line made me stop. Its sad to think that as much of a family person i wish to be, i feel like a fraud when i look at my family life now. how much i wish things could change, but now much i’m tired of being the one who has to initiate everything. How can i feel right about teaching my kids the importance of family, when right now i wish i wasnt a part of mine.

I feel that i am very forgiving and patient.. (ok.. as Sam and Rosina say it.. i’m not really that patient, but i can endure more.. hence the tattoos). It takes a lot to reach the point of no return in my book..

however, even people who have reached that point have been able to come back; but the effort always lies in their part. If i get fed up to that elusive point.. i’m done with you. I find that my energy is best left somewhere else.. So i close the door there and hand them the key. Its up to them if they wish to use it or not.

But even then some people are so dense. They think that they can yell and scream through the door and everything is just fine. If you want me, you can open up the damn door yourself.

so no.. Brother, your words… ” I’m still here when your ready brother…i’m just not gonna sit and hurt myself over it anymore more. I’ve made my peace…” you have hurt yourself over something that was never there. I dont believe you. you were never there.. and even if you are there now.. i’m not. make your peace, good for you, it was always about you anyways.. I’m done trying, i’m done worrying, i’m done with it all.

Making choices is hard. There are many times where i like to avoid making decisions. I like to have some decisions just be made for me, that way i can avoid the responsibility when things go wrong. For me decisions seem so… final; so concrete that i could never go back.

One of the life lessons that were hard for me to accept is that decisions are not necessarily final. I can decide on something, make a mistake; and change my mind. however the concepts still battle in my mind. If i’m expecting that i can change my mind; did i really make the decision?

Syntax.. word usage. I’m constantly nitpicking things in my own brain. Focusing energy in places where they are not needed. Why? because it distracts me from things i have no control over. It keeps me from thinking about the things i want that i cannot have.

So many decisions facing me. So many choices i have made… I still believe in many of them, and i hope to see them through. Otherwise, i will wait till something comes along to change my mind.

“Love isn’t a decision. It’s a feeling. If we could decide who we loved, it would be much simplier, but much less magical.”

I had a post here, but it sucked. Haha.. I was interrupted by work and lost my train of thought. The quote above says it best tho… I still remember the magic moments in my life. Those are the moments when i felt most alive.. Ah.. which leads to another quote.. ok, more like lyrics :)

Brian McKnight

Remember the Magic

Can you remember

Back to a simpler time

Back to the watercolor days

That still run through your mind

Oh, I remember just my old friend and me

Runnin’ through an open field

The way it used to be

The feeling that our hearts could just take wings

We could live out all our dreams

The journey there was never far away

But like a dream come true

That’s still inside of you

The secret of tomorrow is

To live your dreams today

Remember the night

Remember the feeling

Remember the magic

In our lives

You opened up my eyes

To a new world revealing

So remember the magic

Just remember the magic

One more time

Oh, remember

Do you remember

The way it used to feel

When love was only make-believe

And fairy tales were real

Oh, I remember

You were with me once again

Free to live our fantasies

It never has to end

The feeling that our hearts would just take wings

We could live a world of dreams

Together we would sail against the wind

And now I know where to begin

How to find it all again

From now until forever

Remember the time

Remember the feeling

Remember the magic

In your eyes

You opened up my eyes

And you gave life new meaning

So remember that feeling

Just remember the magic

One more time

One more time

Remember the magic

What i need now is a computer ICU. This ol Powerbook g3 is hanging on by a thread. I’ve already started offloading data to secondary sources. Its sad, this machine has treated me well these past 5 years or so. Its been doing things that many computers never get to do.. handle Databases, create thousands of personalized badges, make music videos, create webpages, photo manipulation, wireless hacking, web serving.. so much more i cant even mention! I think i always push all my machines to the limits of its possibilities, Getting them to do things that people dont think they could do.

I guess thats part of my personality. I’m a user. while i do collect many things, for the most part the things in my life are to be used. Everything has potential, everything has a purpose; even unknown purposes. I buy comics to read, movies to watch, toys to play with… I believe i like to live in the moment, i want to maximize the here and now; Why? because i really dont knwo what is out there tomorrow.

Bleh, reflection.. all these posts end up with reflection. This ol computer is nearing retirement. I’ve already lookied into ordering a new Powerbook G4… I hope everything works out :)

Im saddened today, yet another icon from my youth, another “Era” representing my childhood has ended. Ronald Reagan died today. Ronald Reagan was a great president. Many things flourished under his tenure. Defense went up, taxes went down.. Black ops went up. Like any president; past, present, future; he had his good and bad points, But he did what he felt he needed, he came to inflict change upon the government and the people, and he did just that.

I remember growing up under the Reagan years. My parents, both military, worked hard as some budgets were cut and programs were changed. My Dad flew around alot, working on many things at different times. We benefited of course, my dad was able to keep his job and we were able to put things way for a rainy day. Things were much simpler then. We knew who our enemy was, we knew who to aim our guns and missles at. We had Rivals, who fought for expansion and protection. They were the ‘Commies’ and were were the ‘Capatalists..’ Simple..

I miss those days..

Rest in Peace President Reagan.

You know, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery right? Its nice to have people see your ideas and thoughts and art are so good that they want to try to imitate it. Its cool to see that people notice your hard work and would like to have that sort of energy/imagination in their lives.

However, down right duplication is just plain… rude, stupid. and you sir are an Ass for doing so. Yeah you, so blatant in your Xerox of our ideas. So obvious that we spend almost as much energy keeping our ideas from you as we put into trying to develop them ourselves.

So screw you for copying… and know i take much pride in your repeated failed attempts to be who I am. Because who i am is not in the things i do, or the ideas the people around me come up with. Its in my ability to pull them off. So go ahead and try, you will fail.

I finally got around to fixing up the archives :) Its a little funky seeing as Blogger decided to change the way they do things again. But it works.