Spin around…

Ah, yes… as usual my posts are all disjointed and random. They come in clumps, much like my thought process. I take huge amounts of data, proccess them; then multitask to process more. So i suppose this blog can be considered my stack.. I offload data for certain things so that i can come back to it later and do more processing.. (Oh god.. i just alluded to my brain being part of a programing stack.. i’m such a fuckin geek.)

Anyways, as is the norm for me, when it rains it fuckin pours. My therapy continues to illustrate to me how so many issues i have been dealing with are all interconnected. No part of my psyche is isolated from the rest, and its unrealistic for me to even consider otherwise. All my issues with trust, recognition, and love find their roots in my past; a past i have yet to gain full control over.

I have tried so many things. Ignoring my past, forgiving my past, running away from my past, trying to just accept my past as it is. none of them seem to be a worthwhile solution. There are always some problems, or issues that arise from my chosen path that cause me to stop and reevaluate the road I am on.

I cannot chamge my past, and as time passes i realize more that i need to look at my past with a new light. I will not be able to go back in time and make people appreciate me more, I cannot go back and force people to acknowledge the accomplishments i did, or how i contributed to their successes. I cannot persuade them to give me their approval. I need to look at the world as it is today.

Im no longer a little boy who looks up to his parents and older sibling. I was fooled, used and abused. They took advantage of me and i lost out in the end. I cannot keep trying to look at them with the same innocent eyes. I must accept the fact that the people i most admired and wanted to be like, are the ones who dissapoint me the most now.

Wow.. writing that last line made me stop. Its sad to think that as much of a family person i wish to be, i feel like a fraud when i look at my family life now. how much i wish things could change, but now much i’m tired of being the one who has to initiate everything. How can i feel right about teaching my kids the importance of family, when right now i wish i wasnt a part of mine.