Unwritten

Everyone has their own coping methods. For my family it seems to be selective memory; especially when it deals with things in the past that have hurt us deeply. Im sure many people practice it; you do your best to erase the pain by removing refrences to it, pictures.. postcards.. songs.. letters… we remove refrences to the truth so that all we have left is the lie that resides in our head.

Fortunately (yes, i did say fortunately) subconsciously i would rather have the truth, and i plant clues for myself to find them once again. When im ready my own curious nature leads me back to the discovery of the truth. Sometimes its a good discovery, sometimes its bad. Either way i find myself reliving the moments, the pain, and the joys.

Today was a discovery. Coming across things i thought were long gone; clues triggered by a single moment in time which lead to a waterfall of discovery. How could i forget?.. or more how was i able to fool myself into blocking these things off… how could i forget those looks on my face; the ones of sheer terror and happiness rolled into one. How happy i was then, and how happy i will be once again.

When im ready, these things will come. I’m more sure of it now more than ever.

I am a man who believes in Fate. Fate guides us to where we need to be at a particular moment. It gives us the road map to our destination in strange and somewhat mysterious ways. However, no matter how much fate nudges you; its still up to you to take the hint and go with it.

Yesterday is a good example. I was hungry, and suddenly Felicia messages me with the same message, “did you eat?” Eh; I was feeling lazy so i gave her a hard time of it; Why I was lazy? i dont know.. i was definately hungry, but stil i didnt really want to leave the house. Eventually i gave in and picked her and Dave up; and we headed down to Guadajara. Strange enough; as we stood in line, a mysterious man dressed in black walked in behind us. It was none other than, Brent! woah.

Strange that fate brought me to that particular resturant on an otherwise normal Sunday. Strange that i walked in right in front of him, especially since he lives more than an hour away. Interesting to say the least. But it was good, Felicia met the person who christened the room she will be living in next year, and Brent and I had a chance to catch up and remember the “good old days” Haha. It was a nice night.

Humane Borders is an organization who places water stations out across the Arizona desert for Illegal imigrants who are trying to cross in from Mexico. Really now. The idea itself is good, they want to prevent people from dying out in the desert. So sweet. But in the end.. WTF? why dont they give out bullets near banks for people who break the law there? Or radar detectors out at stations on the freeway?

I’m all for saving lives, but they wouldnt need saving if they werent trying to illegally imigrate into the US in the first place. Come on, they claim people will still die; but look at it this way. People know the desert is dangerous… so they wont go that way; but if they have a false sense of hope that they could find the water station; then they will take the risk! how can they say that it doesnt encourage more people to go for it? Its stupid.. really. Idiotic and stupid.

Mmm.. working here has gotten me to develop some strange eatting habits. Mainly my new favorite quickie lunchtime food. Instant Noodles and Peanut Butter. It sounds kind odd at first, but its actually really good. The peanut butter helps offset some of the saltyness and adds some protein to the meal; giving me more energy throughout the day. The soup is just tasty, and the noodles, well. they are noodles. haha.
I’ve also been adding Vienna Sausage into the mix, giving it more meat flavoring. Mmm… instant food and canned additives. I’ll definately be eattin good during Nuclear Winter.

On another topic…

So its been a pretty long week. I received my new laptop yesterday! YAY! so i’ve spent much of yesterday installing the software :) i’m excited; it runs a lot faster and looks slicker than my current powerbook. Its funny tho, cuz its not really a “replacement” computer, but an additional; as i plan on reformating the old powerbook and getting a clean system for sam to run. Hahaha :) All around its been pretty good, ever since Ann’s party i’ve been feeling pretty up! Thanks Ann :) your a sweetie. She even dropped by randomly yesterday and ate some of her food, and watched T.H.E.M. It was cool.

Leo (July 23-August 22)

You’ve got that look in your eye, Leo — that slightly demented, fervently giddy expression I see in you every now and then. Judging from previous experience, I surmise you’re about to either launch a brave quest to the frontiers of your understanding or else hurl yourself into a sticky abyss where all the demons adore you. You realize there’s a difference, right? One is scary fun and the other is glamorous torment. Please go to your room, take a hundred deep, slow breaths, and meditate about what you should do next to prove how much you love yourself.

That look? This isnt the only thing that has told me that i have a look in my eyes lately. What could it mean? I hope it means something good. haha. going over things in my head i have come to the conclusion that i spend my energy ineffectively. I shift energy to pointless arguments and small annoyances in order to avoid facing some bigger issues in my life. Its an annoying habit i’ve been trying to break.

and.. its been going well. My therapist told it to me best, “Its like when you learn a new dance. At first it will always seem akward, and goofy and wrong, but as you practice and practice it will soon become second nature. You just have to give it time..” So i must contunue to practice and practice, i need to convince myself of the new truth, and slowly work my way out of old bad habits of mind and body.

Ah, but back to the look; i have been acting a bit goofy lately..

also see ‘ comic!

MindMap

First off… Congradualtions ANN! :) you did it.. you graduated! woot Woot!

I prettymuch spent my entire weekend with Ann and her family :) It all began on Friday when i took the morning off to attend her graduation.
It was a pretty quick ceremony, and i spent it sitting with Ann’s parents, her sister Divine, and some of Ann’s friends. It was funny :) we joked the entire ceremony and had a good time screaming and yelling.
After the ceremony, we all headed over to Mr. Changs in South Davis for a celebratory Lunch. Dang, I havent been so stuffed in a long time; It didnt help that everyone got full early and expected me to finish all the food! haha, what do I look like? a trash compactor? It was fun, a meal full of joking and general fun.. Its amazing to think that at the begining of the day I only knew 2 of them; by the end of the meal it felt like we’d been doing this forever.

Sadly, after lunch i had to return to work :( and I missed out on clubbin at the DNA lounge.

Saturday was a good day, i spent it cleaning up my room and organizing some paperwork… A continuation of the work i started Friday night. I reorganized my room, and replaced my drafting table with a more proper computer desk. It feels a little better, and the PC computer is nicely settled into its corner of the room. I left the house once on Saturday, to get some food and to stop by frys and do a little end of the school year shopping!

Saturday came and went like a flash, and i was looking forward to Sunday’s activities. I woke up fairly early, checked on some work that my laptop was doing; then dashed off to Union City to meet up at Ann’s house for a celebration! Ha.. OMG; It remimded me of what i miss most from my childhood; the “good ol” family gatherings… Filipino Style. I got to her house around 3 and the food fest began! I tried my best to help them set up, but ann’s mom would have nothing of it. So i sat around eatting and chatting with the few people who started. I spent the begining of the feast sitting in my chair, chatting with Divine, Ann, and Anne Cruz! (Yay! hello Anne!) I havent seen Divine or Anne in ages, and it was fun catching up on old times and seeing what everyone was up to.
I stayed in the room, chatting and watching the food network!

Dun dun dun.. then it happened. Karaoke Began! before i knew it the older generation had flodded the room i was in and the tunes filled the room. Haha, it was funny watching all the younger generation scurry out the room like roaches exposed to the kitchen light. We dashed all around into wherever we could find. So i spent the rest of the night bouncing off between the different groups, getting to know some of Ann’s friends and eatting. OMG, i ate a lot.. Lots of lumpia, Palabok, Rice, BBQ, pork.. Mm.. man, it was a non stop eatting fiesta!
As the night wore on, more and more people begain to leave till i found myself the last guest. Funny how that happened, first to arrive; last to leave. I helped them clean up a bit, and took my turn with Divine at singing Karaoke! It was a blast.. and what made the night even more memorable was when i finally convinced Ann to sing. According to her family, she had never sung with them; so i find it a great accomplishment!

Alas, as midnight passed it was well past time for me to go, so i packed up the food they gave me, hopped into the car and drove back home!

If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port,

And the bus is interrupted as a very last resort,

And the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort,

Then the socket packet pocket has an error to report!

If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash,

And the double-clicking icons put your window in the trash,

And your data is corrupted ’cause the index doesn’t hash,

Then your situation’s hopeless, and your system’s gonna crash!

If the label on your cable on the gable at your house,

Says the network is connected to the button on your mouse,

But your packets want to tunnel to another protocol,

That’s repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall.

And your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss,

So your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse,

Then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang,

‘Cause as sure as I’m a poet, the sucker’s gonna hang!

When the copy of your floppy’s getting sloppy on the disk,

And the microcode instructions cause unnecessary RISC,

The you have to flash your memory and you’ll want to RAM your ROM,

Quickly turn off the computer and be sure to tell your mom!

I find that i’m still in a state of transition. I’m still moving from one state of living to some newer, higher plane of living. I think i’ve held it back for so many years that it all comes with such a furry now.

With that comes so many changes into my life. Such a new mix of emotions and thoughts. Stronger feelings, stronger passions. Such things i never would have believed could come from me.

Even with all the change happening, there is still so much more i want to do.. so much i want to experience. There is so much i wish i could share with someone. So much i wish i had my counterpart for. Yeah, While i feel that my life is going pretty good right now; there is still so much i want to change.

Alas, all the changes i’m aiming for are joined by the changes that happen with or without me. Today was the Retirement celebration for one of our receptionists. She had been working in the Counseling Center for over 20 years, and her influence will surely be missed. I already begin to wonder what tomorrow is going to be like. It will be the first time i walk into work without seeing her car in the parking structure. The first time i walk in without hearing her laugh, her smile or her “good morning”.

Ah, i’ve lost many things in my life, and i’ve learned much from the experiences. I pray that i can take the best of my experiences with these people and use them to better my life.

I think the hopeful romantic in me will always find a way to keep that flame burning inside me. “Tho hope is frail, its hard to kill” I have Endured much these past months, and i will endure as long as it takes to fufill my hearts desires.

So yesterday was an eventful day. After Chillin for a couple hours with the FanimeCon crew i headed down the road to Karena’s place to hang out and goto The Rock. No.. we didnt head down to Alcatraz… but instead went to a night of Christian “rock” musical ministry. Suffice it to say, non-religious/spiritual me felt like a spy… pondering the workings of this different church. Overall I had a good time.. the music was mostly upbeat, and the messages were open and universal. The theme for that night? Hope.

You know, its funny how different religions are really so much alike. It just goes to show how small little details and differences can be blown up into huge rifts between people. Going to service at this church was verymuch like going to service back home. The messages, the teachings… all the same words with different voices.

Alas.. do i feel any need to join up? Nope, I’m still searching for a place to call my own. untill then, God will continue to guide me towards that place and that destiny.