Unwritten

Ah, finally i have a few short moments to compse some long winded post about my current state of life. :) Things are pretty good. I’m excited for the weekend! Why you ask? well because…

I’m going to FanimeCon.

My yearly trip to the stressful life of running the registration for a growing convention is fast upon me. Actually, i’ll be leaving for San Jose in a couple hours (right after work). Its exciting and stressful at the same time. I’ll get to see a lot of friends i havent seen in a while, get to catch up with some enemies. (hahaha) and generally go back to a time where school and work were just side thoughts and i can enjoy the fullness of the night.

I’ve basically been prepping this entire month, heck; this entire year.. but may proved to be the crunch time and the last 2 weeks have been hectic. Thanks to everyone who helped out; Rosina, Sam, Felicia, Antonio, Cat, Soymi, and the rest! thanks a bunch! See you next week.

For all the times i find myself in the presence of people who dont remember, for all those times people i know forgot my name, forgot my face, forgot me… I never think about the times when it goes the other way around.

I dont think about the times, when someone i would have never guessed knew my name, or even knew i existed; passes by and says, “Hi Will.” yeah, not just a hello.. or a standard greeting; but using my actual name. Ha, maybe i’m not as forgetable and nondescript as i keep telling myself I am.

Its even better when shes cute… :D

I wish I could hook up my blogs to my brain. By the time the idea comes to me, and i get a chance to open up a window, a program.. anything that lets me write it all down; the message has changed.
Self censorship or just selective editing.. maybe i’m really just improving it? I’m not sure really; I wish i could just transfer my most pure thoughts onto paper without the influence of my hands, without the influence of the feeling of the keyboards on my finger.. just pure raw emotion and thought; open for the world to see..

I wish i could be more open, not afraid of what is out there to get me. not constantly looking over my shoulder for whomever is standing around waiting for me to fuck up. I’m paranoid like that; paranoid that my friends will leave me, that i will forever be alone… trapped inside of my own mind, never realizing my full and powerful potential.

Happy Birthday Rosina! :)

Fuck fuck,.. this hurts like a motherfucker.. Getting a tattoo this big is a pain.. I’m laying here in the bed, the tattoo artist is basically poking my leg with a needle and injecting blots of black ink into my skin. Fod some reason it hurts so much more on my right leg than the left.. and i’m in sheer pain. OH FUCK… oh oh.. Oh god.. it hurts..
hhaha..

im insane

(midnight update)

Ah, i just got home :) i’m still in a little bit of pain.. both my legs sting like hell. They look awesome :) im so excited! haha.. Well thanks out to James for putting up with sitting around and watching me get poked for about 5 hours. Thanks to Karena and Ann for doing the same, but for a shorter amount of time! haha :) And lastly thanks to Anna and Ben for coming by at the end to join us for a much needed food break.. Ugh. It was a long long experience :)

One of the reasons why i like Subtitled anime so much is the sheer act of reading. By making me do work and read, i feel much more involved in the story. On top of that, i’m forced to use my imagination and fill in visual gaps when my reading takes me away from “watching…” Strange isnt it?

So last night we were watching Escaflowne, well continuing to watch it is more like it. Felicia and a google of people dropped by with some chips and soda and we had ourselves a little feast. Haha. However, as the rest of them were chatting it up, i felt myself getting once again drawn into the intense storyline of Escaflowne. I get lost in the overlying theme… Belief, and the power of ones own thoughts.

What it comes down to is, your thoughts control your life. If your are stuck in “bad” thoughts and always pondering the evils and stuck in the sadness of life; that is what your life will be like. your anxiety will slowly tear at you and you will be blinded to what is in front of you. However, if you trust in your feelings and believe in those you love; then good things will come out of it. Not that the bad things in life will never happen; but if you believe then they wont be so bad and you will come out better in the end.

I hope i can find that sort of mindset for myself. I think i can get there.

20 years ago today, I was 5: Probably still wondering what we were going to get for my brother on his birthday. I was living mostly with my aunt in Monterey Park.

15 Years ago today, I was 10: Living in cerritos with my parents and siblings, attending St. Bernard’s school and living a pretty carefree life. Probably also still wondering what we were going to get my brother for his birthday.

10 Years ago today, I was 15: Attending St John Bosco High School, Hanging out with my friends and working out ways to cheat on our Finals. I dont think i got my brother anything.

5 Years ago today: I was 20.. On the cusp of becoming 21. I had a lot of “firsts” that year. I had become something im not all that proud of today. I know i didnt get my brother anything.

2 Years ago today: My life changed. I began to wake up to a world of greater possibilities. Someone who was important to me, became more important. It marks a day I feel was the beginning of the greatest and deepest changes in my life.

1 Year ago today: What was important is still important, My eyes were open and my heart was empty. I decided i needed to make amends for my mistakes.

Today: I will always remember this date. What is most important will always be important, and some of what I needed to release is gone. What began 2 years ago continues to run and influences all my changes.

Next Year: … Who knows.

So after my post, i was “thinking” in the bathroom when i looked down at my magazine rack. There in bright yellow letters on the cover of my Readers Digest: The Power of Forgiving.

One of the pull quotes..

How to find Peace
• Focus on the facts of the offense.
• Dont condone it, but try to understand what led to it.
• Explore your true feelings about it. Try not to take it personally; you aren’t the only one to ever get hurt.
• Focus on the offender’s humanity. not just his/her hurtful behavior
• Forgive for yourself, not anyone else. And forgive your heart. You needn’t tell the offender.

I still have problems letting go. Releasing the deamons in my head that are holding me back. i know i’m doing it to myself.. and i know i really have no right to ask for forgiveness myself when i cant seem to forgive some people in my life.

But in that statement is the difference. I’m asking for it… I think i recognize the mistakes i’ve made and i’m asking for forgiveness, I want to make amends for my mistakes; Some people in my life… i dont see that. I dont see that they even recognize the pain that they have brought down on me.. and those are the people i cant seem to forgive.

I know whats best for me. I know i need to find some way to let these pains go. Reading my last post illustrates the bulk of what i need to let go of. I know ive tried it before and didnt get so far. But all i can do is keep trying. So here i go.

• I forgive you for dropping me and sending me to the hospital
• I forgive you for lying to me all those years about the basis of our relationship
• I forgive you for taking advantage of our relationship and charging me for letting you charge things for me
• I forgive you for overcharging me, and trying to play off your own purchases as mine when you “did the bills
• I forgive you for all those times you forgot about us, for the times you dropped us at a moments notice for your “friends” and your “frat”
• I forgive you for your “flings”
• I forgive you for your last thought as we last parted ways being, “you want to give me the money now?”
• I forgive you for letting me lose faith, and stop believing when you said you would come home, or take us out.
• I forgive you for shattering the window behind me and caring more about getting in trouble than the fact that you could have killed me. I forgive you for the bike accident and the scar on my side too..
• I forgive you for all those years you made me believe it was all my fault, when it wasnt.
• I forgive you for tricking me into visiting only to have me fix your computer, or work in your yard.
• I forgive you for packing pounds of white powder into my things to hide them from customs
• I forgive you for sending things that were mine to the Philippines promising to replace them, and never doing so.
• I forgive you for making me work or visit cousins when i wanted to go hang out with my friends..
• I forgive you for the things i have burred so deep it will take me years to uncover them again…

I pray that these anchors which hold me down can be lifted.

I spent the weekend with the “other” side of the family. I flew out of Sacramento airport at 6am on a flight towards Salt Lake City, Utah. After a few hour layover in Denver (yeah, denver…) I landed in Salt Lake sometime in the early afternoon.

Was i excited? Nervous? I dont know. I hadnt seen any of that side of the family in years; The only relative (other than my grandma) that i even spend some time with was my father’s sister, Linda. Thats because shes a disney nut like us :) and she lives on the west coast.

*sigh* after hearing of Mantha’s adventures back home i definitely wasnt looking forward to the weekend. I went for one reason only… it was a celebration of my only living grandmother’s 75th birthday. It was a surprised party :) and I wanted to be there for her.

Mantha and the rest of the bunch landed about half an hour after me, and mantha found me in the terminal (after they had passed me up already). *sigh* the rest of the weekend was pretty uneventful. The surprise party was scheduled for 2. we arrived just before it; but seeing as some people take forever mantha and I were unable to make it down in before my grandmother arrived. We surprised her anyways by sneaking up behind her! haha! Happy birthday grandma!

As for the rest of the evening and Sunday… I really feel i tried to make the best of it; but some things just refuse to change. I think i have changed too much to be able to put up with it! I mean.. i love my family; but i find myself extremely jealous of the families i see around me. Even my relatives; I know they didnt have all the “opportunities” (meaning money) that i had when i was growing up; but they seem so much closer and carefree and just… loving.

I try to make the best of what i get. I cant expect my family to change as i’m changing. I cant expect them to be able to fufill all my needs as I’m growing and maturing and developing. *sigh* I need so much more out of life. Hahaha.. the only thing in my head right now..

“I need adventure in the great wide somewhere……”

I dont want to abandon my family or anything… but i need to find something more. My family has been a “focal” point in my life for so long. I think i want to expand my horizions..

Ah.. Hearing stories of my “family” always make me wonder how my sister and I escaped the idiot disease that seems prevalent on my mother’s side of the family. What strange food did my sister an I magically avoid so that we would not be affected. God! such down right stupidity and selfishness.. part of me is actually physically disgusted to be related to them at all. I wish i knew the cure so i could share it with them.. really.. really.. *sigh*