Unwritten

I already know that i have trust issues with most people. Thinking about the way i am, i sense that everyone that i meet begins with a level “B” in trust (going by the standard US grading scale). So while i do trust people off the bat, they have to work to gain to a level A… sounds simple right? little things throughout the life of the friendship fluctuates the grade level. That’s pretty normal right?

Ah, the people who are A’s have proven themselves over and over again.. and the two that are A++ well, they just belong there almost naturally. I think that most of my good friends stay in the B to B+ area of trust… Its a good level for me. They know all but the most intimate details and random jabberings in my head. People who dropped to the C level could be classified as “friends” while D level is acquaintance and F of course… stands for “you Fucked with me, so Fuck off” :)

Haha.. its funny that i try to simplify the who acts of friendships into neat little categories… It seems so simple; but it never really is, is it? Anyways; i digress. I take it my trust issues have to deal with people who have dropped down. In my mind its so easy to drop in scale, but its very difficult to rise up in scale. My worrying mind can make the simplest of transgressions into full scale war and conspiracy. Yeah.. its not healthy and not always true. I admit that i can be harsh and stubborn and just plain paranoid when it comes to the people i trust. There are reasons for that.

So even knowing that… and knowing the things people have done to gain up to higher levels; It still amazes me how little some of the people in level A really know/knew me. Its funny how they dont seem to realize that the littlest of things build up. how simple acts of “forgetfulness” can all chain together.

Where does this come from? I guess it comes from the feeling that people dont trust ME enough to be able to just be straight with me. It takes a lot of effort for me to ask for help, and i’d rather have someone tell me honestly “No, i cant do that” than to promise me it will be done only to have something fall to the wayside. I dont like feeling like i have to nag or prod someone to do something, and i really hate it when i get so frustrated that i end up having to take care of whatever it was myself, and at the last minute. Ooh! and I hate it even more when whatever I asked help on is ignored after the promise, and I’m the one forced to always make the first contact to see how things are going.

I feel that i do my best to help people out, to keep them informed of progress, and to cry out when things just arent moving at the pace that is asked of me. I hope that people dont feel the same frustration level with me, I hope they dont get to a point where they dont feel they can trust me to complete tasks asked of me.

Bleh, i dont know exactly where this is all coming from. Well I do, but nothing all to recent triggered it. *sigh* its the little things that always seem to count the most. I just wish that, people would do what they say they will do, or at least tell me that they cant do it anymore; stop forcing me to become the nag.. the bad guy.