Unwritten

There are many things that I dont want; and I’ve grown up with the notion of what i dont want, who i dont want to be like, what i dont want my life to be… Unfortunately its something ive based my life on, and its an incomplete picture.

Thats it, isnt it? my life is incomplete. I’ve forced myself into such a 2 dimentional world; where in reality i should be living in a 5 dimentional world. how did it all happen? What was it that knocked my brain into such a tight enclosed space… as cliche as it seems to me to say it. My Family.

You hear on tv and movies how psychologists blame everything on your family, parental abuse.. abandonment issues, etc.. etc. For a while i was in the field of thought that it was all hogwash; that people made their own choices and they needed to be responsible; I didnt want to be like those people… I didnt want to blame people for what i thought were my own free choices.

I still dont; i dont want to point the finger at other people when my life starts to go down the shitter… but i backed myself into a corner. Even when outside influences pushed me in certain directions i refused to accept the fact that things were out of my hands. I refused to seek help.. i didnt listen to the one i should have listened to… everything backfired.

So many things that i didnt want… I didnt want to be like him; to be hung up over some girl for the rest of my life; to be greedy and self centered and selfish. I didnt want to take advantage of those who are bound to me, to use my status as only a means to advance my own position. I didnt want to complain and be disrespectful towards those who were only trying to help me. I didnt want to trick people who put trust in me, just to make a few bucks. I didnt want people to meet me, think i was a nice person; but change their mind as they learned more about me.

I didnt want to be deceitful like her, to place money and status over the general wellbeing of my children. I didnt want to hold the aura of “family” over people’s head when the real idol seemed to be “money”

I didnt want to be like Her, so strong on the outside; but a week frightened child on the inside. I didnt want to hold onto my guilt and blame others for the mistakes I made. i didnt want to blame people and get angry at them for leaving “me” when in fact i was the one leaving them. i didnt want to let pride, or family get in the way.

I didnt want to trust anyone; because life and dissapointment lead me to believe that I could not really trust anyone but myself. But in the end i could not even trust myself. Trust; it seems to be both the chains that bind my soul, as well as the key to setting it free.