In ______ I trust.
I try to think on my life and the people i trust. Some people know some things here, some things there. Different people; different aspects of my life. But do i trust them? do i really truely trust them?
It seems to change; it seems to depend on time.. on defintion… on emotion. I trust many people to certain degrees, i trust some people with my life; some with my secrets, some with my dreams, some with my strange and weird tendencies. Some people it crosses over; others seem to be specalized. And all of them earned my trust in one way or another.
Some betrayed my trust, and paid; Some even regained it and made things stronger. Others, will never gain it again; and others have come in to take their place. So many different people; so many different lives; Like pieces of a puzzle that can never be put completely together. But the question remains…
Do i really truely trust them? with the exception of 2; I would have to say no. There will always be a nagging feeling; a voice in the back of my head telling me what I can and cannot say. A voice that wonders when i’ll be betrayed again; If i’m going to be manipulated… if i’m going to be used or abused. Things that ultimately hold me at bay; only releasing enough to be heard and only what needs to be let go.
Then there are the rare ones.. the rare one. A freedom of speaking that i truely miss. Thinking back i’m amazed at the speed in which i “spilled” my guts so to speak. Between late night drives to San Jose, i spoke of things that i had not even let myself think about in so many years. A feeling i so needed, without even knowing it; and a feeling that i eventually sabotagued out of fear.
And the second, a trust that has been built, tumbled, and rebuilt; and will probably continue down the path of destruction and rebuilding. A relationship that has lasted all but 3 years of my life and will continue to be a corner stone of what i am to become. a trust based on mutual respect, mutual experiences, and a lifetime of happiness and tears.
So thats what i have… i’m blessed twice; probably more than many people could say. I’m sure at another point in my life i might have said there were more; but life has taught me differently these past months. I wonder… If i’m on anyone elses list.