“I dont know…”
I dont know… there are many times i just really dont know. Why do i find that to be such a issue? It makes me so tight.. my chest hurts, my head starts to swim. I’ve always felt like I only had once chance at life.. one attempt at so many things. Second chances were never in my future. It doesnt help that my life, my childhood reinforced these ideas. It was as tho all my actions, my deeds had to be perfect every time.
Thinking back, i wasnt taught to learn from my mistakes; instead it was drilled into me that mistakes were not to be tolerated. I still hear the shrill voice of my aunt, “You dont know.. you dont know.. always with the you dont know” I can hear it repeating in my head. I feel myself tensing up just thinking about it… the subtle cruelty of my childhood, so barely beneight the surface that it is hardly noticible…
It began those many days ago… the lies and the deceit. The days when i stopped trying. Whenever i felt the road to failure looming ahead i would stop. Better to not have tried then to fail miserably, right? A bad road reinforced along the way; self doubt, self hatred… those words, “you should have done this…” or even the most heartbreaking words… ‘I’m sorry will, too little too late…’
those words haunted me, up to the point where i felt the desire to say the same. So much has been in conflict… the desire to be perfect. The fear of failing… the need to have everything right the first and only time.
Impossibilties… a picture perfect life for someone who never really wanted it. I’m hardly perfect, and I really dont want to be. What can you do with perfection but look at it? Can you ever really live a perfect life? Is there really any beauty in perfection? No.
Life’s beauty lies in its subtle imperfections. Its in those imperfections that i find my drive… my love. The little things that made life challenging, that made waking up in the morning Fun and exciting. All the little things that I noticed, the things that i keep to myself which still make my heart skip a beat. And in those imperfections I wish to live, I wish to love, and i wish to just be.
Life.
For someone like me who seems to be a sucker for giving people chances to redeem themselves, I continue to struggle to give myself that same amount of sympathy. I deserve chances to make up for my mistakes.. to learn from the mistakes instead of dread them. I deserve another chance…
And I fight for the day I can think of what tomorrow will bring and say, ‘I dont know” and not hear the shrill voices of my past drowning out my thoughts. I fight for the day I can say, “I dont know” and feel ok about it.