Unwritten

I already know that i have trust issues with most people. Thinking about the way i am, i sense that everyone that i meet begins with a level “B” in trust (going by the standard US grading scale). So while i do trust people off the bat, they have to work to gain to a level A… sounds simple right? little things throughout the life of the friendship fluctuates the grade level. That’s pretty normal right?

Ah, the people who are A’s have proven themselves over and over again.. and the two that are A++ well, they just belong there almost naturally. I think that most of my good friends stay in the B to B+ area of trust… Its a good level for me. They know all but the most intimate details and random jabberings in my head. People who dropped to the C level could be classified as “friends” while D level is acquaintance and F of course… stands for “you Fucked with me, so Fuck off” :)

Haha.. its funny that i try to simplify the who acts of friendships into neat little categories… It seems so simple; but it never really is, is it? Anyways; i digress. I take it my trust issues have to deal with people who have dropped down. In my mind its so easy to drop in scale, but its very difficult to rise up in scale. My worrying mind can make the simplest of transgressions into full scale war and conspiracy. Yeah.. its not healthy and not always true. I admit that i can be harsh and stubborn and just plain paranoid when it comes to the people i trust. There are reasons for that.

So even knowing that… and knowing the things people have done to gain up to higher levels; It still amazes me how little some of the people in level A really know/knew me. Its funny how they dont seem to realize that the littlest of things build up. how simple acts of “forgetfulness” can all chain together.

Where does this come from? I guess it comes from the feeling that people dont trust ME enough to be able to just be straight with me. It takes a lot of effort for me to ask for help, and i’d rather have someone tell me honestly “No, i cant do that” than to promise me it will be done only to have something fall to the wayside. I dont like feeling like i have to nag or prod someone to do something, and i really hate it when i get so frustrated that i end up having to take care of whatever it was myself, and at the last minute. Ooh! and I hate it even more when whatever I asked help on is ignored after the promise, and I’m the one forced to always make the first contact to see how things are going.

I feel that i do my best to help people out, to keep them informed of progress, and to cry out when things just arent moving at the pace that is asked of me. I hope that people dont feel the same frustration level with me, I hope they dont get to a point where they dont feel they can trust me to complete tasks asked of me.

Bleh, i dont know exactly where this is all coming from. Well I do, but nothing all to recent triggered it. *sigh* its the little things that always seem to count the most. I just wish that, people would do what they say they will do, or at least tell me that they cant do it anymore; stop forcing me to become the nag.. the bad guy.

Now that you’re in the ambition-building phase of your yearly cycle, I figure you’re ready for a fresh set of cute aphorisms. Use the following to fuel the fire in your belly, the chutzpah in your heart, and the gleam in your eye.

Haha… I love #5: But ive never had any dreams where i gave a speech in my underwear…

Haha… I had League Bowling yesterday; and our team bowled.. well.. pretty horribly. It was like none of us were really into the game that night; and while we didnt do to bad… most of us were disgusted with the result! Dang. Well feeling pretty shitty, Felicia chilled at the house with me and we cheered ourselves up by watching… Anime Porn :D.

We sat in the living room, chillin with some hot lumpia and feasting our eyes (and laughing our asses off) while watching Dragon Pink and F3. Really, i think it was the first time i watched either DVD since i bought them… I had seen them a long time ago back home; when i was doing the ol’ rent and dub technique of expanding my Anime collection :D. They were so funny.. more comedy and entertainment then “hard core porn”

I think Dragon Pink will always be my favorite Hentai title, it brings me back to my ancient D&D days; It shows what us horny little boys wanted D&D to be like, lots of fighting, lots of random stupid meaningless sexual encounters… none of the dice rolling and levling :)

“its funny cause after all this time..you have remined the same friendly, generous and geniune person since the very first time i met you”

Christina was commenting on our lunch the other day when she told me those words. It struck me a little dumbfounded; It was a nice complement; and it was nice to hear :) but a good part of me found it hard to believe. Especially with the events of the past few months have shown me just how untrue i’ve been to myself? Am i just being to hard on myself? beating myself over the head because of the mistakes i’ve made. I hate making mistakes; It truely makes me sick to my stomach to think of the stupidity that has occured in my life; all the dumb things i’ve done; or failed to do.

Am i truely that way? even tho thoughts play in my head of the evils of my ways; of tall the things i could have/should have done. Am i really that generous… and friendly? or am i the clone of the person i dispise so much and refuse to be like. Do i just successfully put on this show of peace and tranqility and concern towards people; who get caught in my little trap only to be disspointed when they get to know the “real” me.

I hope that i really am what she saw in me over lunch. I hope that all the mistakes i’ve made have taught me how i wish to live my life today. I hope that more people will see it in me; and will continue to see it even after time has shown them more of whats below the surface.

I try to think on my life and the people i trust. Some people know some things here, some things there. Different people; different aspects of my life. But do i trust them? do i really truely trust them?

It seems to change; it seems to depend on time.. on defintion… on emotion. I trust many people to certain degrees, i trust some people with my life; some with my secrets, some with my dreams, some with my strange and weird tendencies. Some people it crosses over; others seem to be specalized. And all of them earned my trust in one way or another.

Some betrayed my trust, and paid; Some even regained it and made things stronger. Others, will never gain it again; and others have come in to take their place. So many different people; so many different lives; Like pieces of a puzzle that can never be put completely together. But the question remains…

Do i really truely trust them? with the exception of 2; I would have to say no. There will always be a nagging feeling; a voice in the back of my head telling me what I can and cannot say. A voice that wonders when i’ll be betrayed again; If i’m going to be manipulated… if i’m going to be used or abused. Things that ultimately hold me at bay; only releasing enough to be heard and only what needs to be let go.

Then there are the rare ones.. the rare one. A freedom of speaking that i truely miss. Thinking back i’m amazed at the speed in which i “spilled” my guts so to speak. Between late night drives to San Jose, i spoke of things that i had not even let myself think about in so many years. A feeling i so needed, without even knowing it; and a feeling that i eventually sabotagued out of fear.

And the second, a trust that has been built, tumbled, and rebuilt; and will probably continue down the path of destruction and rebuilding. A relationship that has lasted all but 3 years of my life and will continue to be a corner stone of what i am to become. a trust based on mutual respect, mutual experiences, and a lifetime of happiness and tears.

So thats what i have… i’m blessed twice; probably more than many people could say. I’m sure at another point in my life i might have said there were more; but life has taught me differently these past months. I wonder… If i’m on anyone elses list.

There are many things that I dont want; and I’ve grown up with the notion of what i dont want, who i dont want to be like, what i dont want my life to be… Unfortunately its something ive based my life on, and its an incomplete picture.

Thats it, isnt it? my life is incomplete. I’ve forced myself into such a 2 dimentional world; where in reality i should be living in a 5 dimentional world. how did it all happen? What was it that knocked my brain into such a tight enclosed space… as cliche as it seems to me to say it. My Family.

You hear on tv and movies how psychologists blame everything on your family, parental abuse.. abandonment issues, etc.. etc. For a while i was in the field of thought that it was all hogwash; that people made their own choices and they needed to be responsible; I didnt want to be like those people… I didnt want to blame people for what i thought were my own free choices.

I still dont; i dont want to point the finger at other people when my life starts to go down the shitter… but i backed myself into a corner. Even when outside influences pushed me in certain directions i refused to accept the fact that things were out of my hands. I refused to seek help.. i didnt listen to the one i should have listened to… everything backfired.

So many things that i didnt want… I didnt want to be like him; to be hung up over some girl for the rest of my life; to be greedy and self centered and selfish. I didnt want to take advantage of those who are bound to me, to use my status as only a means to advance my own position. I didnt want to complain and be disrespectful towards those who were only trying to help me. I didnt want to trick people who put trust in me, just to make a few bucks. I didnt want people to meet me, think i was a nice person; but change their mind as they learned more about me.

I didnt want to be deceitful like her, to place money and status over the general wellbeing of my children. I didnt want to hold the aura of “family” over people’s head when the real idol seemed to be “money”

I didnt want to be like Her, so strong on the outside; but a week frightened child on the inside. I didnt want to hold onto my guilt and blame others for the mistakes I made. i didnt want to blame people and get angry at them for leaving “me” when in fact i was the one leaving them. i didnt want to let pride, or family get in the way.

I didnt want to trust anyone; because life and dissapointment lead me to believe that I could not really trust anyone but myself. But in the end i could not even trust myself. Trust; it seems to be both the chains that bind my soul, as well as the key to setting it free.

I had lunch with Christina Chin down in Cerritos this weekend. I hadnt seen her in years; not since she pledge APO with Mantha. Honestly :) i couldnt remember much about her; but we’ve been chatting over AIM for the past couple of months. Ive gotten to know her again and its been fun! Aha; the final piece was when i called her tho; that connected the correct face in my head.. haha.

Anyways; We had the normal “catchup chat” that everyone that hasnt seen eachother in a while gets into. We talked about school, life, and just random things. It was nice.. and probably the longest conversation we’ve EVER had; even when she was up here and we were both part of APO. Its weird how time changes things :)

What i liked most tho; was how you can sometimes get a fresh look on things; just by talking to someone you havent seen in a while. The one that sticks out is an excerpt where Christina and I were talking about my age… her comment went something like this, “You and sam just dont look old, but its not just your look; you have a child like aura around you” (ok, mayhaps not her EXACT words; but close enough). I was stunned a little. Here i was; the past couple months.. couple years all down because i “felt” old; when in fact im not old :-D haha. I found it very weird that I could feel so old; and here she could look me straight in the eye and say i had a youthful aura… And when i look at it more; its true… I realy dont think i’ll ever “grow” up the way most people think I should.. Haha.

On another note; a second comment came out of this weekend. Driving down with Mantha, somewhere on the outskirts of LA; i started asking her some questions and what she saw in me.. and the things i’ve been doing. She then made a comment that I have heard many times; but for some reason it really hit home this time… “Your world doesnt have very many greys, its all black and white..” It really is a true aspect of what people see in me; And while its not necessarily true; its the only part of me that I allow most people to see. I dont believe that I only see things in Black and White; but the part of me that dabbles in the grey areas, that makes the thousands of compromises i make every day… its not something i’ve been able to share.

Why must i struggle to try to be the bigger person? Sometimes people piss me off so much that i just want to sink down to their level and give them what i feel they deserve. Why? becuase i’m so fucking better at it then they can possibly imagine. Hahahaha. God damn i can be evil, I have all the thoughts, resources, and ability to do it; but that damn conscious always gets in the way :-D haha. I’m actually waiting for someone to push me over the line again… but the line has moved so much as i “mature”

Is that really maturity? knowing that I can be so petty, so devious and evil and just plain rotten; but choosing not to? Being able to see things and people for the childish ways that they are; and learning to see beyond it to a bigger picture? Ah.. i wonder how i can keep my cool nowadays; so much immaturity; so much stupidity around me that it feels like its all some sort of test. Haha :)

Grr.. but sometimes; the feeling; the desire to just get my hands dirty and rumble is very strong. Some people are lucky that i can restrain myself… :) (especially since i’ll be in Irvine tomorrow…)

I think that i’m naturally cryptic. not that i dont tell things clearly, but the things i say can be taken on many Levels. One can find a lot of deeper meaning to the words i say. its like the words themselves are just one Voice in a chior that you have yet to listen to. in itself its a powerful Entity, but there is more for those of You who take a little time to understand. One has to be careful tho, so as not to make mistakes when Understanding the deeper meanings. for me, the decryption process is Relatively easy. most Of the time you will find that every Single word has been carefully picked. when you undersand that, reading In between the lines should show you the answer. Naturally the cryptic message itself may make no sense to you. An inside joke To myself. A puzzle that gives me hints into the state Of my psyche at the time.

why do i do it? when i do it on purpose; its fun. i return to my entries of the past and seek them out; messages to myself to remind me of who i was, give rise to ideas that i might have since burried, or just storage for feelings that i needed to let out; but couldnt do it so plainly. i keep myself interesting that way i suppose. like i told my lil bros from the fraternity; everything is a clue to who i am, down to the type of pen i might have used… things are always more than what they seem with me.

Ive said it once, and i’ll say it again. Modern dance makes little to no sense to me. Is that what artists feel “modern” means? confusing and random? How does that reflect on society in general today?

Its always irked me that things that are called modern in art are usually things that are just, odd. Things that generally are haphazardly put together. We are usually “told” what it is supposed to mean. WTF? I’ve always felt that art shound need no info card, no interpreter… It should take on a meaning of its own and be good enough that the general emotions of the artist are reflected into the viewer. Whats the point when someone has to tell me what it means? why dont we just call the info card the art and leave off the random jumble of garbage and crap.

Modern dance tho, is the worse. Since when did dance go the way of poetry; where “freeform” is the in style. Since when did standing around be considered dance? What happened to the fluid movement, the twirling, the interaction. This modern dance show i saw was just full of pushing, pulling and twitches. The dances were so random that they had to have a prologue/info area for each dance piece. *sigh* To each his own i suppose.