The fourth Letter

Dear M,
Heh, knowing you- you will find this eventually. And knowing how i was, i probably would have never written this, much less post it. But i’m different now, i’ve been different for a long time; and i never felt like you accepted that.
You were my best friend, were being the key word. I dont know when it all changed, but i know it did. Somewhere along the line you broke me down, I stopped looking forward to all the things we could accomplish, i stopped feeling the support… instead all I felt was fear. I felt a fear that seeped into every fiber of my being and affected me in ways i didnt even think of. I was scared every step of the way, even with things that didnt have anything to do with you. But most of all, i was afraid of losing you.
You were the first one i opened up to, the first… well the first many things. Through you i found that I didnt have to be a hermit anymore.. that I could do things; But also through you i was afraid to be myself. No matter how much of “myself” i was being, you never accepted any of it. I misread my own emotions, my own instincts; because i was convinced that you knew me best… even better than I knew myself.
But it was all a lie. A lie i placed on myself in order to live. I knew.. i felt my instincts, but i denied them because you denied them. In the end, i lied to myself for so long that i really didnt know what to believe anymore. I didnt know who i was, what i was doing… all i felt was that i was afraid to lose you. For some reason i felt like you continued to be the foundation that my current life was based on.
And I was right, because once i removed that foundation.. when i was finally able to see past the fear and stand once again on my own two feet; i realized that… I was fine all along. I was right, my instincts were right all along… and it made me angry. I wasted a good time, and hurt someone very precious to me because of your influence. While i know in my heart that you didnt do it intentionally, that in your mind you were doing what you felt was best for… you.. and me (in that order mind you) The result was still the same.
You lied to me… you flat out lied to me; for years.. and the lie was the basis of our whole relationship from that point on. You told me that you didnt want a relationship with me.. you BROKE UP WITH ME… and yet in the back of your mind you “felt we would end up together” what a crock… how can we have a honest friendship if you kept that from me? How can you say we were so open when you kept that key piece of information from me… and not only that; you denied it all along.
Well thats too bad now, its too late for me. It took me many years to finally get over that fact.. it took me just as long to come to terms and to find someone else who could warm my heart… and you ruined that too.
And now i’m free of the fear. The fear of losing you is gone, since i feel we lost each other years ago. The friendship of the last few years was all a lie, and looking back I wonder how i could miss such obvious signs. I’m done with it, done with all the hyper criticism, done with the be-ratting, the manipulation. I’m done with the lies, the fear, the worry. I’m done with listening to you and not being listened to in return.. i’m done with you not taking the things i tell you seriously. I’m done with you generalizing and simplifying the complicated aspects of my life.. and most of all; i’m done being your “backup”
Dont you dare take this as an “I Hate you” (even tho i’m pretty sure you formed your own warped idea and are working on how to blame this all on me…) I could never just turn a switch and hate you. I care about you.. i wish you happiness and the best that life can offer you. the only change now is… that happiness will not come from me. The Deep trust I had in you is gone, and i will never open myself up that much to you again. And for all your faults, for some reason i still feel you did them with the “best of intentions” Unfortunately you were wrong.
I know i’ll be seeing you around, life has destined that to be true. Our lives are too interconnected now for it to be otherwise. So i’ll continue to wish you the best, give small advice when you ask, and generally be myself in regards to you. I will live my life out as i see fit.. as you have no power over me anymore.
-W