Unwritten

Passion,
Winding like a flame; coursed through my body.
Igniting my senses, singing all that i had held to be truth.

Passion,
Shattered my glass cage. brought down the house and left me
Naked in the darkness of my own heart.

Passion,
Brought us together, fused tightly; hearts beating the same simple tune.
hands, bodies, souls unified.

Passion,
Created a new truth, filled my eyes with jealousy, anger..
Fear.

Fear,
Tried to extinguish the flames, and succeeded; for the time being.

Shame,
rebuilt the glass cage around me.

But passion refuses to quit.

Edmond: I don’t believe in God.
Abbe Faria: That doesn’t matter. He believes in you.

Ah, the quote from Count de Monte Cristo; I cant remember if its an exact quote from the book (i just watched the movie so that is fresh in my mind.) But either way its something i feel strongly about. It doesnt matter what supernatural entity is out there over us, or what kind of creature.. being, life force ultimately created us. The point really (IMHO) it not what you believe in, but that you BELIEVE.

The power of faith and belief and trust is overwhelming. These three factors contribute to the most powerful force in the universe; Love. True love takes these three key elements, binds them together, and generates such energy and strength that can overcome anything that is set before us.

Faith, belief, trust… Three things i struggle with many times. Sometimes I find I have these qualities; and other times i find a serious lack. No wonder i have such difficulty sensing the love i have in my life.

So she did it, my former best friend/ex got engaged.. officially. Finally.
Woo.. whatever. A year ago i probably would have been ecstatic.. overjoyed even. But shes put it off for so long that i just dont really care anymore. I could care less what she does. I’m actually feeling sorry and angry for her fiance, especially considering how she treated me.. and what she said to me not 5 months go. She told me “i always thought you and i would end up together” and “i broke up with XXX 3 months ago.. in my head..” such a fake.. such a liar she is.

Its not like they weren’t engaged before.. he asked her before; but she found some excuse to criticize him, and the way he tried. I heard countless times about how he tried.. and how upset she was. I cant believe i was on her side then. Such a self centered scared little girl she is.

I’m actually angry tho. Angry that her supposed “best friend” i was the last to know about it. Haha.. not that shes my best friend anymore; but she claims to hold me in such high regards.. BULL SHIT. its all bull shit. I’m so angry… i dont know if its because i thought i would be “first” like it was a contest to see who gets engaged.. or that i’m still upset because of all she did to break me and my Ex. Had she gotten engaged before.. when he proposed the first time. All that would have never happened. I would have had my own mind and my own will with my Ex. not to say that we would still be together, but at least i would have made MY OWN mistakes.. and lived MY own life. I hate how manipulated i was.. how gullible i was.

so now shes engaged.. and i could care less. I was already thinking up excuses as to how not to participate.. how not to be more than an attendee at the wedding. Maybe i’m still full of myself, thinking she even wants me to do anything. I dont know. Really, right now i wish i could focus on my self.. starting my own family; and leaving all the drama of my past somewhere behind me.

Already this journal is more open than my “normal” blog. I think the lack of people who read it, or even know of its existence is a key point in there. nobody i see face to face on a daily basis has found it, so i’m remain unafraid.

Im so fuckin moody today. Tired and exhausted both physically and emotionally. I trace my moodiness to crossroads in my life. This crossroad: I feel some of my dreams slipping away and i’ve come to another point where i must decide to let it go, or consciously fix my grip and hold on for dear life.

I’m gonna hold on; and the decision is exhausting as well as taxing on my reserve energy. I choose my dreams, i refuse to let this one slip away so easily.

But now, thats not the only fantasy in my life. how i feel about her is already set, its a known fact of my life today. What remains unknown is what will become of that dream. Along side that is you..

I like you, do you even know it? I dont know exactly why; but its an exciting and draining feeling to be ‘crushin’ I really have no good solid reasons why, but what does it matter; I was captivated the moment i first looked into your eyes. So full of life and hidden mystery… I long to get lost in the deep sea of your eyes.

Ha, will i ever say anything? not anytime soon. Life situations have fated that nothing could really happen in the near future. Do i want to speak up? Acutally yes; but maybe i’m just afraid.. or unprepared for the repercussions of those words. I’m not ready to hurt, or be hurt… at least not in this situation.

So i’ll continue to dream a little, and keep everything as it is right now. A little ray of sunshine on a sometimes dreary day. Things are good as they are :)

Your True Nature by llScorpiusll
Username
The quality that most appeals to you:	High Social Status / Wealth
In a survival situation, you:	Run like hell
Your hidden talent is:	Resourcefulness
Your gift is:	Genius
In groups, you:	Work for a common goal
Your best quality is:	Your kindness
Your weakness is:	Your passivity
Created with quill18’s MemeGen 3.0!

Hmm.. i think this was pretty accurate. Except for the quality that appeals to me. While i cant say that money and social status isnt cool! weather or not i have it, or someone else has it; doesnt matter to me. I tend to side with the underdawg anyways.

“The greatest trick the devil pulled was convincing the world he did not exist…”
“The greatest trick I ever pulled, was convincing myself that I was worthless…”

That statement basically can sum up my life up to this point. I continued to look towards the future, yet would not see the worth of myself in the present. I had hopes and dreams, but no real plan or goal on how to get there, or even the belief that i deserved all that i wished before me.

Why? why is the eternal question; and the summary deals with worth. Growing up i felt very worthless, like a lump of meaningless clay. I was an object, something my mom pushed in front of her friends to make HER feel better, something that was promoted when i did good, or forgotten when i was displeasing. “typical” asian family right? Bleh, it doesnt matter how many people have gone through the same type of things i have.. they will never be the same.

there was a point I gave up, i found that if i succeeded I would only be pressured more, If i failed i was punished. If i just kept on the level.. i was fine. For a while i still kept my hobbies.. things i kept secret; but the need to maintain the middle ground soon overtook everything. I existed.. i was alive.. i did what was needed; no more no less.

But thats the past.. right? 25 years of programing takes quite a bit of time to destroy. While i can say i’m better, i still struggle to find my worth.. my voice in the world. I push myself to the brink of destruction, push myself to failure.. and still struggle every day to wake up. And with that, we return to a key motive i my mind.

“to the world, i am a good guy; but to my own mind i’m the devil incarnate…The greatest trick i’ve ever pulled, was convincing the world.. and myself, that I didnt exist.”

I research my life and find all the destruction i have wrought on society. The pain i have inflicted, the suffering i’m pushed on people. I’ve destroyed realities, i’ve destroyed families, i’ve destroyed love. I am the devil’s advocate.. the ultimate pessimist… The one who sees destruction in all things; and yet nobody seems to see it.

I return to these thoughts only because i know they must be broken. They must be spoken to reveal the truths and the deceptions. Wherein lies the truth about myself? what shall be the new foundation of my consciousness, where shall i find my soul.. In the darkness or the light?

I know there are trees in front of me, yet i cant seem to focus.

After reading some other letters… i realized there is one more person i wish to set free…

Adam,
How do i start? How did it end.. as suddenly as it started, yet years in the making. We were great friends, as close to a best friend that I had at the time. You were a confidant.. a companion.
We played together, across the various mucks our characters managed to be friends. By some accounts through our characters, you were my first “relationship” I still believe that i learned a lot of the mental strains and needs required of a relationship. I learned a lot, how to laugh; the importance of family.. communication… love.
Many nights i chatted with you, working out our family… talking in Real lives and in Virtual lives. I could go on and on about what it was like… how happy i was those few moments where we escaped into a weird world of our mind and text. I was free from the troubles of my school, my parents, my worries.
I remember when i first found out. Sickle Cell disease. I researched for a long time, learning about it.. what it did. .how.. why. Thats when i first found out you were.. well african american. not that your race mattered, but RL was slowly sinking into my virtual life.
For a long time it didnt really matter… I remember days where you were not online. Why didnt i realize what was really happening?
Even now i distract myself while writing this… I dont really want to think about it. I remember when.. When i found out you had died. It was the one and only time sebastian and I spoke on the phone. I remember wandering around the block, over and over and over again. Did you see me? My worst nightmares confirmed… it had been over a week since you died. Nobody knew, God knows how sebastian found out. I didnt even cry.. or did i? I cant really remember. I know that i havent Mucked very much since then… My heart just wasnt in it anymore. My characters slowly faded into nothingness; I wonder if anyone realized i was gone? just as nobody seem to realize you were gone. There we were.. two anonymous beings logged into a virtual world; our silent departures, noticed by nobody.
how long ago was that? Years now… the exact date i cant remember. Had i known, I wish to believe that i would have flown out to attend your funeral; If just for the chance to see your face and share with your family the heartache i felt inside. You taught me much, and your death made me fear my own fate. the dangers of no connections, no trace… no memory of my existence. You shared my worries and my pains, you gave me advice on relationships and life… We shared intimate moments and had a blast doing it.
Here I am now, Wondering if you felt the same as me, wondering if you watch over me from time to time. Sebastian has a girlfriend now, did you know that? He contacted me out to tell me.. to share his new joy with his “mama” haha. the three of us were quite a trio… connections nobody will ever understand.
I miss you. And in my own way… through the sexless, ageless, faceless internet. I loved you as well.
Rest in Peace.
-Skuld

Dear H,
Your and my friendship and “relationship” lasted all of what… a month? maybe 2 at most. It was fun times.. Fun brief times.
I was way over my head; It was a time when i thought i was a superman… this end all to everyone’s problem. I thought i could solve anything, i thought i could get through to you; when everyone else didnt seem to understand. I thought… i thought so many things. You are cute, you were fun, and we spent many nights just chatting. Really, in hindsight i didnt know so much about you… Barely anything at all.
Then that night.. the night you scared both F and I.. we drove around all night trying to find you, and when we did; you kept driving away. A cry for help? a cry for attention? Really.. i dont know; but i was so overcome with worry… with caring.. with the desire to help that i was ready to try anything.
You stayed over, we kissed… then everything seemed to jump into fast forward. Its not like i wasnt attracted to you; but it all went so fast… and.. within 6 days it was over again. I gave you hope where there was none.. i thought that i could do it all… bit your words cut through me like a knife, “I can learn to love you”
The order was all wrong, the love should have come first… I knew i was just something there, someone you could latch onto in the stormy seas of your life. I couldnt let the lie go on, and i had to end it. you cried, I cried.. and we pretended to keep the friendship; but in the end we stopped talking, we went our own separate ways.
I wonder about what your up to once in a while, and when i saw you at graduation, looking happier, or at least more at peace; i knew i made the right decision back then. I hope life continues to treat you well.
Good luck, and maybe one day we will meet again.
-W

Dear M,
Heh, knowing you- you will find this eventually. And knowing how i was, i probably would have never written this, much less post it. But i’m different now, i’ve been different for a long time; and i never felt like you accepted that.
You were my best friend, were being the key word. I dont know when it all changed, but i know it did. Somewhere along the line you broke me down, I stopped looking forward to all the things we could accomplish, i stopped feeling the support… instead all I felt was fear. I felt a fear that seeped into every fiber of my being and affected me in ways i didnt even think of. I was scared every step of the way, even with things that didnt have anything to do with you. But most of all, i was afraid of losing you.
You were the first one i opened up to, the first… well the first many things. Through you i found that I didnt have to be a hermit anymore.. that I could do things; But also through you i was afraid to be myself. No matter how much of “myself” i was being, you never accepted any of it. I misread my own emotions, my own instincts; because i was convinced that you knew me best… even better than I knew myself.
But it was all a lie. A lie i placed on myself in order to live. I knew.. i felt my instincts, but i denied them because you denied them. In the end, i lied to myself for so long that i really didnt know what to believe anymore. I didnt know who i was, what i was doing… all i felt was that i was afraid to lose you. For some reason i felt like you continued to be the foundation that my current life was based on.
And I was right, because once i removed that foundation.. when i was finally able to see past the fear and stand once again on my own two feet; i realized that… I was fine all along. I was right, my instincts were right all along… and it made me angry. I wasted a good time, and hurt someone very precious to me because of your influence. While i know in my heart that you didnt do it intentionally, that in your mind you were doing what you felt was best for… you.. and me (in that order mind you) The result was still the same.
You lied to me… you flat out lied to me; for years.. and the lie was the basis of our whole relationship from that point on. You told me that you didnt want a relationship with me.. you BROKE UP WITH ME… and yet in the back of your mind you “felt we would end up together” what a crock… how can we have a honest friendship if you kept that from me? How can you say we were so open when you kept that key piece of information from me… and not only that; you denied it all along.
Well thats too bad now, its too late for me. It took me many years to finally get over that fact.. it took me just as long to come to terms and to find someone else who could warm my heart… and you ruined that too.
And now i’m free of the fear. The fear of losing you is gone, since i feel we lost each other years ago. The friendship of the last few years was all a lie, and looking back I wonder how i could miss such obvious signs. I’m done with it, done with all the hyper criticism, done with the be-ratting, the manipulation. I’m done with the lies, the fear, the worry. I’m done with listening to you and not being listened to in return.. i’m done with you not taking the things i tell you seriously. I’m done with you generalizing and simplifying the complicated aspects of my life.. and most of all; i’m done being your “backup”
Dont you dare take this as an “I Hate you” (even tho i’m pretty sure you formed your own warped idea and are working on how to blame this all on me…) I could never just turn a switch and hate you. I care about you.. i wish you happiness and the best that life can offer you. the only change now is… that happiness will not come from me. The Deep trust I had in you is gone, and i will never open myself up that much to you again. And for all your faults, for some reason i still feel you did them with the “best of intentions” Unfortunately you were wrong.
I know i’ll be seeing you around, life has destined that to be true. Our lives are too interconnected now for it to be otherwise. So i’ll continue to wish you the best, give small advice when you ask, and generally be myself in regards to you. I will live my life out as i see fit.. as you have no power over me anymore.
-W

Nall,
Are you dead? It happened so many years ago; to a different me… I still dont know the result. You threatened, you hemmed and hawed and yelled and threatened to kill yourself… then you vanished from my life. I never knew for sure; I can feel that you didnt do it… that your bluff was called and you could no longer face the reality of it all. However, that feeling… the small percent chance that you could have really done it; remains.
How long ago was it? what even lead up to it? I was your friend, but at the same time I wasnt. I was pretty two faced back then; at least online. So many different personalities. I did care about you at one time… before all that shit happened to you. Before i stopped believing your stories; the tragedies of your life. I’m still not sure if that story of your former GF ditching you somewhere in europe is true or not. I’m still not sure that you really lived in Florida, or worked at Kinkos.
All i’m sure is that.. somewhere along the lines you became very…. insane. And i found myself distancing myself away from you more and more. Memory fails me as to what lead to the final stand… I remember you blaming me for your computer problems, for your failed relationships with others, for your psychotic attitude and the fact that nobody seemed to want to hang out or talk with you anymore.
Then i remember you saying you were going to kill yourself. I remember you telling me that if I wasnt going to care, that it wasnt worth living. I remember feeling guilty, feeling sad… but i remember that i didnt want to cave. It was hard to decide, hard to belive if you were going to do it or not…. In the end i held my ground. I chatted with the Wizzes.. with my friends.. and they gave me strength. In the end you logged out of the MUCK, and out of my life.
I vaguely remember something about Sensei telling me you were still around certain places… but it seems so foggy that it could have easily been a dream of sorts. On occasion i think about what happened to you… where did you go? I wonder if what I did was right. If in the end i helped you move on or if i held you back. I wonder about many many things.
That day slowly fades into my memory. The person i was then has long since gone. I hope that you are still alive somewhere, living a better life.

Skuldi