I don’t know how to love you

Sometimes I don’t know how to love you. Seems like the more I give, the more you step away. Do you not see how wonderfully sexy and beautiful you are? How intelligent and funny you are?
Am I not saying the right words? Saying too much?

Christmas eve will find you

Christmas “eve” is upon me. Well they day before christmas at least. I ponder the path of my life. Here I am, writing a post on a blog that once had many readers, but is now basically for me alone. I write it in bed, on my phone. I used it sit up for hours in front of my desk, spilling out the guts of my tragic life.

Full circle I suppose. The deamons of my life still haunt me, and the fears still have their grip on my soul. What has changed? My dark passenger still doubles as my navigator, leading me down alleyways and secluded highways. The only difference is the car driving next to me, splitting off occasionally but somehow we always end up back together on the dark roads… Alone.

Just the two of us… Or is it four of us, venturing into the depths of our fears.

Lost in Translation

Lost in thought again, I consider what my life is like in comparison to what i thought it would be like. Some challenges met, some left by the wayside. Thoughts focusing on the future… Just keep swimming right?

Who would have known that it would be like this? So close to achieving that… high? So close to saying that I made it.. that I accomplished it.. that Here is exactly where I wanted to be. But God has other plans in mind for me. With each success brings more challenges, with each change in life brings in more heartache and despair.

Maybe its me, maybe its not me? Maybe its just the fear in the world of what is to come that keeps causing my grief. Why is it that i can be so cynical and still have such a high opinion of the future? Is it my faith in my God that keeps me going? I feel something that I hear myself telling others; “It will be ok, just believe…” Its so hard to believe sometimes when the world seems to be closing in around you. Its hard to be free when I feel trapped with few choices left to me. I am quite skilled at finding out of the box solutions, but how much more out of the box can i be before the box itself becomes meaningless.

Is it selfish to have something that was truely meant for me alone? Why does it seem that I have to share everything… community property i guess…

Perhaps its the path I was meant to take.

What now

How much more can I bend before I break? Am I really the only one compromising here or do I just have my head up my ass?

Where is this middle ground I keep trying to reach… Not too much in either direction.

On a dime?

Life can change overnight I suppose. Things seem better, but is this another illusion? I can’t help but be skeptical about life. I do seem to rise high . . . But that makes the fall that much worse.

Writing

I forgot how peaceful it is to write here. I let My hectic life overwhelm me. I hope that I make time for this in my life

I woke up today

I woke up today to a new world. It’s as If i had been asleep, floating in a peaceful dream. This new world is almost the same, but there is something off… Something not quite right. So many subtle changes that it’s hard to see; but my heart feels empty, and my soul a distant memory.

Or perhaps this is the dream, a waiting state beckoning me back to reality. Do I endure this deception? How will i even know?

Maybe it’s just the cycle of my life, to be cast aside just as things seem to settle in. Maybe the settling is really reality ripping apart, the monsters within breaking free.

Who will watch the watcher? Here I sit, alone once again in the crowd. Watching, helping, then being set aside. Maybe I have yet to complete the suffering that is due me and my wretched life. Some past sins I have long forgotten but not forgotten by those above.

I pray for peace.
I pray for happiness.
I pray for safety.
I pray for and end to my fears and suffering.
I pray.

Another year

10 years.
Still in my thoughts.

Breaking Free

“You know the world can see us In a way that’s different than who we are”

It seems whenever i come here its always “bad” news. My last great bastion of hope in the drearily dark lands. Just like many of my inner adventures, this island of mine is not always what it seems. My own personal Dharma Initiative island i suppose. (Hmm, a Lost Reference… only a few years behind.)

I dont know what i really need to break free from, all i know is that i am trapped. I feel the walls closing in on me with each breath i take and there is no light in the darkness. What do i have to complain about? I’m Engaged, i have a great paying job, i have a roof over my head, food on my tummy and games to keep me entertained. I have a vast array of friends and many events to look forward to.

But its all surface. On the surface everything is fine, but once you chink away on the outer shell, there is just emptiness behind. I lack the passion and the motivation i used to have. What i have is reflected weakly back to me. Like an engine without a purpose, moving over and over but not going anywhere.

I’m quickly running out of steam…

Getting lost

Gaston: Lefou, Im afraid Ive been thinking…
Lefou: A dangerous pastime?
Gaston: I know.

Days off for me can be very productive; and dangerous at the same time. When i just sit there and veg out; i just exist- i’m relaxed and just there. No thinking nothing.
Then there are the times where i’m hyper productive; throwing myself into cleaning, organizing, doing something.
Then there is today; thrown into thought- trying to keep moving, productive..

One would think that times of reflection would center around some event; a Birthday, a holiday, a tragic happenstance. What about me? what kind of thing brings out the deep hidden emotions and thoughts that i’m trying to keep burried. The simple answer is Disney.
I grew up Disney, Disney was present at all my major life events. We celebrated birthdays, Anniversaries, Grades, with Disney. We drowned our sorrows in Disney. Disney kept me company those hot summer days when i was stuck at home. Disney kept me occupied when i laid in bed sick.

Today is no exception; While spending my time checking things off my list, i popped in a Disney movie to fill the silence. Before i knew it, the emotions started to flood out. I remember all the hope and dreams that Disney instilled into me. All the big ideas i had for my life; What has happened to me? Disney wraps up so many emotions into simple little packages- but how real can they become? At one point i used to think anything was possible- but right now i’m such a cynical.. and even a bitter old man.
Writing used to be the only repose i had, bringing these emotions and thoughts to life that i could not express any other way. Letting the words spill from the tips of my fingers onto the brightly lit screen.
What is my problem really? I dont know; life continues to feel so unsatisfying, unfufilled. I keep looking and reaching for something in the mist that i still cant seem to make out. Seriously, if i know what would make me happy i would go for it. I even should have nothing to complain about; I dont really have any real big problems. I have lots to live and love for. I have great friends, a good job and a place to live.
Well, enough of my word vomit; i should get back to work.