Breaking Free

“You know the world can see us In a way that’s different than who we are”

It seems whenever i come here its always “bad” news. My last great bastion of hope in the drearily dark lands. Just like many of my inner adventures, this island of mine is not always what it seems. My own personal Dharma Initiative island i suppose. (Hmm, a Lost Reference… only a few years behind.)

I dont know what i really need to break free from, all i know is that i am trapped. I feel the walls closing in on me with each breath i take and there is no light in the darkness. What do i have to complain about? I’m Engaged, i have a great paying job, i have a roof over my head, food on my tummy and games to keep me entertained. I have a vast array of friends and many events to look forward to.

But its all surface. On the surface everything is fine, but once you chink away on the outer shell, there is just emptiness behind. I lack the passion and the motivation i used to have. What i have is reflected weakly back to me. Like an engine without a purpose, moving over and over but not going anywhere.

I’m quickly running out of steam…

Getting lost

Gaston: Lefou, Im afraid Ive been thinking…
Lefou: A dangerous pastime?
Gaston: I know.

Days off for me can be very productive; and dangerous at the same time. When i just sit there and veg out; i just exist- i’m relaxed and just there. No thinking nothing.
Then there are the times where i’m hyper productive; throwing myself into cleaning, organizing, doing something.
Then there is today; thrown into thought- trying to keep moving, productive..

One would think that times of reflection would center around some event; a Birthday, a holiday, a tragic happenstance. What about me? what kind of thing brings out the deep hidden emotions and thoughts that i’m trying to keep burried. The simple answer is Disney.
I grew up Disney, Disney was present at all my major life events. We celebrated birthdays, Anniversaries, Grades, with Disney. We drowned our sorrows in Disney. Disney kept me company those hot summer days when i was stuck at home. Disney kept me occupied when i laid in bed sick.

Today is no exception; While spending my time checking things off my list, i popped in a Disney movie to fill the silence. Before i knew it, the emotions started to flood out. I remember all the hope and dreams that Disney instilled into me. All the big ideas i had for my life; What has happened to me? Disney wraps up so many emotions into simple little packages- but how real can they become? At one point i used to think anything was possible- but right now i’m such a cynical.. and even a bitter old man.
Writing used to be the only repose i had, bringing these emotions and thoughts to life that i could not express any other way. Letting the words spill from the tips of my fingers onto the brightly lit screen.
What is my problem really? I dont know; life continues to feel so unsatisfying, unfufilled. I keep looking and reaching for something in the mist that i still cant seem to make out. Seriously, if i know what would make me happy i would go for it. I even should have nothing to complain about; I dont really have any real big problems. I have lots to live and love for. I have great friends, a good job and a place to live.
Well, enough of my word vomit; i should get back to work.

Open Wounds

I think its strange how much of a pack rat i am.. i toss out some things and keep others. I am also such a paranoid freak when it comes to my computer data- so things that i thought were long gone seem to rear up again when i least expect it to.

Today i was lost in thought; trying to recover a batch of photos from a recovered data packet; i had lost a hard drive a while back and this was all i could get back out of it; 120k worth of “photos” which ranged from real images to random PNG’s that were part of programs. Its a mess and it will take me quite some time to go through it all.

After some time, i switched it up and tried to recover some of the info from my old CD/DVD burns of my computers; i figure there’s got to be quite a few of them still sitting around. After copying disc after disc of data, i started going through it.

I found some word docs, Old ones- ancient really;

I cried.

They were written by someone i cared about, someone i still care about; I hurt her really badly and that black point in my life still seems to haunt me. Even as i look upon some of the happiest days of my life, and the bright sunshiny future ahead of me, i know it was built upon some pitch black nights. Some days i think i put all that past me . . . some days i’m not so sure.

How sorry do i need to be, and how much do i need to do before i feel i can forgive myself?

WTF?

Woah, i seriously almost forgot this even existed…. Well not really but its not been that important. I forget how theraputic that writing in my online journal used to be; perhaps it can be again?

So far i have been working on a lot of parts of my life. Wedding planning, Career Planning, life planning. When did i become an Adult? WTF?

I think i will start this blog over (again) a whole new chapter of my life has already begun, time to catch everyone up.

Where have i Been?

I really havent written in here in a long time; and i think its taking its toll on my psyche. I used to write so much; it was so easy to get my thoughts out onto the ol black and white text. Now i feel kinda bottled up; confused and sometimes disoriented. Why cant i write anymore? am i afraid of those who know me? do i not feel as free as i used to?

Yes.

Stealing nun

So, I am sitting in boudins. Eatting lunch: when I notice a nun… No big deal till I see her drinking lemonaide from one of the water only cups. Geez: a nun stealing lemonaide. That’s just disgraceful. Makes me see more and more why I left “the faith”
-Will W.

Time Passing

I find myself with an unusual amount of free time today. The stress and worry of school and graduating was quickly replaced with the stress and worry of bills and work (and Fanime).

Lately, however time seems to be more readily available; and i sit here in the dark living room, stretched out on the sofa- typing and chatting. This is a pasttime that used to be more the norm maybe 10 years ago. I used to spend more time in front of the computer; chatting, typing, playing games- than i did interacting with people. Now it seems that the computer and I have run into an impass; and i hardly sit down in front of it at all.

Perhaps its just the state of my life now? Things are both good and bad.. and life just is. I find that i grow tired tho. Tired of all the drama, the heartache, and the dissapointment. Its so easy to be discarded in the 1s and 0s of the internet.

I’ve come to the point that i think that is my delima. I have made so many friends online; They used to be my lifeline, my escape. Its just not enough anymore. I ahve grown accustomed to the personal interactions, i grew attached to everyones lives and their problems. However, without the face to face interaction i was once again discarded.

Lately i was wondering why i keep trying? I find myself in shadow- doing what i feel can help those that seem to need it. “heroes” complex? Maybe. I used to feel that i dont ask for anything in return; but lately i find that is incorrect. What i do want is so little tho;

Appreciation. . . is that too much to ask for? Why do i feel discarded once the “problem” i helped with is over?

*sigh* perhaps i’m overdramatic. Perhaps its just all for the best? It just sucks sometimes.

Depression

I think I am depressed.
I am at a point in my life where thing are just swimming along, and yet I have difficulty finding happiness.
I am currently in Cupertino for job training. It should be exciting. I should be psyched. I am mostly apathetic.
I met over 40 people. They are all hanging out. I am in applebes. Alone.
-Will W.

New product

Look at what we saw in costco today.

Pancake and waffle batter in an air compressed can.

Landed in lax

So I just took a flight that literally just landed at lax. And it had one of those information screens showing our location on a map. This included speed and altitude.
Should I be concerned that when we touched down, the screen said we were at 100 feet?